Cat Steps draft (25/6/11)

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Watching my mother and sister pack was akin to pulling teeth. Until the wedding was complete, Mother would live at the palace to help Ranya get used to her new life. Had it just been my sister leaving, I could have rationalized that she was the only one in the family going to the palace.

The training yards became my home outside of political lessons and any time I could take with my sister, when she wasn’t organizing twenty different things and in etiquette lessons for proper palace behaviour. Since those took up most of her time, I was rarely seen outside the courts.

One of my older half brothers, Jalil, found me there. Chidam and Aryan were away in the mountains, leaving me with just punching dummies to spar against.

“I see we’ll have to increase the budget for sparring equipment for awhile after Ranya leaves,” he said from the fence a couple meters away.

I glared at him. “Shut up.”

He smiled. “Touchy today. As per usual.”

I inhaled and brought my fist up to my chest, ready to punch the dummy with the force of my emotions on top of my own strength. “Want to replace the post, too?”

He flinched and held up his hands with an apologetic smile. “Alright, alright, I’ll stop.” Once I’d dropped my hand he leaned against the fence again. “I just don’t get why you’re getting so worked up over this. I’d rather stay here than go to the palace any day.”

I kicked the dummy. “Hence you jumping at the chance to help me out as regent, when everybody else is trying be part of the group going to the palace.”

Jalil just grinned. “What better way to learn about how the province is run?”

“You truly are a fox,” I said, looking at him out of the corner of my eye. He was being trained to replace my full brother as the family representative in the Imperial Court. At nineteen, he was already helping our father run the province. One of the reasons my parents trusted him not to cause upheaval was he lacked the ambition to try and lead a coup. Not like he could anyway, with me staying behind.

He laughed. “Had to be. To convince Father I didn’t need to be introduced to Court at the wedding.”

I rolled my eyes and went over to the fence. “For how adamant he was for me staying here, he was just as adamant you go.”

“Thanks for putting a good word in for me,” he said, punching my shoulder.

I smiled and took a drink from my waterskin, resting on the fencepost by his elbow. “I’d hoped it could work for a trade. I go to the palace in your place. Since they trust you so much.”

It took him a minute to realize I was kidding. He playfully growled and ruffled my hair. “You have too much faith in me.”

There was no reply but to laugh and take another drink of water. I replaced the skin on the fence post, lingering by the fence because of Jalil’s intent to speak.

He glanced at me. “You’ll only get stronger from this.”

I froze before managing to growl, “I know.”

His eyes widened, hands going up again. “I didn’t— I thought—you don’t really think they—”

“Planned this to make me tougher?” I said quietly. I ran my tongue over my teeth. “I doubt it. Last time they decided separation would do me some good, they at least had the decency to tell me.”

I turned to go back to the ring, only stopping as Jalil’s intent to speak overwhelmed his awkwardness and the mix of bad feelings quickly taking him over. “I didn’t mean… to remind you of them.”

I rubbed my fingers together. “It was for the best.” You grew so much more without them. “And this will be for the best, too.” Just keep reminding yourself that.

He stayed and watched as I went back to the punching dummy. The straw was getting crushed and kept falling to the bottom of each extremity. With each hit, I could feel wood beneath the straw. The feeling just kept increasing, until it was like punching a tree covered in rough burlap. My teacher would’ve been proud, me working through the pain for so long.

Jalil tossed me a towel when I’d finished. I caught it and wiped off my forehead, glancing at him as I wiped the sweat off my neck. “Being sorry doesn’t look good on you.”

He smiled crookedly. “In other words, ‘drop it’?”

I chuckled weakly, going to dust the straw and burlap fibers caught in calluses and small scrapes on my knuckles. “Preferably.”

He smiled and ruffled my hair again, much more affectionately this time. “I’ll go see if Ranya’ll be ready by the time you get cleaned up.”

“With maybe three days left before she leaves? With minimal time to practice certain skills as they travel?” I asked. “Good luck!”

He laughed. “I’ll just tell your mother that she needs a break to absorb everything, and who better than us to let her relax in polite company?”

I chuckled before beginning to count off people on my fingers. “There’s Father, our uncle and his family, any of Father’s wives, nearly every other relative besides—”

“I get it! I get it!” He had his arms back in the air again. But that wicked grin told me what he thought of my analysis. He glanced around. “You can still mask actual events going on, right?”

I nodded. Trying to swallow a grin should any of the guards on the wall turn around, or any of the servants roaming decided to walk by.

He had a similar not-quite-swallowed grin. “So I can say anything I want.”

I draped the towel over the fence and caught up to him as he walked down the hall. “You think they don’t know we don’t always follow the rules?” I could name five instances we’d been nearly caught somewhere—or doing something— we shouldn’t have been off the top of my head. A favourite of mine was when we found the advanced magic books. That lock had been… interesting to pick.

He just grinned. “Leave that, to me.”

I shook my head and began trotting down the hall to my room. “Good luck!” I called over my shoulder. I looked ahead again. “You’re going to need it!”

He heard my last comment. I could sense him chagrinned at my stab at his ego. I was glad I was too far to continue an argument. At this rate, we would go all night.

I continued chuckling as I trotted to my room.
Last edited by Rosendorn on Sun Sep 11, 2011 11:48 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.




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FIRST! HA! xP *saves for when she's done reading*

Okay, you already know pretty much how I feel about characterization and stuff. So I'm pretty much just going to point out my nitpick/grammar issues/typos. Yes that is singular "nitpick" intentionally. x3

At nineteen, he was already he was helping our father run the province.


Just keep reminding yourself of that.


He laughed. “I’ll just tells your mother that she needs a break to absorb everything,


That lock had been… interesting to pick.

Just want to say, I love this. xD Kerani's voice is always so awesome to read about mischief in... xP

Nitpick!

While I love how the first line of the story catches our interest, something feels lacking in the rest of the beginning (like the first two paragraphs). When I have more time I'll edit this to explain better, or you can just ask me. Butyeah. Beginning is almost there, but not quite.
When Heroes fall and the Sacred Blade is captured, can Evil be stopped?~The Wings of Darkness

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"Funny is a formula for which there are a million variables, and it is impossible to backtrack unless, possibly, you make a living out of it."~Rosey Unicorn




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Hey Rosey! 'Tas been awhile since I last read Cat Steps and figured there was no time like the present to stop by.

I loved the dialogue in this. It lost me slightly, and maybe had a touch too much modern flavor for my tastes, but despite that... well, your characters were talking to each other, not at the reader. Being slightly lost is expected any time you eavesdrop on a conversation (which readers of all sorts of narratives are more or less doing). You also skillfully weave in a lot of information through the dialogue and narrative without it seeming unnatural or as if that's what you're doing.

I'm infinitely curious about your world now, too. I've read all sorts of the strong, hot-headed heroines in novels based on European societies, but one in a society where men have multiple wives? Now that is interesting indeed. Looking forward to seeing what you do with that.

Onto critiqueish stuff... I know I said that the way you incorporate information in this chapter is great, but it might be too much, depending on what audience you're aiming for. I think that I'll be fine as a reader as long as we start getting answers to all the questions you ask. If all we get is more questions and more names and such in the next part, my brain might explode.

I also think your first paragraphs could use some reworking, as they left me very confused indeed (though it was smooth sailing for the most part after that). Here's what I mean:

Watching my mother and sister pack was akin to pulling teeth. Until the wedding was complete, Mother would live at the palace to help Ranya get used to her new life. Had it just been my sister leaving, I could have rationalized that she was the only one in the family going to the palace.

The training yards became my home outside of political lessons and any time I could take with my sister, when she wasn’t organizing twenty different things and in etiquette lessons for proper palace behaviour. Since those took up most of her time, I was rarely seen outside the courts.


There's a disconnect between the first and second sentences. We the readers are going into the second sentence expecting an explanation on why watching them pack is akin to pulling teeth. Instead, we get something that's more slanted toward why they're packing, and it's only implied that that's why, so our brains are now working overtime trying to digest that information. We go into the third sentence, but the third sentence has nothing to do with the previous two that the reader can tell. Instead, it's a convoluted. We have to backtrack to note that the mother is going with the sister to this palace--and then she's rationalizing something, but we don't know what it is she's rationalizing (the horror of watching them pack?)

The next paragraph doesn't help either. I think the culprit is "any time I could take with my sister." I had to read that part twice to get what you meant. Another part of the problem is that the training grounds are a place and while political lessons are place-like, time spent with a departing sister is not a place at all. Her finding a home relates back to watching her mother and sister pack--we now know what she does about watching them pack--but we still don't know why. The last sentence in the paragraph also requires a lot of brain processing, requiring us to take in that her sister is ultra busy and that our narrator's time is spent between the courts, her own lessons, and her sister, but because her sister's ultra busy, she's on the court a lot, which means her lessons must not take up that much time.

And after all that work we the readers do mentally, we realize that all of it was just an explanation for why she was out in the courts practicing. In short, your opening paragraphs are one gigantic puzzle making brains overheat for a very small reward.

You can cut 'em and begin with her in the courts, practicing. Work in the information about why she's there in the next paragraphs rather than frontloading it and leaving the reader grasping blindly for the story threads.

And... that's about it! Never been a nitpicker so I'll let you sort out the typos here and there yourself.

Let me know if you have any questions, and if you want to run ideas by me or whatever, I'm always available.

Rach




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I love the voice you use here! The characterization is a blast to read (okay, that sounded weird), but really, your dialouge is great. I have soooo much trouble with dialouge - mine sounds corny and unnatural. But yours... flowed and was a great read.

The way you describe things, like:
Watching my mother and sister pack was akin to pulling teeth.

(Yes, I know that was the first line and not really a great example.)
Anyways, I like the way you compared things, and again, the voice is excellent.

-Dai
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Had it just been my sister leaving, I could have rationalized that she was the only one in the family going to the palace.

Maybe I'm just being incredibly slow today, but I am having a heck of a time muddling through this sentence here. What exactly is Kerani rationalizing here? Isn't it just her sister going to the palace? Sure, her mom's tagging along for the ride for a bit, but she'll be coming back, right? And is Kerani that torn up about her mom being gone for a while? I wasn't getting that sort of intense mother-daughter relationship between the two last chapter.

Basically, I second Rach about the first two paragraphs.

I liked the relationship between her and her brother. It was a lovely comradery. The dialogue did feel, on occasion, to be a little...modern, though. I'm not quite sure how to explain that any better. I mean, they didn't really speak the way two modern teens would speak, at least when it came to word choice and turn of phrase, but it still felt... I dunno, odd. Very interesting to read and chock full of interesting tidbits that set the stage and events without being info-dumpy, but it still felt a little off to me. Doesn't change that that the relationship itself was completely made of win.

I would like to see them interacting without dropping worldbuilding hints though. It's really early right now, so what's here is fine, but in the future, I would really like to see them have a heart-to-heart, or even just some playful banter, where they don't really reference outside events. Dialogue is a great vehicle for worldbuilding and exposition and whatnot and you manage to work that stuff in wonderfully here while still making it feel like a true conversation, but I'd like to see a conversation between them where I'm not also having to sort through the references and make connections and whatnot. Obviously, you have a whole lot of story ahead of you, but I like this relationship. I want to see more of it before it changes (if it does, which I am getting an odd feeling about, but what do I know?).

Mmm, the hints as to Kerani's powers and past are quite intriguing.

All in all, *likelikelike*. As always, drop me a line if you have questions, comments, tropes to gush about, etc.

~Gryph
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Rosey! I'm back!

I. NITPICKS

I could have rationalized that she was the only one in the family going to the palace.


Well, duh?

“I see we’ll have to increase the budget for sparring equipment for awhile after Ranya leaves,” he said from the fence a couple meters away.


a while.
He laughed. “Had to be. To convince Father I didn’t need to be introduced to Court at the wedding.”


Had? Why the past tense?

That lock had been… interesting to pick.


How can a lock be interesting? I like the connotations of this sentence, but when you actually think about it, it makes no sense xD

He just grinned. “Leave that, to me.”


Why the comma?

II. OVERALL

I quite like this. By now you know me and my tastes, and anything dialogue driven is my favourite. That said, I'm wary of how it connects with the last piece. Also because, and I will tell you why, I had never considered polygamy in the Cat Steps world before, and never thought of the family being, you know, big. So now I'm questioning the idea of a close-knit family unit that the first section seems to give off. Here are people like Jalil who are just as much a part of the family. When her mother and father are arguing, I'd try and make it appear more like... well I don't have an example of what it should be like, but it shouldn't be like your typical TV family. Or maybe it should. I don't know. I've never met someone in that sort of situation.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010



Anne felt that life was really not worth living without puffed sleeves.
— L. M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables