Headache

Headache

The fruits of my labor
Spilled out on the sand for all to see
Peach, kiwi, strawberry
All gushing out like goo
The shining waves of the lake
The sun setting behind the lighthouse
Grey, muave clouds stretching over the sky
As I sink into the sand
And try to sleep
With this massive headache


Written just as I was about to fall asleep last night. As you can imagine... I had a headache.

It reads nicely, which is a good thing. Hard to find sometimes these days. It kind of ... rolls off the tongue. I like your word choice. However, I don't really get (is there anything to get?) the poem as such, it just seems like it's a bit random. The last line needs some work. For all the goodness of the rest of the piece, the last line is too blunt, too concrete. Perhaps you need some contrasts to the lush sands and fruits with the pain of the headache? I don't know. But the ending and the overall feel of the poem needs a litlle work. Thanks for sharing.

i agree with firestarter - you're a great poet. and the beginning sounded like it had a meaning, and then you started talking about your headache. it was sort of like this:

the fruits of my life...la te da...
all this beautiful deep stuff
the sand - oh how pretty

..i have a headache, so i'll go to bed now.

so, as you can imagine, i was sort of let down. it was pretty, that's for sure, but i didn't think you fullfilled the meaning of your poem, as you were dying to incorporate the "falling asleep with headache" image.