Day In, Day Out

Just knowing that
I'm not good enough
Just tears me apart
Just destroys me
I don't want to
Live this life if I'm not good enough
For anyone
I try to be more than I am
I try to make others happy
Though I am not
Does that make me a good person?
It's obvious I'm upset,
so why isn't anyone doing anything?
Only a few friends have offered real help
If that
I have to sit here and
Just stare at everyone,
See their smiles
But everyday
I have to sit here and
Look from afar
But I've learned to cope with that
Learned to live in hell

Wow, I just wanted to say this one really got to me. I guess because I can relate to it a lot. It's just amazing how you expressed your feelings so that the reader can really relate to them. I felt liek I was reading something familar, but voiced out loud and worded better than I ever could have. My only thing, maybe add some more puncuation marks to break it up a little? But really, I'm not complaining at all; this is just really heartfelt from my point of view. The format seemed consistent throughout and it flowed along well, easy to keep focused on. Nicely done!

<..> Kat

Hey Aliaaryn

I really admire what you're trying to get across here, but you're just not quite there yet. Reading this poem, I feel no emotion but gut-wrenching annoyance and self-pity. When I read this, I don't want to feel sorry for you! I'm just irritated by you. My advice is to go about it a bit differently- tell me why I should feel bad for you, don't shove your pity down my throat and expect me to care.

It also feels a bit choppy, like you cut off at odd places. This doesn't feel like poetry to me, in fact, it reminds me of a long monologue. There's nothing really artistic about it.

Just knowing that
I'm not good enough
Just tears me apart
Just destroys me

Here, you're already off to a shaky start by repeating 'just' three times in four lines.

I want you to show me why your life is hell. Not tell me about it without an example and expect me to feel sorry for you.

-B

Hello! I hate to admit this, but... I don't really like this poem. Okay, this is me just being blunt. I'm not trying to be mean or anything, my review will help you in the long run.

Now, the main reason why I don't like this poem is because it is a very selfish poem. I'll explain. It is a very selfish poem because you wrote it to satisfy and entertain yourself, not to entertain and satisfy the audience. For example,

"Just knowing that
I'm not good enough
Just tears me apart
Just destroys me
I don't want to
Live this life if I'm not good enough"

This really shows just how selfish this poem is. Normally, when you write poetry, the policy is "show, don't tell." This poem tells more than it shows. Using the example above, you tell me that you're not good enough, that it tears you apart and destroys you, but I want you to describe to me how you're not good enough and how it tears you apart and destroys you. I recommend that you go to Poetry Tutorials and read Emotional Poetry by Suzanne in order to learn how to write better emotional poetry.

Also, when it comes to writing poetry, you should divide your lines into verses, which are groups of lines. Otherwise, your poem will look like just a really long paragraph. Here's an example, you can write the poem like this:

Just knowing that
I'm not good enough
Just tears me apart
Just destroys me

I don't want to
Live this life if I'm not good enough
For anyone
I try to be more than I am

I try to make others happy
Though I am not
Does that make me a good person?
It's obvious I'm upset,

so why isn't anyone doing anything?
Only a few friends have offered real help
If that
I have to sit here and

Just stare at everyone,
See their smiles
But everyday
I have to sit here and

Look from afar
But I've learned to cope with that
Learned to live in hell

Now, note this is just an example. Lastly, I kinda like how you have no punctuation, which gives your poem a bit more freedom, but, still, you need some punctuation in order to add some control to your poem that way, it's not too free and it has flow to it.

Now, if you follow my advice, your poetry will be great! I can promise you that! So, remember: show, don't tell; make verses, add punctuation, and don't write selfish poetry. Good luck at writing poetry!

Hey! Here as you requested

I like the honesty the poem has. The emotions are obviously very raw and very vulnerable, which can be good sometimes. I like the fact that this poem seems vulnerable because it proves how helpless the subject is. Deep down, they want to be noticed, but they don't know what to do. Every teenager has felt as if they can't own up to anybody's expectations-- it's something we go through several times throughout adolescence. What I'm trying to say is, we can relate to this, so we feel a connection, and a connection is just a very nice feature in any piece of art.

There are some words that I find distracting. I don't want to completely morph your poem into something that it isn't. I know how it feels to be criticized practically to the brim and I don't want you to feel like I'm insulting your work. This is a very nice piece. Just take a look at this.

Alliaaryn5665 wrote:Just knowing that
I'm not good enough
Just tears me apart
Just destroys me
I don't want to
Live this life if I'm not good enough
For anyone
I try to be more than I am
I try to make others happy

That was before ( yeah I know, obvious. herp derp.)

Alliaaryn5665 wrote:Just knowing that
I'm not good enough
tears me apart,
destroys me.
I don't want to live
if I'm not good enough.
Not for anyone.
I try to be more than I am,
try to make others happy.

Doesn't that sound a little better? I don't know what you have to say about it but I just think it sounds fabulous. I noticed that you like to use repetition, and I'm guilty for the same habit. Repetition is a good thing, it gets the point across and it usually can tell you whether or not the poem was speculated or completely raw. We just can't overdo it, or others will notice, and get distracted from the topic or our intentions. You didn't go overboard but I just don't want you to fall into that dirty habit.

I don't really have anything else to say. I think you have a lot of potential! This was just advice and honest criticism, you don't have to follow it. Either way, I hope this helped and have a nice day!

Hi there.

OK, straight to the point, since it's late.

Your poem...is honest...as someone said before. But that's all.
It doesn't really read like a poem. Sure, you have structure, punctuation, all that stuff, but...other than that, just words. Now, I don't want to be harsh. But this is my honest opinion. You're TELLING, not SHOWING. This is something you would do BEFORE writing a poem. Maybe you did just that. Take this "list" and actually write the poem now. This is NOT a poem. Sorry.

Use things like: Similes, Metaphors, alliteration, onomatopoeia, foreshadowing, you know, all that stuff you learn in English class in school applies here now. SHOW, do NOT, EVER EVER TELL! Number one rule. It was hard to grasp for me at first. But now I make sure NEVER, or almost never to tell.

Hope this helped. Now go write that poem!

Kaay... so I get what you're trying to say and the underlying message is a good one. I just feel like the way you express what you think and feel is a bit dull. You must show rather than just tell and you need to spice it up, use more vivid descriptions, make it powerful, make us understand rather than just make us aware.
I'd also encourrage you to add some spaces, you know, divide your text into stanzas and then whole your at it... add some punctuation too! It helps the rythm and flow

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

Hi Alliaaryn5665

I think you're poem is quite... Well, all I can say is it's just 'ALRIGHT' Not Good, Bad or Excellent. It's just.. A pass mark I guess if I'm trying to describe?

Anyway, why I thought it was just alright is because you're poem didn't have any relation to you're title... That's what's really annoying. I usually struggle with the title. I know everyone has that problem but you see, you're a writer and you're much higher than me and a junior writer reviewing this... I know you must know much more to writing than me but I think the title did't much work for me. I mean seriously 'Day In, Day Out' ? Where does the title have a relation with a poem.

It went smooth at first but then I think kind of lost the flow...

Here..

Just tears me apart
Just destroys me

It's tearing you apart and destroying you? Let me tell you that it kind of already gives us the idea when it comes to 'tearing me apart' . It means it already destroyed you.

If that
I have to sit here and
Just stare at everyone,
See their smiles
But everyday
I have to sit here and
Look from afar

This part, You've repeated 'If that' 2 times. I don't think there's a need for that.

I'm sorry to be harsh :S

But what I found brilliant in you're story is you quite well expressed the feelings Good job!

Keep writing <3

--
LM