Posies

Wrote this for fun, but I might use it in a slam. Tell me what you think!

To my terrible English teacher, who seems to think that all teens are the same and they all think they're immortal. Giving us a test every day won't prove that we've learned anything.
______________________________________________________________

I'm just a girl
you know, one of those
broken, insecure, colourful kids
the ones you say aren't immortal.
You're right, by the way.
When I wake up every morning and I
brush my teeth and there's blood in the sink
I don't think
Hey, I'm gonna live forever!
I think
Holy shit, I'm gonna bleed to death!
And yeah, it never happens
but don't you think that maybe
when I walk into school tasting metal
I feel more mortal than you ever have?
or at least I think
damn, I need to take better care of my gums.


And I don't know much about life
but I'll tell you what I do.
I'll tell you; I don't live for notebooks
or the test on last week's test on testing
I live for
Did you know that Ring Around the Rosies is about the plague?
I live for
Screw that test on Act three, let's act it out.
I live for life
not fluorescent lights on question sheets.


You know what else I know?
I know I'm not the only dreamer.
I know that there are hundreds of other
broken, insecure, colourful kids
just dying to get up out of that seat
and live for once, learn that knowledge
isn't paper and well-chewed erasers.
It's breathing all around them.
And one day, I'll scoop up all those so-called immortals
and I'll hand them everything I know.

It's not much,

but I'll teach them to live.

Or at least

I'll dream about it.

Hi there, I'm going to review for you - hey look - i'm a poet and i didn't even know it! Wait, no! I knew it.
"...I'mm(a) scoop up all those so-called immortals..."
Alright, well let me just say this - I love this poem with all my heart. The way you go out of your way and speak your mind in this turmoil of a poem is brilliant. Some of it, though confusing, makes it even better. This poem seems to be about the flux of life and how no one can be all they are willed to be. No one can be smart because a teacher wants them to be smart, no one can be dumb because we label them dumb. Your poem speaks this out - in what I gather - and it's really well done. Some of the flow needs to be fixed a little , like that random line "...Did you know that Ring Around the Rosies is about the plague?..." it seems to break up the flow as do a few other things but I still liked it. The broken flow makes it all the more unique.
I can't seem to find too much wrong with it, can I ? Hmm... I'm not the best reviewer I guess. Sorry.

Overall - I loved this poem and I urge you to continue with your contemporary style and keep up the emotion and hidden meanings, eh?

-- Write on.
Stones.

I really like this! I HATE teachers who think they know everything and force their opinions and style of writing upon their students. I had one of those last year...so I can definitely relate. I can feel your emotion and power through your work. Keep up the good work!

Keep writing!
<3 Sara.

This is great! I love that it's to your English teacher, by the way. A lot of teachers seem to judge all kids based on sterotypes, and it's really annoying. Anyway, great job; this was highly entertaining as well as deep. An odd combo, but it really worked for this poem!

TS

Hey Tori!

Okay! Just a couple of thoughts (and hopefully I won't be too rambly or whatever). First of all, your English teacher sounds like no fun, lol. Very uptight! I wouldn't want to have her at all -- she would totally crimp my style!

Now, your poem! I really liked how you brought in how you began by describing yourself as the "broken, insecure, colourful" kid, because it really shows how disdainful you are about what she has to say...and let's face it, we love disdain, lol. But, I think you can phrase the immortality bit more. Like, put emphasis on the fact that she is the one to say that these kids think they are immortal, when they really aren't. Right now, it's worded really awkwardly and I think you can really clean it up!

Next thing is the teeth bit... okay, you're taking things out of your real life. But, I am pretty sure this isn't the only pain you've ever had. More likely than not, you've had one moment in your life that you seriously thought that you might die. One time, when I was just a little kid, I watched my mom and little sister (she was just a toddler at the time) almost get hit by a train (we were trying to get away from the train tracks, but we were on a sheer cliff face at the time and my mom had my sister on her shoulders. I watched my brother get swept out at sea and then my dad had to jump in to retrieve him at dusk (not the easiest time to see). I almost chainsawed my leg when I was about ten. SO. Yeah. My family is a bit clumsy. But, you get the idea... pain happens and people die and you can narrowly escape death sometimes. So, why not use this instead? It might be more painful to use as a memory, since admitting that you almost died is sometimes really awful, but it would make this poem more realistic.

Also, one thing that you might want to do is connect the second stanza to the rest of the poem... maybe this is just the way I read it, but I think that the reason why people sometimes want to live so much is because they realize how short life is and yet how beautiful it is. So, you might want to say something like, yeah, I don't know what life is but I know how short it is and that's why I want to live and not just merely exist. Something along those lines.

Haha, this is a morbid review.

But! I do like it!

Hey Tori, Slam is a fun thing to do. Slam is a great way to express yourself and make it still a riveting, interesting work of art.

So, the help you need: take out between 50% - 65% of your usage of "I", then make this a more compelling depiction of your frustration by letting us experience it with you, not through you, or even worse, forced by you.

Otherwise this is a rant.

Thank you everyone!

Hi,

Here to review as a whole! Here goes:

I'm just a girl
you know, one of those Capitalization
broken, CAPS
insecure, CAPS
colourful kids Caps?
the ones you say aren't immortal. Caps
You're right, by the way.
When I wake up every morning and I
brush my teeth and there's blood in the sink Caps
I don't think
Hey, I'm gonna live forever! Quotation marks, maybe?
I think
Holy shit, I'm gonna bleed to death! Quotes again, maybe?
And yeah, it never happens
but don't you think that maybe CAPS
when I walk into school tasting metal Caps.
I feel more mortal than you ever have?
or at least I think Capitalization
damn, I need to take better care of my gums. Caps and quotes. I laughed at this line!
And I don't know much about life
but I'll tell you what I do. Caps.
I'll tell you;
I don't live for notebooks
or the test on last week's test on testing Caps.
I live for
Did you know that Ring Around the Rosies is about the plague?
I live for
Screw that test on Act three,
let's act it out. Caps and I totally agree!
I live for life
not fluorescent lights on question sheets. Don't get it..?
You know what else I know?
I know I'm not the only dreamer.
I know that there are hundreds of other
broken, Caps!
insecure, Caps.
colourful kids Caps and it's spelled colorful.
just dying to get up out of that seat Caps.
and live for one, Caps.
learn that knowledge CAPS!
isn't paper and well-chewed erasers. Caps
It's breathing all around them.
And one day,
I'll scoop up all those so-called immortals
and I'll hand them everything I know. CAPS!
It's not much,
but I'll teach them to live. Caps
Or at least
I'll dream about it.

Overall, this is just phenominal. I didn't get some parts, but, hey, it happens. I found it hilarious that I was listening to the song Perfectly Perfect while reading this. In this poem, you had humor and other emotions.Good job!

Farewell,
A.

Thanks! Just so you know, here In the UK we spell a lot of words differently than in America colorful>> colourful. favorite>>favourite. Mostly just adding a 'u' or a few letters. program>>programme

Thanks for the review! Glad you got the humour, a lot of people I think didn't.

I LOVED THIS. OMG!!!

but don't you think that maybe
when I walk into school tasting metal
I feel more mortal than you ever have?

This was my favorite line out of the whole thing. I don't know why, but I was like, drooling, this-is-some-amazing-word-stuff, yeah!

It's not much,

but I'll teach them to live.

Or at least

I'll dream about it.

I also really, really love the ending. I don't know why, but when I think about a lot of poems they talk about taking action rather than just dreaming about it, but you ended your poem about dreaming. I think dreaming is still important and without dreaming we would never "do".

This was seriously a good poem in my opinion, though. : D

Mustard seems to have something against first person...... o.o

;3


I love this! It's wonderful. I wish I had nitpicks, but I don't--you captured the sort-of desperation of the artist in a school setting wonderfully.

Thanks so much for posting, it was a joy to read!