Winter In Spring

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Snow blindfolded the ground, warning it not to peek. Spring was here, but the green landscape was still under construction, a curtain of whiteness hiding it. Navy paint poured itself into the sky, filling it up as night came. A white moon floated on top of the ocean of blue dye. Freezing light radiated from it. I let my head fall to the pillow, eyes slipping closed. My book crawled out of my fingers as I fell asleep.
Click-click-click-click-click. My eyelids crept apart, and I again turned my attention to the perfect painting outside my bedroom window. The sky had melted into a bright blue, and patches of warm green grass showed. Smiling, I tried to fall back asleep, but just as I look down I shrieked. A silhouette of a strange creature was next to me, shaking violently. I tore away the covers and raced to the light switch. Bitter yellow flooded the room, and I sucked in air that tasted like relief. A wind-up rabbit hopped jerkily across my pillow.
Easter! I forgot all about it. Snickers came from my closet, and I yanked open the doors to find my little sister, Chloe, crouched there. I gave her my best “really?” look and pointed to the bunny hopping around on my bed.
She smiled and nodded.
“Not funny,” I said even though she made me laugh inside. She sat there with tiny grin on her face, not getting my hint. “Go get dressed,” I added, and giggled as I slipped the door closed behind her.
She skipped away and I went over to retrieve her wind-up toy. I twisted the handle and let it do its little dance. Chloe popped her head back in my room to squeal “Happy Easter!” and grab her rabbit from my palm.
I fell into my fluffy beanbag and thought about what a great day it was going to be. A scavenger hunt with clues in eggs that all led up to a grand prize at the end, a happy sister who I got to find it with, the sickly sweet candy that would make us happy but later regretful of eating so much. Chloe stuck her head in my room again.
“Come on Rachel!”
I met Chloe in the garage where she was getting onto her bike with pink streamers. Her basket was taped to her handlebars. I had a backpack on my shoulders because I thought it was a pain to carry around a basket everywhere. Our scavenger hunts went all over the neighborhood, from the lake to Open Space to our house. Usually our mom left the big prize back at home, so we would always wind up there again.
“Mom gave me the first clue! Can I read it?” Chloe looked hopefully at me for approval. I nodded.
“Cold, dark, black and empty, visited by those seeking information,” Chloe scrunched up her nose. “What?!”
I knew it was the mailbox, but I liked to let her guess it on her own.
“Well, what place…?” I started, but her eyes shot open and she interrupted me.
“Mailbox!” she shouted, and I smiled as I as took off after her. We shot down the long bumpy driveway, bouncing up and down on our seats. Chloe was an expert rider for an eight-year-old. She didn’t even wobble. Smoothly she skidded to a stop and opened up the mailbox, pulling out a lime green egg. She opened the egg by pinching it at the seam so it cracked apart. Our clue fluttered to the ground. She picked it up and started to read. All the while I was staring into the blue sky, dotted with puddles of white paint. The first pink flower shoving dirt out of its way as it reached for the surface. Then I looked at Chloe, her face grinning eagerly. And I thought “It can’t get much better than this.”
"All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to persue them" -Walt Disney
:-)




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Nice story !

I found the language poetic somehow ! :)

The story is sweet. The characters are cute. :D

Good job and keep writing.




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Wow, a really sweet, heartfelt story that left me feeling good inside, glad I was able to read it! :) Thanks for sharing. I liked the really imaginitary description, you have a great way of 'showing, rather than 'telling'. Somes of my favorite lines were...

Navy paint poured itself into the sky


A white moon floated on top of the ocean of blue dye


Bitter yellow flooded the room, and I sucked in air that tasted like relief.


dotted with puddles of white paint.


Also, I liked the way you added some details to simple, everyday things, like describing the bike a little and their feelings of eating candy, letting us know some of their thoughts so the reader can feel more connected to the character. Also the I liked the way you painted a serene, mellow image, then having a random object jump in and cause the mood to change to surprise and a little suspense, before we know what it is.

Overall, great job! I admire your writing style and ability! Keep it up!

<..> Kat
Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits..
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.
~Unknown




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Hi,

I love this. There are a few nitpicks though. Grammar! There's this too:

“Mailbox!” she shouted, and I smiled as I as took off after her. We shot down the long bumpy driveway, bouncing up and down on our seats. Chloe was an expert rider for an eight-year-old. She didn’t even wobble. Smoothly she skidded to a stop and opened up the mailbox, pulling out a lime green egg. She opened the egg by pinching it at the seam so it cracked apart. Our clue fluttered to the ground. She picked it up and started to read. All the while I was staring into the blue sky, dotted with puddles of white paint. The first pink flower shoving dirt out of its way as it reached for the surface. Then I looked at Chloe, her face grinning eagerly. And I thought “It can’t get much better than this.”

Well, there souldn't be a second as. There should be a comma after smoothly. The sentence I made pink doesn't fit in between those sentences. Maybe you should have the MC look back down at the grass, that way it'd make sense. Overall, I really love this. Especally the last paragraph. Almost completely flawless! Good job!

Farewell,
A.
You think you are any different from me,or yourfriends?Or this tree?If you listenhard enough,you canhear every living thingbreathing together.You canfeel everything growing.We are all living togethereven if most folksdon't act like it.We all havethe same roots,and we are allbranches of the sametree.




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I loved this short story. It was really beautifully written. I thought the descriptive language was great, it even reminded me of a poem. I think it was a good job, and I love how it conjured up such great images in my mind. Good job!

Deanie x
Trust in God and all else follows.

Deanie, dominating the world since it was cool @Pompadour, 2014
Your username reminds me of a hotdog @Stegosaurus, 2015
Tried to make puns out of your username, but every attempt has been Deanied @Candywizard, 2015



worlds buzz over us like bees, / we be splendid in new bones.
— Lucille Clifton