Trees

I walked up to the tree. Here mom had hung a ribbon for every death as far back as she knew. I touched the soft violet ribbon that mom hung for my great-aunt Lucy. We were very close when she was alive before she got cancer. I directed my attention towards the crude carving I had done. "Ancestor Tree" It read.
"Back to work" I walked over to the shorter tree. I was also hung with ribbons but they were all blue or pink. I was holding a blue one. I brushed a few tears from my eyes. The carving on this tree was nicer, neater. "Childrens tree". The tears flowed freely now. I knelt down to hang the ribbon. Then stopped.
"Alicia just hang the ribbon!" My older brother said walking out of the shadows. How could he be so uncaring? Then I noticed the tears running down his face.
"You hang it." I said holding it out to him. He took it then ran into our house. I stood wondering what he was doing then I followed. I found him in my room he had a permanent marker. I walked stumbling on the rug to see what he was doing. "Christopher." Was what he was writing on the ribbon.
"Come on " He said standing up and grabbing my arm. We walked back outside and hung it up. We both cried as we looked at our baby brothers ribbon.

*Comments in bold, grammar stuff in red

I walked up to the tree. Here #FF0000 ">Mom had hung a ribbon for every death as far back as she knew. I touched the soft violet ribbon that #FF0000 ">Mom (but actually can probably be switched to she) hung for my great-aunt Lucy. We were very close when she was alive#FF0000 ">, before she got cancer. I directed my attention towards the crude carving I had done. "Ancestor Tree#FF0000 ">," it read. Opening paragraphs (or sometimes page(s)) are really important, so I like to give overviews on those. I have to say, this definitely got my attention. There's something really simple but meaningful about it that's really cool.

"Back to work#FF0000 ">," I walked over to the shorter tree. <I didn't really get what you were saying here. I#FF0000 ">t was also hung with ribbons#FF0000 ">, but they were all blue or pink. I was holding a blue one. I brushed a few tears from my eyes. The carving on this tree was nicer, neater. "Childrens tree". The tears flowed freely now. I knelt down to hang the ribbon. Then stopped.

"Alicia just hang the ribbon!" #FF0000 ">my older brother said#FF0000 ">, walking out of the shadows. How could he be so uncaring? Then I noticed the tears running down his face. At this point I feel like it's just a little rigid. I think you could use some more adjectives, descriptions and stuff to bring it to life a little more.
"You hang it#FF0000 ">," I said#FF0000 ">, holding it out to him. He took it then ran into our house. I would describe his initial expression and the length of time that passes between these actions. Did he snatch it quickly like he didn't want to think about this, or did he hold it delicately and take it slowly like he felt its importance and understood her pain on the subject? Things like this can make or break a story.I stood wondering what he was doing#FF0000 ">, then I followed. I found him in my room he had a permanent marker. I walked stumbling on the rug to see what he was doing. "Christopher" #FF0000 ">was what he was writing on the ribbon.
"Come on " He said#FF0000 ">, standing up and grabbing my arm. We walked back outside and hung it up. We both cried as we looked at our baby brothers ribbon.

So, this was really sweet, and I love flash-fiction pieces. Overall I just really love this story. My only critique that kind of goes throughout the whole thing is adding a little more emotionally, because right now we have a lot of action, but it doesn't go so deep that we can really be there. I know I'm being picky, but only because I love this story idea so much.

Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

Thanks!

Hi, dasiamri!

I think you've got a really sweet little idea here, a ribbon on a tree to remember someone. Because this is so short there isn't a great deal to say, so I just have a few little things to bring up that you could think about:

1. I think it's kinda hard to carve into a tree? Especially longer words! You might be better off having something like a little plaque being attached to each tree?

2. Perhaps, you could expand this a little. At the moment because it's so short, there isn't a lot of time for us to get to know any of the characters, and so it's kinda hard for us to really feel for the two of them, empathise with them, because we don't know that much about them at all.

3. In a similar vein, perhaps you could have a little more detail in this. Perhaps it would be nice to have a little more description to set the scene. Where are these trees? Are they in something like a family farm? Are they well tended to? It also raises a few questions, we know what happened to our MC's great-aunt Lucy, but what happened to Christopher? How old was he when he died? Did the brother and sister have a lot of time to bond with him? I think these are little things that you should show us to help build up a bit of flesh to the characters and the back story :)

I hope that I've been of some help to you! If you have any questions, or anything you'd like me to elaborate on, then feel free to shoot me a PM and whatnot!

- Tinny