Life and Death

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My theme was: A teacher in a doctor's office pointing at random bits of the sky. I know I didn't focus a lot on the teacher and bits of the sky part, but Nate didn't specify if they had to be key parts of the story ;) Also, it's 1000 words on the dot.



In a doctor’s office, there’s always an odd assortment of people. There’s the grandmother figure who suffers from severe arthritis but you can tell that doesn’t stop her when she pulls out a picture of herself horse-racing. You can’t help but admire her tenacity. And two seats down sits a quiet teenager, drably dressed in a black sweat shirt, black jeans, black shoes. Don’t ignore the thin, brown lines scratched across pale arms, like the intricate lines of a wilting rose.
Down farther is a mother clung by her two blond little ones and when the mother removes an auburn wig, you know only what has plagued her and the children that depend so desperately on this woman. A sympathetic tear slides smoothly down my cheek.
And why I am here? For a simple check-up? It seems redundant now, watching all these troubled, unfortunate souls. I cross my legs and adjust my grey blazer, stealing a look around the room before sneakily reaching over sideways to grab a magazine. I position it squarely in front of my face so I don’t have to see the death and depression surrounding me so immediately.
I suddenly feel a slight pressure near my calf and then the somewhat painful feeling of a sharp bone digging into the muscle. I close my magazine with a slap and look down at my leg where it seems a little boy has comfortably snuggled in.
“May I help you?” I ask with a stiff smile. The boy looks up with a pointed and sallow face.
“Your leg is a pillow.”
I’d really like to inform him that he’s mistaken, and that my leg is one-hundred-percent a lower limb, but I decide to let it pass. Who am I to ruin a child’s fun?
“It is, isn’t it?” I respond, my tone only a bit strained. “What’s your name?”
“You tell me yours first.” The boy’s eyes twinkle mischievously. He’s challenging me.
“No, you.” And the fun begins.
“No, you say first.”
“Nuh-uh. You.” Did I seriously just say “nuh-uh”?
“Yeah-huh.”
“Nuh-uh.”
A woman’s strong voice, who I assume must be this boy’s mother, answers for me: “Thomas, get off that woman’s leg!”
I can’t contain my laughter and soon enough, tears are rolling down my face. If this was a library or a bookstore or a conference, I would be kicked out. But, here, in a saddened doctor’s office, the laughter visibly cheers up the patients slightly. Even the lips of the somber adolescent twinge, if ever so subtly.
A doctor’s assistant garbed in purple scrubs comes out and calls for a Bradan. The teen rises slowly and lethargically follows the assistant. I silently send a prayer to the heavens asking for Bradan’s well-being.
I’ve also noticed that the little boy, Thomas, has not moved from his post at my leg. Instead, he’s gazing up at me with interest. His blue eyes are fluid and possess an intense expression, one that’s both soothing and unnerving somehow.
“You never told me your name,” he says eventually.
“That’s true,” I reply seriously. Thomas appeared rather mature for his age. “I’m Lorraine.”
“That’s a pretty name. Where do you work?” Thomas turns around and end up crossing his legs before me. He clearly intends to talk for a bit longer.
“I’m a teacher at an elementary school.”
“Oh, that’s cool. I’m in the second grade,” Thomas says proudly. His smile appears to stretch ear to ear. He stands up and throws his arms forward, taking hold of a free hand. “Stand up!”
I do as he wants and stand, only to tower over him. That’s when I notice the scars in the crook of his left arm. “What’s that?” I poke at them.
Thomas’s face suddenly dulls and the smile is wiped from his thin, pale lips. “That’s nothing.” He runs over to his mother and I’m suddenly confused. I return to my seat, a previous sullenness dropping like a claustrophobic blanket over the patients in the doctor’s waiting room.
I’m called in by the lady in purple. As she leads me like a little puppy on an invisible leash to my designated room, I pass one, door slightly open. There I see Bradan and, in his hands, a white form. The header reads Admission to Children’s Hospital: Psych. I feel like running in to this boy and hugging him. But he doesn’t know me so I’m not sure it would have the intended effect.
Finally, the lady and I, the puppy, reach my room which is all the way at the other end. She tells me to sit and wait for the doctor. And then the doctor comes in, asks me the needless questions, checks me over and sends me out. That was quick, I think.
This time, I can return myself back to the waiting room to pay the doctor fee. But instead of directly going to the desk, I take a detour and find myself at the threshold of Bradan’s temporary room.
“Hi,” I say.
“Hi?” Bradan’s tone is teetering on the edge of a whisper and I lean in to better hear him. “Hi,” he repeats.
“I know you don’t know me, but I have something to show you.” I look at him questioningly, silently asking the obvious question, Will you follow me?
He nods and stands, not at all reluctant to leave the Psych Ward admission form on the stiff, scratchy cot. I take his shoulder and gently push him out into the hallway. We’re lucky it’s empty.
We head over to an area of windows where the sky is the most visible. It’s blue and bright and joyful. Just what Bradan is in need of. I point up at a cloud.
“Heaven is nice, but life is better.” I say to Bradan, smiling. He smiles this time.
“Ice cream is better.” Thomas walks up behind me, licking some out of a bowl. “Especially when it’s your last.”
My tears run freely.
Last edited by Lavvie on Fri Jul 01, 2011 9:26 am, edited 3 times in total.
this tender selfmetamorpoiesisi have returned with the swell

What is to give light must endure burning. – Viktor Frankl




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Amazing. Amazing. Amazing.
Hello there :)
I don't have any nit picks for this piece so I'll go right to my impression: Astounding. Truly, you have a gift for this. There was something about this entire piece that set my heart in a totally different place. The setting, the mood, the very theme of this was just frankly awesome. You put in important takes on life, and showed how precious things are; even the little things.
I think the best thing in the piece was the ending. Her telling a person she didn't know to see the beauty of life and to push forward, that kind of thing, touched my heart deeply. I think there is something in every paragraph of this that people can connect to; the little things, and the big things.
There is alot of reality in this piece, and you know, I will never walk into a doctors check up ever again the same way.
This was beyond well written, beyond reaching out and making a point. This was reality at its worst, and yet, the way you wrote it was beautiful.
Let me know when you have more to review.
your new fan--
Ash <3
And just when the caterpillar thought her life was over, she turned into a beautiful butterfly.




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This piece...was adorable.

I loved it. And, as impossible as this is, it set me to tears. Something about it just touched me so deeply. It changed my whole perspective while reading this. Whether you meant to or not, you truly touched me.
THis whole piece was deep in a simple way. The description of everything was absolutely amazing!
Two thumbs up for this! I entered this too and now I'm thinking...yeah..they win! hahaha :)

Grammar and spelling to me looked absolutely fine...just like the rest of the piece.

Good luck, you deserve to win!
-Brie
"None but ourselves can free our minds." ~Bob Marley




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Down farther is a mother clung to by two little blond ones and when the mother removes an auburn wig, you know only what has plagued her and the two young lives that depend so desperately on this woman.


-First, there must be a better way to say two little blond children. Second, I think this sentence might work better without "only". Third, (and this is the reason for the first point) "two young lives" is much too similar to "two little blond ones" to be in the same sentence. This sentence needs revision.

A sympathetic tear slides smoothly down my cheek.


-I'm not one for tears. Perhaps a pang of sympathy... If you really feel like this character would start crying in a public place, do it. But otherwise... I was enjoying it much more before this slightly melodramatic moment...

I cross my legs and adjust my grey blazer. I steal a look around the room before sneakily reaching over sideways to grab a magazine. I position it squarely in front of my face so I don’t have to see the death and depression surrounding me so immediately.


-Try combining the first two sentences. Notice that you start all three of these sentences with "I [do something]" ... That isn't exactly something you want to be doing. Also, immediately doesn't seem like the word you were looking for -- I say keep looking.

Even the lips of the blackened adolescent twinge, if ever so subtly.


-"Blackened" kind of makes him sound like he's a piece of toast. I'd suggest a different word, if not the removal of it.

I silently send a prayer to the heavens asking for Bradan’s well-being in his future.


-"In his future" is implied here, so you should probably remove it. It would help streamline this part of your story.

Continuing, the lady and I, the puppy, finally reach my room which is all the way at the other end.


-I like what you did by continuing the metaphor, but the way this sentence is phrased sounds a bit awkward. Maybe if you got rid of "continuing" ... ?

“Heaven is nice, but life is better.” I see Bradan smile. I smile.


-I get what you're trying to say here. But... I don't know. Hmm. Just take a look at it. (I think it's the implication that life > heaven that bothers me... not because I think it's wrong, I'm just not sure Bradan would buy it. Hmm.)

“Ice cream is better.” Thomas walks up behind me, licking some out of a bowl.


-This was great.

My tears run freely.


-More tears. I ignored them the second time, but... This sentence might have a better effect if this character didn't cry so unreservedly. It is the final sentence of this piece, after all.

I hope this review doesn't sound as jerky as I think it does... but I'm sort of in a rush. So I'm genuinely sorry if you were insulted. That being said...

You have no reason to be. This was a great story, a fantastic piece... really, it's something to be proud of. You're a great writer -- every critique I had came from being over-critical. I loved the way you made humor such a part of this story, even with it being about what it is.

That was a great ending (all tears aside) and tied up your story very nicely. Really, really good job. I loved it. :)




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I know this is very short...but...WOW...I have absolutley no comments, I'm speechless!
The last person to mess with me and my tigerness lost his face...and his COOKIES!




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Hi,

I wish there was more. I want more. This is just absolutely adorable, with absolutely no errors. Good job, made me laugh and almost want to cry.

Farewell,
A.
You think you are any different from me,or yourfriends?Or this tree?If you listenhard enough,you canhear every living thingbreathing together.You canfeel everything growing.We are all living togethereven if most folksdon't act like it.We all havethe same roots,and we are allbranches of the sametree.




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Gotta agree with the idea of the tears. I think if she didn't cry it would feel a whole less melodramatic. Maybe they just well up at the end?

I did really enjoy the piece overall though. There's a subtle power in the writing that few writers on the site manage and I must commend you for it. I wished that the piece was a bit longer, as I wanted more of the character's story and how she got here before the boy shows up.

I like the point of the girl referring to herself as a puppy. Very nice.
You really bring out emotion without resorting to manipulative drama and pull it off effortlessly. Great work.




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Sorry for being so late! :o

Down farther is a mother clung to by two little blond ones and when the mother removes an auburn wig, you know only what has plagued her and the children that depend so desperately on this woman. A sympathetic tear slides smoothly down my cheek.


I would prefer "clung by her two blond little ones..."

Also, cancer?

I’d really like to inform him that he’s mistaken, and that my leg is one-hundred-percent a lower limb, but I decide to let it pass. Who am I to ruin a child’s fun?


She seems really irritated here.

“It is, isn’t it?” I respond, this time with a genuine smile. “What’s your name?”


It seems weird that she's irritated just moments before and now she's smiling genuinely.

But, here, in a saddened doctor’s office, the laughter visibly cheers up the patients.


This may just be me, but I had to sit eight hours in the E.R. with a head injury/headache. Loud laughter would have meant death, I am pretty certain.

“I’m a teacher at an elementary school.”


Again, with her so irritated before, it seems strange that her attitude is changed. Maybe you shouldn't make her irritated before?

There I see Bradan and, in his hands, a white form. The header reads Admission to Children’s Hospital: Psych. I feel like running in to this boy and hugging him. But he doesn’t know me so I’m not sure it would have the intended effect.


Who the blazes is Bradan and why the heck does she want to hug someone from the psych ward? Also, why is the psych ward not very protected?

“I know you don’t know me, but I have something to show you.” I look at him questioningly, silently asking the obvious question, Will you follow me?


You should italicize the obvious question.

“Heaven is nice, but life is better.” I see Bradan smile. I smile.


Who says this?

“Ice cream is better.” Thomas walks up behind me, licking some out of a bowl. “Especially when it’s your last.”


Wait, Thomas is dying now too?

I think I missed something. But I'm rather confused by the ending. >.>
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D




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... (Bawls like a two year old) You made me so sad!!!!
Trust is like a mirror, able to be fixed if broken, but you can still see the cracks.

Writing is a form of personal freedom. It frees us from the identity we see in the making all around us. In the end, writers will write not to be outlaw heroes but to save themselves, to survive as individuals.



I wondered why we put villains in our stories when we have plenty of them in real life; then I realized that maybe we wanted stories where the good guy wins.
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