Embarrassment

Spoiler

This is certainly something I can relate to...

"I read your story," he says, grinning a little and giving a small chuckle.

I nearly choke on my tea. I feel my eyes get wide and my mouth squeeze up. I sense my face heating up a bit and begin to stutter a thank-you when he repeats the title. Embarrassment washes over me, and I dread what he might tell me next.

"The Secret Keeper," he says. It's the old title, though, and I don't know if this mortifies me more or less. My heart can't seem to decide either, skipping around in my chest like a jacked-up squirrel. My mind merely blanks as I try to keep cool. I try to force my eyes to shrink back to a somewhat normal size and begin to yammer on and on about it, how I changed the title, how the first chapter seemed to be a failure to me, and I only pay any attention to the words coming out of my mouth, hoping I don't slip up. Eventually, I am trying to sound like I'm actually happy that my older cousin read it, my cousin I hardly know, my cousin that makes everyone feel like they have to try hard to be cool.

"Yeah..." I start. "I, um, changed the t... title and posted the second chapter, but I've reached a dead end and..." I break off, realizing that all I'm doing is being stupid about it, and stop paying attention to anything but my own crazed embarrassment.

"It's really good," he says.

Did... did I hear that? What did he just say? I think. Um...

My normally bolting mind has slowed to a stop, and all I can think is, Um, what? practically over and over again.

"I'm sorry, what?" I ask quietly, hopefully not incoherently, staring at him, my heart still throwing itself inexplicably around in my chest.

"He said it's really good," my dad says, walking through.

I snap out of it, and let out an, "Oh!"

I begin to try and control my breathing, control my heart, because he liked it, he actually liked it.

But wait. What if he's just trying to be nice...?

I realize that I've been sitting silently for about half a minute, staring at him, and spit out a thank you.

"Why don't you get your pajamas on, Allie?" my dad suggests.

"Okay!" Relief washes over me, and I get up and race down the hall to my room, where I finally control myself. I stand there for a while, wondering if he really liked it, if it's actually lame, or if I've over done it. I realize I over-reacted, that I should have been proud, not mortified, that maybe I shouldn't have posted it on Facebook...

I jump in my bed and think of all these things until I fall asleep.

Spoiler

I just want to say, this actually happened to me. Also, I don't exactly know why I didn't include his name, but it just didn't seem necessary. Also, I did change the title, but the original title was Arabella's Secret, not The Secret Keeper. I just didn't feel like posting the original again, for whatever reason. Anyway, I hope you liked it, and I hope that it wasn't dreadful to read. Who out there can relate? Do you guys get mortified when someone you know wants to read what you've written? I certainly do. Don't ask why; I don't know. Ah, well. We should work on that, shouldn't we?
And it wasn't supposed to be all that much of a story, just the recount of something that happened. I know I haven't exactly mastered the short story-that's why I'm more of a novelist.

"I read your story," he says, grinning a little and giving a small chuckle.

I nearly choke on my tea. I feel my eyes get wide and my mouth #FF0000 ">squeeze up. Just felt like that was kind of a weird verb. I sense my face heating up a bit and begin to stutter a thank-you when he repeats the title. Embarrassment washes over me, and I dread what he might tell me next.

"The Secret Keeper," he says. Almost the name of my book! Sorry, completely irrelevant... It's the old title, though, and I don't know if this mortifies me more or less. My heart can't seem to decide either, skipping around in my chest like a jacked-up squirrel. My mind merely blanks as I try to keep coo#FF0000 ">l. I try to force my eyes to shrink back to a somewhat normal size and begin to yammer on and on about it, how I changed the title, how the first chapter seemed to be a failure to me, and I only pay any attention to the words coming out of my mouth, hoping I don't slip up. Eventually, I am trying to sound like I'm actually happy that my older cousin read it, my cousin I hardly know, my cousin that makes everyone feel like they have to try hard to be cool. I wouldn't make it so blunt as "makes everyone feel like they have to try hard to be cool." I'd just make it more inferred in her view of him.

But anyway, I felt like there could've been a little more of your MC's voice in this, since it is first person, because I felt like it was told in a kind of distant perspective. There were certain parts that are an exception to this, but I really would've liked to see it through her eyes even further, what she's feeling and even a little more of what's she's doing (shifting uncomfortably, paralyzed stone-still...whatever). All the same, this was a good story.

Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

Great use of detail! And I loved your writing style.

I just wanted to say lighten up a little and calm down. I'm sure whatever story this is was great. You shouldn't have been so surprised when he told you he liked it and I'm sure he meant it:) From this I can tell you're a great writer and you should have more confidence in yourself.

If there was just one thing I can say it's change it from General Fiction Short Stories to Non-Fiction because you said this had acutally happened to you. I don't see many things in Non-Fiction even though a lot of people write it.

I know that wasn't much a review but honestly your writing was great and there was really nothing to review since it was Non-Fiction:)

Hi there Hollow. I'm in as requested.

So, I'm not really sure what to make of this all. Personally, I don't really feel anything towards this. It's almost too simple and there's little to say about it. This short story could go on longer, but you've obviously chosen not to. And the thing is, this isn't really a plot. It's kind of...just a story for the heck of being a story. And I'm not even sure if this could be recounted as a story. If we get all technical, a real short story/novel has four basic parts to it: the initial incident, the rising action, the climax and finally, the denouement. If I took these four points and compared them to this story of yours, I think your story would only prove two of them.

i. INITIAL INCIDENT - In this story, your initial incident is, perhaps, the fact that the boy read the girl's story. Usually, the first line reveals the initial incident and you did just that. Well done!

ii. RISING ACTION - The rising action, to give a quick definition, is all the events, be they small or large, dull or interesting, leading up to the climax. Here, I'm not even sure you have any at all because there is also no climax in this story.

iii. CLIMAX - There is no climax to your story. There is nothing that holds the reader's interest for awhile, there is nothing that really spikes the audience's interest. Even though this may be written from one of your own experiences, I'm reviewing this as a fiction story because that was where it was placed.

iv. DENOUEMENT - The denouement, in short, is simply how everything ties together in the end. The red curtain when a play is finished and everyone has bowed and received their roses. It is possible that your denouement may be the girl heading off to prepare for bed.

See, you haven't quite mastered the basic structure of the short story and because you lack important events that may thrill the reader, it's not very interesting to read. However, I enjoyed the idea of the story-- I think it's something that everyone can relate to sometime or another.

Yours,
Lavvie