Right and Wrong

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Please help me with this! Was it descriptive enough? Did my MC's emotions get through? And, the most important thing, was it good? It's my first time writing something with a cliche subject, so I know I have to be careful with it... please tell me what you think!


Chapter One - The First Hunt

I hid behind Ryan's broad shoulders, peeking only slightly to watch the teenage girl throw the basketball at the hoop. It didn't seem like she noticed we were there; she started swearing when the ball missed its target.

"She's not very good, is she?" Ryan murmured to me. "It's not that interesting of a game." His icy blue eyes took a sharper tint than before, and I knew my mentor was starting to lose his patience.

I made an involuntary jerk, a cross between a shrug and a shake of the head. "She... she has good will power," I whispered in return. "Look, she's trying again."

We both waited as the girl fetched the ball and started bouncing it all over again, her ponytail jumping behind her head, her gaze fixed and determined. The squicky sounds of rubber soles against the shiny court's floor filled the silence between us.

Horror trickled through me at the thought of what I was about to do. Nervously, I tried to straighten the edges of my brown bangs. She wouldn't make it, probably. She'll go through lots and lots of pain and other horrible things, and it would all be my fault. An image of the girl's face distorted with pain slipped into my mind and I shied away from it instantly. I bit my lower lip, cowering behind Ryan's back. How could I do that to her? I burried my face in Ryan's back, trying to forget the consequences of my actions. Ryan still smelled like his usual self - something like a rose, only not as sweet... His scent was telling me what I was destined to know either way: he wouldn't taste very good. Ryan wasn't food. But I was getting hungry... "You're sure I won't hurt her?" I finally asked, sneeking a glance at the girl again.

Ryan turned around so that he was facing me now, and his blond hair swung with him. I couldn't exactly read his expression, and I flinched. He took my chin with his right hand and lifted it so that our eyes would meet. Our gaze held, and I tried desperately to transfer all my emotions into it: all my fear, my anxieties, my anger at what I had to do now, and also my yearning and hunger. The heart is such a strange vessle: I was feeling so sorry for this nameless girl, and yet I wanted to kill her. And I was going to kill her, without a doubt. I was a monster, after all... I bit my lower lip even harder. I was a monster, and I hated it so much.

"I'm positive, she won't feel a thing," he said firmly. "This isn't my first time, Hailey. Trust me." His hand slid down to my shoulder and he squeezed it once in sympathy. "I know it's hard, but you have to trust me on this one."

I blinked, and immediatly settled down, feeling all my muscles start to unclench. Of course, if I could trust anyone at all, it would be my mentor. Ryan was three years older, born on the same day as me only three hours apart, exactly as tradition said it should be. He was chosen by my parents to be my mentor, and one day, also my partner in life. Though those two were nearly always linked. Ryan knew what he was doing. Ryan wouldn't let me do anything bad. I trusted him completely.

Besides, I was being so silly. I was still so young, merely seventeen, so of course my first hunt would get me a bit worked up. Ryan, on the other hand, was already twenty... He'd already done this a dozen times, at the very least.

I took a deep breath through my nose. "Alright," I said in a small voice. I cleared my throat. "Okay," I said, this time louder. It seemed I caught the girl's attention. The squeaking stopped, and so did the thuds of the ball against the ground.

I stepped from behind Ryan, pulling myself to my full height. Ryan leaned down swiftly to whisper something in my ear: "Remember, let your instincts take over, don't think, and go for the jugular. Good luck." And he stepped back, an air of uninterest shrouding him.

I walked towards the girl with a cheery spring in my step, in order to maker her feel more at ease. "Hey! I saw you practicing from way over there!"

She assesed me quickly, probably deciding wether that was creepy or not, her eyes widening as she took in my bright green eyes; they were too bright to be considered normal.

"You're pretty good!" I added to distract her. I folded my hands behind my back and swung slightly back and forth.

Her face went red at this, though it was already pink with effort. "Oh, no, not at all! I really suck, don't I?" Then she gave a hearty laugh, which echoed in the empty building. "But that's okay. That's what practice is for, anyways."

I smiled only faintly. "Yes, practice makes perfect, doesn't it?"

Enough chit-chat, I thought crossly. Don't play with your food! I closed my eyes, and followed Ryan's advice, slowly letting my instincts rule my body. First came scent. The girl's aroma was delicious, even though she was sweating. Hot blood pulsed through her veins with every heartbeat, the sweet smell pulling me forward. Then came hearing. Her body was reacting to the workout; swirling with fresh blood, exerting heat... By the time taste came into being I was already locked onto her neck, and sweet, intoxicating red blood was flowing into my mouth.

I felt content for a brief moment. I was hungry; now I was eating. When my sense of reason came around, though, the illusion of happiness was shattered. I wanted to pull back, to stop what I was doing at once, but my body wouldn't let me; instead, it was making me pull the girl closer. I want to stop! The thought flung itself inside my head, but I couldn't; I had different, more basic wishes which my body obeyed.

I could feel angry tears slip from my closed eyes, cascading down my cheeks and mixing with the blood. Maybe I could still save this girl, maybe it wasn't too late...! A sob broke through my lips. I don't even know her name... I thought brokenly.

"Shh," I heard Ryan's voice, half crooning, and I could feel him rubbing calming circled into my back. "It'll be over soon... don't worry... You're doing great."

It lasted on for another few minutes, until I could finally pull back. I forced myself to lean back, and took shallow breaths. I avoided looking at the body. For some reason, I felt... steady. Like I was connected with the floor underneath me, in control of every single muscle in my body. It felt weird. When I did look up, I noticed Ryan was sitting next to me, with his chin resting on his his hand. "You know I hate it when you cry," he murmured softly, and wiped a tear from my cheek.

As his words registered my tears started sliding down faster. My lips started to quiver. "Is... is she... y'know, dead?" I glanced quickly at the girl on the floor and turned my head immediatly, not really wanting to see.

Ryan waited patiently for me to look him in the eyes before he spoke. My green eyes met the blue ones, and his gaze calmed me slightly. "It's natural, Hailey," he whispered. "They're supposed to be our food. That's what the world is like."

I breathed through my nose and wiped my mouth with the back of my trembling hand. I stared unseeingly at the basketball hoop. "Yeah, I know. 'Cause we're monsters." My voice sounded numb, even to me.

"No, Hailey, we're not 'monsters'. We're just... different." Ryan got up off his feet, and leaned down to help me up as well. "Come on, I'll send someone to clean up this mess. I think you need a shower and some sleep. It's been an exciting day out." As his warm hands guided my way, I tried to blink back more tears. The proof that I was a monster was not that a part of me felt great and energized and full, but something else enitrely: that girl I killed... she had a name. And I didn't even know it.
"if you were waiting for the opportune moment... that was it." - Captain Jack Sparrow




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Hello ofir!! I'm going to review your piece today!! Yay!! :D

Firstly, this is a great beginning to a story; I can tell already that there is a great story to come!! Of course, those little nitpicks always seem to crop up everywhere and this is where I point them out!!

It didn't seem like she noticed we were there; she started swearing when the ball missed its target.

You don't really need the semi-colon there, "as" or "seeing as" would do better.

Horror trickled through me

When using a dark word like "horror" I've found that you need darker words to go with it in the sentence. Instead of "trickled" you could try "seeped" or "dripped".

His scent was telling me what I was destined to know either way: he wouldn't taste very good. Ryan wasn't food. But I was getting hungry...

Seeing as you don't put anything about them being vampires before this, it confused me a little bit. It could do with revising.

I smiled only faintly

You don't need the "only" in there.

I could feel him rubbing calming circled into my back

I think you mean "circles".

As for what you asked at the beginning, the description was good but, seeing as this is a short piece, more could be added. Maybe describing where they are or more on the characters; especially if they are going to be showing up in further posts. Your MC's emotions were great. I could definitely tell how reluctant the girl was (I thought that maybe she is new to this) and the boy was very calm about it (which really shows experience). And the last point: YES!! It was really good and I can't wait to see where you are taking this. Normally I don't go for vampire things - especially since Twilight and Vampire Diaries killed off the traditional image of vampires - but you managed to pull me in so I think that is fantastic!! :) :)

PM or write on my wall if you need anything!! Midnight x
"Words are, in my not so humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic" - Albus Dumbledore




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Spoiler
I hid behind Ryan's broad shoulders, peeking only slightly to watch the teenage girl throw the basketball at the hoop. It didn't seem like she noticed we were there as she started swearing when the ball missed its target.

"She's not very good, is she?" Ryan murmured to me. "It's not that interesting of a game." I don't really know what you are trying to say here. It is awkward to read either way.His icy blue eyes took a sharper tint than before, and I knew my mentor was starting to lose his patience.

I made an involuntary jerk, a cross between a shrug and a shake of the head. "She... she has good will power," I whispered in return. "Look, she's trying again."

We both waited as the girl fetched the ball and started bouncing it all over again, her ponytail jumping behind her head, her gaze fixed and determined. The squeaky sounds of rubber soles against the shiny court's floor filled the silence between us.

Horror trickled through me at the thought of what I was about to do. Nervously, I tried to straighten the edges of my brown bangs. She wouldn't make it, probably. She'll go through lots and lots of pain and other horrible things, and it would all be my fault. An image of the girl's face distorted with pain slipped into my mind and I shied away from it instantly. I bit my lower lip, cowering behind Ryan's back. How could I do that to her? I buried my face in Ryan's back, trying to forget the consequences of my actions. Ryan still smelled like his usual self - something like a rose, only not as sweet. His scent was telling me what I was destined to know either way: he wouldn't taste very good. Ryan wasn't food. But I was getting hungry...

"You're sure I won't hurt her?" I finally asked, sneaking a glance at the girl again.

Ryan turned around so that he was facing me and his blond hair swung with him. I couldn't exactly read his expression, and I flinched. He took my chin with his right hand and lifted it so that our eyes met. The way you have it makes the sentence a little awkward to read.Our gaze held, and I tried desperately to transfer all my emotions into it: all my fear and anxieties, my anger at what I had to do now, and my yearning and hunger. The heart is such a strange vessel. I was feeling so sorry for this nameless girl, and yet, I wanted to kill her. And I was going to kill her, without a doubt. I was a monster, after all. I bit my lower lip even harder. I was a monster You don't need a comma hereand I hated it so much.

"I'm positive. She won't feel a thing," he said firmly. "This isn't my first time, Hailey. Trust me." His hand slid down to my shoulder and he squeezed it once in sympathy. "I know it's hard, but you have to trust me on this one."

I blinked, and immediately settled down, feeling all my muscles start to unclench. Of course, if I could trust anyone at all, it would be my mentor. Ryan was three years older and we shared the same birthday, though only three hours apart, This way seems to flow better with the paragraphexactly as tradition said it should be. He was chosen by my parents to be my mentor, and one day, my partner in life. Though those two were nearly always linked. This sentence seems to be unnecessary to the rest of the paragraph. Maybe if you reworded it or added it to the previous sentence it would flow better. Ryan knew what he was doing. Ryan wouldn't let me do anything bad. I trusted him completely.Besides, I was being so silly. I was still so young, merely seventeen, so of course my first hunt would get me a bit worked up. Ryan, on the other hand, was already twenty. He'd already done this a dozen times. The last part of the sentence could be taken out.

I took a deep breath through my nose. "Alright," I said in a small voice. I cleared my throat. "Okay," I said, this time louder. It seemed I caught the girl's attention. The squeaking stopped, and so did the thuds of the ball against the ground.

I stepped from behind Ryan, pulling myself to my full height. Ryan leaned down swiftly to whisper something in my ear: "Remember, let your instincts take over, don't think, and go for the jugular. Good luck." Then he stepped back, an air of disinterest shrouding him.

I walked towards the girl with a cheery spring in my step, in order to make her feel more at ease. "Hey! I saw you practicing from way over there!" She assessed me quickly, probably deciding whether that was creepy or not. Her eyes widening as she took in my bright green eyes; they were too bright to be considered normal. Trying to distract her, I added, "You're pretty good!"

Her face went red at this, though it was already pink with effort. "Oh, no, not at all! I really suck, don't I?" Then she gave a hearty laugh, which echoed in the empty building. "But that's okay. That's what practice is for, anyways."

I smiled faintly. "Yes, practice makes perfect, doesn't it?"


Enough chit-chat, I thought crossly. Don't play with your food! I closed my eyes, and followed Ryan's advice, slowly letting my instincts rule my body. First came scent. The girl's aroma was delicious, even though she was sweating. Hot blood pulsed through her veins with every heartbeat, the sweet smell pulling me forward. Then came hearing. Her body was reacting to the workout; swirling with fresh blood, exerting heat. By the time taste came into being I was already locked onto her neck, and sweet, intoxicating red blood was flowing into my mouth.

I felt content for a brief moment. I had been hungry and now I was eating. When my sense of reason came around though, the illusion of happiness was shattered. I wanted to pull back and stop what I was doing at once, but my body wouldn't let me. Instead, it was making me pull the girl closer. I want to stop! The thought flung itself inside my head, but I couldn't. I had different, more basic wishes which my body obeyed.

I could feel angry tears slip from my closed eyes, cascading down my cheeks and mixing with the blood. Maybe I could still save this girl. Maybe it wasn't too late! A sob broke through my lips. I don't even know her name. You could take out the last part of the sentence and still keep the flow.

"Shh," I heard Ryan's voice, half crooning, and I could feel him rubbing calming circles into my back. "It'll be over soon... doing worry... You're doing great."

It lasted for another few minutes, until I was finally able to pull back. I forced myself to take shallow breaths as I avoided looking at the body. For some reason, I felt... steady. Like I was connected with the floor underneath me and in control of every single muscle in my body. It felt weird. When I did look up, I noticed Ryan was sitting next to me, with his chin resting on his hand.

"You know I hate it when you cry," he murmured softly, and wiped a tear from my cheek.

As his words registered, my tears started sliding down my cheeks faster. My lips started to quiver. "Is... is she... y'know, dead?" I glanced quickly at the girl on the floor and turned my head immediately, not really wanting to see.

Ryan waited patiently for me to look him in the eyes before he spoke. My green eyes met his blue ones, and his gaze calmed me slightly.

"It's natural, Hailey," he whispered. "They're supposed to be our food. That's what the world is like."

I breathed through my nose and wiped my mouth with the back of my trembling hand. I stared unseeingly at the basketball hoop. "Yeah, I know. Cause we're monsters." My voice sounded numb, even to me.

"No, Hailey, we're not 'monsters'. We're just... different." Ryan got up off his feet, and leaned down to help me up as well. "Come on, I'll send someone to clean up this mess. I think you need a shower and some sleep. It's been an exciting day out."

As his warm hands guided my way, I tried to blink back more tears. The proof that I was a monster was not that a part of me felt great and energized and full, but something else entirely: that girl I killed... she had a name. And I didn't even know it.



Hi, I reviewed your work and for the sake of simplicity, I put it in a spoiler to save up space. Okay, so here we go. This is a good story and I think that it has a lot of potential. Other than the spelling and other grammatical errors is that you go a little overboard on the commas. Some sentences don’t need a comma even if it seems like there should be a pause there. Or try reading the sentence to see if it really needs a pause. Also, you don’t need to keep adding the dot, dot, dot. A simple period will do. I know that it seems like a lot of mistakes and whatnot, but it’s really not. Just a couple of here and there things and the story is great.
Keep up the good work. :D
When people ask me, why are you so weird, I never know what to say. Then I think, why should I be like this when I can be like ttthhhiiiisss?



If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're misinformed.
— Mark Twain