Drive

Spoiler

I literally wrote this in five minutes, not sure if it belongs in Lyric Poetry. I wanted to write something that was not so structured. Thanks for reading.

Cold life reaches its morning peak
The hum of the motor, the buzz of the old radio
Spewing out mindless talk show blubber

You drive an old Commodore VC
Rusted and broken it rolls down our driveway
On to the endless black plains it calls home

The engine splutters a dark deathly slime
Poison running though the crocked old pipes
The window half jacked open

You arm hangs out, care-free and strong
Eyes like the deepest sky boring into mine
A smile, a look, a kiss, a touch

A girl can dream can dream, can't she?
Sordid tales of love untouched
Hidden within the chasms of my mind

As your smile fades away into the distance
As my heart segues into the asphalt
You roll up the window and drive away

Aw, this is a beautiful narrative. Oh. On that topic, I think it'd go into Narrative Poetry, but it doesn't really matter. You say you wanted to write something 'not so structured', but the lack of punctuation really made it harder to read then necessary.

Jennya wrote:Cold life reaches its morning peak,
The hum of the motor, the buzz of the old radio
Spewing out mindless talk; show blubber.Or "spewing out mindless talk - show blubber."

You drive an old Commodore VC;
Rusted and broken, it rolls down our driveway.
On to the endless black plains it calls home. Great detail in this, and the first stanza!

The engine splutters a dark, deathly slime;Love this! You really make me 'see' this, through your vivid descriptions.
Poison running though the crocked old pipes.
The window half-jacked open.

You arm hangs out, care-free and strong.
Eyes like the deepest sky bearing into mine This is a tad cliche, but oh well. "Boring" would be 'Bearing".
A smile, a look, a kiss, a touch.

A girl can dream can dream, can't she? You have two 'can dream'. Nix one.
Sordid tales of love untouched,
Hidden within the chasms of my mind.

As your smile fades away into the distance - (Or (,)
As my heart segues into the asphalt - (Again, could use a comma.
You roll up the window and drive away.Oh, wow! Great ending!! I love this!

K, so awesome poem! You have amazing descriptions and imagery, and I love the way you made something relatively simple into a complex story. VERY cute story, very cute poem. Love it!

I think that the poem is excellent. You managed to turn something like a simple car-ride into something that is interesting and fun to read about. I liked your word usage, it was very helpful in making me understand what I was reading. I could visualize the things you were talking about. I really liked the-

"You arm hangs out, care-free and strong
Eyes like the deepest sky boring into mine
A smile, a look, a kiss, a touch"

-stanza, because I can really visualize a guy, exactly like that.

Well done.
RA

Hi-ya!!!! I love a poem that paints a picture that's worth so much more.

My favorite stanza:

The engine splutters a dark deathly slime #FF0000 ">Great Imagery!!
Poison running though the crocked old pipes #FF0000 ">I really like this!
The window half jacked open

#BF0000 "> I can relate!! Love to have the wind in my hair!

You say you wrote it not intending to be structured, but it's actually laid out very nicely, reads smooth!
Over all, Brilliant work!

Beautiful! You really seem to have a talent for writing. The flow is excellent, and I love poems that can activate your senses this way!