Fly free

Fly free chapter 1.
Jake was running down beside the river.his yellow raincoat let him keep dry,although he didnt mind being wet.
He had lived on Heartburne estate until his parents death so many years ago.
He smiled and thought of a poem his mother used to say.
Your love is like a cage,
it traps and holds me in
no room to stretch my wings,
I cannot fly free.
Help me escape,
help me to fly,
I can stretch my wings and say 'Goodbye'

CA-PI-TA-LI-ZA-TION!!

Grar!

I noted that the capitalization in this piece was rather patchy. Patchy grammar actually deters me and a lot of other readers, which is why it's so important.

Fly free chapter 1.
Jake was running down beside the river.his yellow raincoat let him keep dry,although he didnt mind being wet.
He had lived on Heartburne estate until his parents death so many years ago.
He smiled and thought of a poem his mother used to say.
Your love is like a cage,
it traps and holds me in
no room to stretch my wings,
I cannot fly free.
Help me escape,
help me to fly,
I can stretch my wings and say 'Goodbye'

Should be:

Fly Free, Chapter One.
Jake was running down beside the river. His yellow raincoat let him keep dry, although he didn't mind being wet. He had lived on Heartburn Estate until his parents' death so many years ago.
He smiled and thought of a poem his mother used to say.
Your love is like a cage,
It traps and holds me in,
No room to stretch my wings,
I cannot fly free.
Help me to escape,
Help me to fly,
I can stretch my wings and say, "Goodbye."

Nice writing, though. Other than grammar and a little spelling, it was a good piece. Keep trying!

Hi PoetryQueen! From your name I gather that you write poetry more than prose. XD It is great that you are expanding your writing interests. Every writer needs to play around to find out what they are best at.

This first chapter is pretty good, but like any piece of writing it can be improved. PointSmile talked to you about your grammar. She is right. If you have better grammar people will be able to focus on the story and not be distracted or confused about problems. If you have better grammar your piece also looks more polished which will get you more reviewers. If you read over your piece before putting it up people will noticed and they will come to the conclusion that you care about your work a lot and you want to improve.

Alright, so now that I am done rambling about that I will get down to my review. One of the biggest problems I noticed in this was your sentences beginnings. You say 'he' to start your sentences a lot. This gets a bit tiring to read after a while. If you use the same sentence structure the writing seems just to drone on while different sentence lengths and structure keeps people on their toes! For example you have:

Jake was running down beside the river. His yellow raincoat let him keep dry, although he didn't mind being wet.
He had lived on Heartburne estate until his parents death so many years ago.
He smiled and thought of a poem his mother used to say.

You could have it:

Jake was running down beside the river. Although he didn't mind being wet he had his yellow raincoat on to keep him nice and dry.
He had lived on Heartburne estate until his parents death so many years ago.
Remembering a poem his mother used to say Jake smiled.

Do you see what I mean?


The second thing I noticed was that you are all over the place. First you are talking about him running beside a river. Then you jump to how he lived on Heartburne estate. Then he is thinking about his mom and a poem. This leaves me with a bunch of questions. Why is he running, where is Hearburne estate? Why did his parents die? How old was Jake when this happened? Why is the poem important to Jake? I have so many more bouncing around my head! Slow down and give us description. Explain things to us. If you expanded on this and made the first chapter longer this piece would really be improved.

The last thing I want to touch on is your transitions. Or I suppose I could say your lack there of. This also has to do with you jumping all over the place. In this piece one thing does not logically lead to the other. You can't expect us to know why running beside this river has to do with Jake living on Heartburne estate his whole life. You have to explain that to us.

Right now I really can't give you a good overall because this piece is so short. But I hope that I helped you at least a little bit.

P.M. me if you have any questions,

Calli <3