I did a lot of editing, turned it into prose, and gave it to my dad. I don't see the point in keeping it up anymore, though. Thanks for all the reviews!
Last edited by Piper on Sun Jun 26, 2011 8:19 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Cats are like characters. You may say they're yours, but in reality, they own you. ~Me
You can take away all the arts you want, but soon, the children won't have anything to read or write about. ~Glen Holland
I liked the emotion behind it, I liked the idea, I know your dad probably loved it, but it could use a lot of work. The rhymes in it are very forced. For example:
If Juli lets you, maybe he could be A boy named Sue
The rhyme seems very desperate, like you couldn't find a rhyme, and you used someone elses idea, so that was a down point.
Sometimes, the rhymes flow smoothly, sometimes they don't, and sometimes it doesn't rhyme at all. If you're going to right a poem, try to keep it a bit more consistant. If it's going to rhyme, let it rhyme, if it's not, don't rhyme it.
Again, I know this poem was probably more sentimental than grammatically stressed. This is just critisism for future writing. Keep it up though kid, your aim is true.
I really enjoed the theme and the actual emotion as well, but god the rhyming truly is terrible here. Please don't do rhyming poetry if you can't pull it off, as it spoils what is a VERY solid piece! Try prose, a mose simplistic, less structured form that will allow you to bring your piece to life without this confining structure. So overall, I didn't quite enjoy this as I should have, but I could, you have the potential here, and that is the important thing!
Well, this is a nice emotional piece, but it's not something most people are going to enjoy reading. (No, I'm not talking about the rhyming and structure.) As you said in your spoiler, you wrote this for your DAD, so only he, the rest of your family, and perhaps a few close friends, will understand this. It's not the best thing to write for other reader's to enjoy, which is OK, but I'm just stating the facts.
When you write, you often write in categories: 1) For yourself 2) For someone else (in this case, your father) or 3) For your audience. Anyway, enough about that. This portrays the love you have for your dad very well, and that makes it a good poem in my eyes...for your dad. So, work on the rhymes and rhythm, and you'll have a sweet poem for your pops.
Have I not commanded thee? Be strong and of good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed, for the lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. — Mark Twain
