Open Roads

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Prolouge
I sat down on a stool in the HogsHead Inn bar. It was a late friday night, perhaps nearing ten o'clock. The bar was mainly empty, with the exception of the usual group of college aged students in the corner of the room. Although the bar was fairly empty, it wasn't quiet. The students were acting like immauture teenagers, and were very loud and disorderly.

The bar wasn't exactly in the best condition. Yet I thought that was a huge understatement. The only two windows on the east and west walls, were broken and rotting. Thus making the bar cold and damp. The bar itself was quite large and painted jet black. Well, it had been painted black at one point. The paint was peeling to reveal an ugly cream colored wall paper. Most of the furniture looked as if it had been made out of scrap wood, and thrown together, and called a stool or a table.The stairs leading up to the inn rooms were worn and battered. The main door to the bar was nearly off his hinges and had many dents and scatches, from obvious bar fights. The place was sad, infact all of the coast towns were worn, due to the war.

"Can I get you the usual?", asked Fred. I replied, "Make it a double, I'm expecting my brother and his girlfriend." Fred looked puzzled, so I answered te question I thought he was on his mind, "Kasey, she doesn't drink." The old bartender just laughed. It was now my turn to look puzzled. In return, he answered the question on my mind, "I was actually going to ask, why you were expecting company?" I casually took a sip of the red cherry drink. Naturally it tasted bad, but tonight it was down right awful. My face shrivled up and, I nearly choked. I blamed the horrible tasting drink on my mood. It would have been unfair to blame Fred, even though he does make them. I responded quickly, so as to avoid one of Fred's wild mood swings, "Ah, it's Bo's birthday, and he thought he might drop by for a drink." Fred, leaning quite relaxed in his old rocker, just nodded his head. I went back to staring at my drink, pondering if I should take another sip. I lifted the mug to my lips, and was about to tip the mug, when Fred spoke. It gave me an excuse to put my mug down, and listen. After all, I didn't want to be rude. "Oh, excuse my manners, I never asked how old he will be", Fred began. I paused to think about how old he would be turning, then replied, "Twenty." Fred looked amazed, then he spoke, "Wow! Fourty-Three years younger than me!" I didn't reply. I just blinked and tried really hard to supress my laughter. I muttered, "Haha, only seven years younger than me, old man." "What?!?", Fred exclaimed. "Great ale!", I said. I instantly hung my head. I could imagine Fred's dark blue eyes glaring down at me, and his face all shriviled up in digust. I just kept my eyes focused on the ale, I heard Fred get up from his rocker and stomp away, like a four year old having a tempertantrum.

I decided to get up, and stretch. My long arms extended, almost reaching to a small chandler suspended from the bar's low ceeling. I straightened, then gave out a long dramatic yawn. I bent my head to look at my timepiece. The time read, twenty after. I muttered to myself , "Twenty minutes late, as usual." I closed the time piece and stared blankly at it's gold cover. I re-pocketed the time piece, and let loose a sigh of worriement. I didn't know if Bo would show up. Yet as soon as these desperate thoughts entered into my head, someone came into the bar. I could tell by the loud screeching noise the door made, whenever it was used. They steped closer into the light, and I knew it was Bo.

Bo and Kasey entered the room casually, and Bo bumped his head on the door's frame. Standing at six feet, six inches was quite tall. Bo, was one of the people of this age to actually reach that height. I wasn't to far behind him, standing at six feet, four inches. After Bo made his dainty entrance, I laughed loudly. Bo adjusted his gaze to meet mine, and I tried to look him in the eyes, but failed. He kept his long black hair swept infront of his eyes, sweeping towards the left side of his face. All of his forehead, and eyes were covered. I was amazed that he could see anything. Maybe that is why he bumbed his head. My thoughts were yet again interupted as one of the college aged students shouted, "Get a haircut!" Bo's gaze instantally was torn off of mine and connected with the students gaze. I assumed he was glarring, though I couldn't see. I let Bo, stand there and stare down the other guy, becuase I couldn't care less what happened to the other guy.

Kasey walked over to me and sat down. I gave her a proper Coast Town Greeting. She was very attractive. Long blonde hair stretched out over her eyes, and down to her sholders. She had sky blue eyes that were as calm as a cloudless summer day. Soft, red lips concealed a set of perfect pearly whites. She was short and thin. According to Bo, she was also very smart. She and Bo, were both enrolled at the Brightwood Academy for special teens(+). I graduated from there, seven years ago. I am now a level seven, class three Shade. Bo, by graduation will be within two classes of my power. He was not gifted at anything, previously, until now. He was the Top of his graduating class, and made me very, very proud. Kasey apparently was ranked number nine of three hundred. By graduation she would be entering the first stages of becoming a Shade, at a mere level of one, class five. That was still no small accomplishment.

After warmly greeting Kasey, my gaze returned to Bo. He was still looking at the other guy. I wistled to get his attention, I then further embarresed him by hollering, "Hey birthday boy, come get your drink!" He turned his gaze to mine again, and reluctantly walked over to us, glancing over his sholder once or twice.
"I'm really getting tired of the annoying regulars", Bo exclaimed. "I am too", Fred exclaimed. I had wondered when Fred came back. He came in so quietly. I assumed he was done raging, but he still had a bit of edge on his voice. To try and ease the tension, Kasey spoke, "So, my little Bo is turning twenty today." Bo's cheecks turned beet red, but he managed a smile. "Drinks on me tonight!, Courtisy of the HHIB, and my self." Fred said. Turning to me, Bo looked slightly uspet, but he managed to speak clearly, "So, Nate, how have you been?" I made a sad pathetic noise, then looked up. Bo looked furious. I had been realy bad about keeping in contact with Bo, and he knew something was up.

I looked down at my drink again, then took another swig. Bo, still waiting for a reply, wrapped his knuckles against the bar counder, impatiently. So I replied, "Come, lets go upstairs, we have lots to talk about."
-JJ-
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Hello, I'm here to review!

Anyway, it's pretty good, but there are a few things I'd like to point out, to help make it the best possible story it could be!

Okay, first things first. I noticed right away that when a new character speaks, you keep it all in one paragraph. Really, when a new character speaks, you should start a new paragraph, so that it's easier to read because it creates white space and spaces the words out, and the reader knows who is speaking and doesn't become confused/ For example:

"Can I get you the usual?", asked Fred.

I replied, "Make it a double, I'm expecting my brother and his girlfriend." Fred looked puzzled, so I answered the question I thought he was on his mind, "Kasey, she doesn't drink."


See what I mean?

Okay, another little thing here:
Standing at six feet, six inches was quite tall

I'm thinking it might make more sense if it were:
Standing at six feet, six inches, Bo was quite tall


Hmm, that's all I can think of at the moment, and I hope this helped!




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Hi JackpotJohnson,

As the previous reviewer have mentioned starting on a new line everytime someone new speaks, I won't go say anymore about that, except that you pay attention to her review and fix it up a bit.

Another thing, I have to say is, well, usually with prologues and beginnings of stories, there have to be some sort of hook, something interesting to make the reader want to read more. So, starting the story at a typical garden with the sun shinning probably wouldn't get much attention from the reader, but starting the story off with a problem, say, a car accident or something would be interesting and the reader is more likely to read on. With your story, I can see some interesting things, like here:
I am now a level seven, class three Shade.

That part made me wonder about whether this is had anything to do with sorcery or magic or anything of that sorts. But that's tiny compared to the story. It's one line in an eight paragraphed story. I think you need more of those. And there's another hook here:
"Come, lets go upstairs, we have lots to talk about."

Except that one didn't really work for me, because, for one, I don't know what they're going to talk about, I don't know wheter it's going to be interesting or not. But that's quite a good hook as it leaves the reader wondering what will happen next, it does need a sufficient build up of mystery though.

So, I'd suggest fixing this problem up, by either:
-Presenting a problem. And while we're at problems, not any mundane problem either, but a pretty major one.
-Add more mystery to the story. At the moment, you're telling us quite a bit, I think that if you witheld some information, the story could be more mysterious, therefore, hooking the reader in. You could also add more mystery by adding things about the world it's set in, I might be wrong here, but from what I've read this doesn't look like it's set in this world (since you talked about class levels, shades and all that) but rather another world. You could tell us what's pretty obvious in that world but not to the reader, like I mentioned earlier on.

So, overall, pretty good start, but a more powerful hook wouldn't hurt. Keep writing! :)



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— Charlie Kaufman