Dark Past: Part 1

Okay sooo if you think there's anything wrong with this, PLEASE tell me. Like, if you think the whole flashback doesn't work or anything. Be nice too please thanks



Sharp, teeth that were already dripping with my blood closed in on my arm and the pain made me want to scream bloddy murder. The teeth moved their way up to rip my head from my body. I had two seconds to await my death and…
A blood curling scream escaped my lips as I jolted up in bed.
My mom ran into my room yelling, “Gwen! Gwen, what’s wrong?!”
I started to cry and she came over and held me tight. Her reassuring words soothed me enough that I was able to calm down.
“It’s okay, Gwen. It was only a dream,” she said as she stroked my blonde hair.
“it seemed so real,” I whispered. I hugged her and wiped tears from my cheeks.
My older brother, Max, busted in then and asked sleepily, “What’s going on? Gwen, are you okay?”
“Thanks for coming to the rescue,” I snapped.
“Well, sorry. I’ll be Mr. Hero next time. I had practice til eight last night and I didn’t get to bed ‘til like two hours ago. You should be happy that I even came at all,” he snapped back, defending himself.
I rolled my eyes and muttered, “Whatever.”
“That’s enough. Both of you,” Mom said.
“Where’s dad?” Max asked.
“Still at the hospital,” Mom sighed. “He had to do an emergency surgery.”
I frowned. Like a little girl, I wanted my daddy to come and chase the monsters away.
Suddenly, a scream came from Gabby’s room and we all ran to her. She looked as scared as I had.
She had probably gotten the end of my dream. That was the weird thing that happened to us since we were twins. We shared dreams; usually bad ones.
I hugged her tightly and whispered, “I’m sorry, Gabby. I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay, Gwen. I’ve gotten used to it,” she said as she hugeed me back. By her grip, I knew it wasn’t okay.
“Okay girls, and Max, it’s one in the morning. Try to go back to sleep. Call me if you need anything,” Mom said as she kissed us all on the forehead.
I walked back to my room and got comfortable in bed again.
Go back to sleep, Gwen. I thought. You have school tomorrow...I mean, later...Just close your eyes and fall asleep...

Two Years Ago
“Oh come on! I’ll give you this,” I started, running a hand over my body. “And you give me the stuff.”
I’d been on the drug for a year now. I started last year, when I was thirteen and my sixteen year old boyfriend had introduced me to it.
This, though, was the first time I offered my body as payment. I was out of money and I wasn’t going to steal any more from my parents; they would’ve noticed.
At least I had a good body, according to my ex.
“Well,” said the seventeen year old drug dealer. “I guess you could pay me that way. I haven’t had a good f**k in months, so…sure kid.”
I smiled triumphantly and kissed him, starting to pay for the beloved drug that was taking over my life.

Well, first off, the ending was so surprising. I was shocked.

“Well,” said the seventeen year old drug dealer. “I guess you could pay me that way. I haven’t had a good f**k in months, so…sure kid.”

Oh, my goodness. I did not expect that at all. Maybe instead of blocking out the word you could use another way to say it.

Sharp, blood red teeth closed in on my arm and moved their way up to rip my head from my body. I had two seconds to await my death and…

I really didn't understand this line. I thought at first, it was a vampire or something. Maybe add more details.

That was a good story.

Okay, so for me, I'm not into the whole drug and body usage thing. I find it offensive. But I'm not saying that to judge your work, just to let you know it almost kept me from reviewing it. But it's good that you rated it 16+. I didn't notice that until just now, so I'll stop going on. Okay, so...

Sharp, blood red teeth

Nothing big, but for this I wasn't sure if the teeth were the color blood red, if they were stained red with blood, or if they were dripping with red blood. It's not that important, just something that caught my attention.

I hugged her and whipped tears from my cheeks.

I think you mean 'wiped', not 'whipped'.

“It’s okay, Gwen. I’ve gotten used to it,” she said as she hugeed me back. By her grip, I knew it wasn’t okay.

Here I liked that her grip explained how she was really feeling, and that you let us know that.

Go back to sleep, Gwen. I thought. You have school tomorrow…I mean, later. Just close your eyes and fall asleep…

Since these are her thoughts here, maybe put them in Italics or something to define it from the rest of the story.

Also, the usage of swear words, even sensored threw me off a little, but that's just me.

Overall it's a good start, it kept me interested, but not sure where it's all going. Keep woking on it!

<..> Kat

Thank you both for the input. I'll definately put it to good use

If you can take constructive criticizim, open the spoiler:

Spoiler

Where was the Drug part going? I didn't understand that bit.

I think that if you perfected some spelling mistakes, and proof read your work, it would be OK.

Sharp, teeth that were already dripping with my blood closed in on my arm and the pain made me want to scream bloddy murder. The teeth moved their way up to rip my head from my body. I had two seconds to await my death and…

This beginning line is pretty good in my opinion, but that comma after sharp doesn't belong.
The beginning of your story seemed good too, and the stuff like

I frowned. Like a little girl, I wanted my daddy to come and chase the monsters away

was neat.

However the bottom where it says

Two Years Ago

should be centered and otherwise set off from the rest of the text. I also agree with muse, you could have the drug dealer say something like "I haven't had a nice time in a while", don't use the asteriks, find a different word.

I can see where the drug part might be going(does it cause the nightmares) if it doesn't put that two years ago part somewhere where it could be more relevant to the chapter or put it as a short introduction.

I like your story.