Balloons

Spoiler

I was inspired. Sorry if it isn't good.

"So, Josh, how was your day?" Maria said to the boy on the other line
"It was whatever. I saw you walking with your boyfriend in the park." Josh mumbled
"Oh my goodness! Why didn't you come over and say hi?" She chattered excitedly
"Because I hate your boyfriend. You know he's cheating on you, right? With, like, five other girls." Josh's voice was a soft hum in Maria's ear
"No, he isn't!"
"Yes he is. You are just too stupid to see it."
"Wow, what a friend you are." Maria cried and then hung up.
She couldn't believe he could say that. He was supposed to be her best friend. They've known each other since first grade. Josh had dirty blonde hair that always managed to hang in front of his eyes, despite his efforts to change that. He had sparkly emerald green eyes with a ring of spring green around his pupil that went outward like the sun's rays. Maria, on the other hand, was plain. Or so she thought. She had straight dark brown hair, no shine or anything to it. She had dull blue eyes. She had a narrow nose, and high cheekbones that defined her face. Maria's boyfriend's name is Tommy. He has rust red hair and brown eyes, a combination you rarely ever saw. He and Josh both had a light fan of freckles across the bridge of their noses. Tommy had them everywhere else, too.
Josh couldn't believe what just happened. He hadn't meant to say those things. Now, with the fair tomorrow, she wouldn't go with him. They went every year. She had no idea what it meant to him. Maria would now rather go with Tommy. Josh felt like the worst person in the world. He pluged his phone into the charger and walked tiredly over to his messy bed. He sat down and did nothing but think. Suddenly, he picked up a pillow and threw it to his door. It hit with a loud thud then slid to the floor. He laid down and closed his eyes. Tomorrow, he would be alone.
****
Maria woke up with a smile upon her face. Today is the fair. She got up and ran to her closet. Since it was late October, she decided to dress cool but with a jacket. She wore her dark skinny jeans, red converse, and a graphic tee with a scarf. She grabbed her black zip-up and ran out the door. Tommy was waiting in his truck. She hopped in and he floored it.
"Tommy! Slow down!" Maria cried
"What? Don't like the thrill?"
"No. I don't."
"Fine. Before the fair though, we are going to walk around in the park like a nice couple." Tommy said as he pulled into the parking lot of the park. He threw his arm viciously around her, making her flench inside. Maria didn’t understand what had gotten into him. They walked around for what seemed like a lifetime. Tommy talked on and on about who-knows-what while Maria thought, giving the occasional laugh and nod.
****


Josh was finishing setting up the fair with everyone else whenever Maria and Tommy showed up. They were the last ones to arrive. Maria looked beautiful but she had a frown etched on her face. She laughed at something Tommy said but it didn’t seem real. He wasn’t even paying attention to her. He was eyeing another girl about ten feet away with brown hair and blush colored lips. He winked at her and she giggled. Maria looked up at him and he gave her a smile. Josh didn’t trust Tommy at all.

****

Maria was holding the balloons Tommy had handed her as she talked to a close friend for a second. After the conversation ended, Maria turned around and discovered Tommy was gone. She looked all over for him. At all the rides and food stands, even by the trees lining three of the four sides of the fair. It was almost closing time, she had to find him. Maria was beginning to loose hope, and when she glanced over briefly, she saw Tommy. A gigantic smile came across her face. She took a few steps toward him, but stopped dead when she saw a girl with brown hair and blush colored lips stop next to him. Tommy put his arm around the strange woman and kissed her.

The girl and Tommy made their way to his truck under the faint light of the moon. Maria was officially heart broken. She didn’t have a way home so she headed to the park. When she arrived there, balloons in hand, she sat on a bench and sighed. Josh had been right all along. Maria sat there and started to cry. She had trusted him and he had let her down. The light from headlights swept across the ground before her. When they finally stilled and the car shut off, she heard the faint sound of a car door closing.
“I figured you’d be here.” A familiar voice said
Maria looked up and saw Josh walking towards her. She stood up and he wiped her tears away.
“Okay. You can say ‘I told you so’ now.”
“No. Though, I do have something to say to you.”
Maria looked up expectantly. Josh could see her dead, shattered heart through her magnificent blue eyes.
“I am sorry I was so rude over the phone last night. You know how you always say you are dull and boring? I think you are beautiful and fun. I only said those things because I was jealous. I was jealous that some guy could just walk in and have you, have my world, in just a matter of seconds and think that he could just eyeball every other girl. I saw what happened,” his voice cracked as it started to rain heavily, “I saw what it did to you. I wanted to go punch him as hard as I could because I knew he hurt you. I didn’t want that to happen. I also knew from the start that you should’ve been mine.”
“Josh, you are stupid.”
“What? Oh. I’m… I’m sorry.”
Maria kissed him and their worlds ignited. He pulled away and his face held the disbelief that he felt.
“I have loved you all along.”
Then, with the rain pounding, Josh held her in his arms. Deciding that he would never, ever let go.

Well, I would like to say, that was a good, teenage love story.

She couldn't believe how he could say that. He was supposed to be her best friend. They've known eachother since forst grade.

It is each other since first grade. Some grammer errors in this story.
I think you could have started the story off a little better.

. He and Josh both had a light fan of freckles across the bridge of their noses, Tommy had them everywhere else, too.
Josh couldn't believe what just happened. He hadn't meant to say those things. Now, with the fair tomorrow, she wouldn't go with him. They went every year. She had no idea what it meant to him. Maria would now rather go with Tommy. Josh felt like the worst person in the world. He pluged his phone into the charger and walked tiredly over to his messy bed. He sat down and did nothing but think. Suddenly, he picked up a pillow and threw it to his door. It hit with a loud thud then slid to the floor. He laid down and closed his eyes. Tomorrow, he would be alone.

Make sure to let the readers know that you changed from Maria to Josh. I felt, suddenly the reader is reading about Josh.

"Because I hate your boyfriend. You know he's cheating on you, right? With, like, five other girls." Josh's voice was a soft hum in Maria's ear

I feel I don't believe this sentence. 5 girls and Maria doesn't even know? On some line you are missing periods.
But I like the ending. Keep writing.

Hi!

This is a sweet, simple story that you've written. If anything, I think it's a bit too simple. The complication wasn't all that big and the characters ended up getting their happily ever afters. Personally, I like complications to be complex and a bit harder to solve than that. Maybe you can make it that Maria is still angry with Josh because of the phone call and takes a little more convincing from Josh for Maria to see that he really loves her. Or maybe Maria could still have feeling for Tommy because he was handsome/charming/etc. If you make the complication a bit harder to solve then it would make the story more interesting and keep the reader on their toes. With your story, I felt as if it was all resolved to quickly. Not only that, it was kind of predictable that they would end up together, so, I think that making the complication harder to solve would make the story more interesting and not so predictable.

Also, I noticed a few POV switches, generally, I'm not a big fan of POV switches in short stories, since they all tend to be short and rather confusing. With your story I think that you did the POV switches rather well, if not a tad short, but, that's not too big of a problem.

I also liked how the story is so real, everything that the character did in there was plausible so was their dialogues. So good job on that. My only suggestion is probably to extend the plot a little bit, make it harder for the main characters to get their happily ever after. That's all.

I love this. Didn't see any errors. Good story. We didn't get much information for the relationship between Josh and the girl but we didn't need any, the information we got was that good that we didn't need more. So, Balloons, Good title but I'd wanna mention them a bit more in the story if I gave it a title like that. Nice job!

Hey Allia!

YES. Girl loses scummy boy and gets much better boy who isn't afraid to be honest and romantic with her. I love it! But then again, I always had a soft spot for romance.

Anyway! I noticed a lot of grammatical errors, so I figured I would point a couple out for you, since they are relatively easy to fix!

"So, Josh, how was your day?" Maria said to the boy on the other line

You need to put a period at the end! Also, there were a couple other lines (especially single lines with dialogue) that didn't have periods at the end, so make sure that everything looks nice and clean!

"It was whatever. I saw you walking with your boyfriend in the park." Josh mumbled

First of all, period at the end! Next of all, your dialogue grammar is a bit off. The final dialogue sentence shouldn't end with a period. It should look like this:

"It was whatever. I saw you walking with your boyfriend in the park," Josh mumbled.

This is mostly because Josh doesn't mumble independently... he mumbles the dialogue! So, the dialogue can't finish with a full stop because the idea isn't completed yet.

Here's a link that reviews dialogue grammar: http://fictionwriting.about.com/od/writ ... uation.htm

"Oh my goodness! Why didn't you come over and say hi?" She chattered excitedly

Missed the period again! Also, the word "she" should not be capitalized! It should look like this:

"Oh my goodness! Why didn't you come over and say hi?" she chattered excitedly.

Again, go here for reference: http://fictionwriting.about.com/od/writ ... uation.htm

"Because I hate your boyfriend. You know he's cheating on you, right? With, like, five other girls." Josh's voice was a soft hum in Maria's ear

In this case, it's okay to stop the dialogue with a period because Josh's voice being a soft hum in her ear is an independent statement.

Now, for more general comments... I would have really liked to get more in Maria's head. Did she expect what Josh was going to do? Did she expect Tommy's infidelity... even a little bit? Maybe I am just paranoid or whatever, but when I hear these sorts of rumors, I get a little concerned, even if I believe they are totally unfounded. I won't dump the guy or anything, but I will be a bit more suspicious.

In any case, yay! You should write more romantic fiction.

Hi,

Thanks for the reviews! My english teachers always got mad at me for doing the period at the end of a line with dialogue. They sid just let it flow through, don't cut it off.

Hello there.

Sorry if it took me a while to get to this... It's been a crazy week. I'll go on with the review though.

"It was whatever. I saw you walking with your boyfriend in the park comma," Josh mumbled

I'm not sure if I already mentioned this, but it's supposed to be a comma, not a period. You have other mistakes like that, but I won't correct them, since it'll help you if you can spot them and correct them yourself. Just check if the sentence after the dialogue gives details about the dialogue itself, or details about the plot/characters/expressions... If it's about the dialogue, it's a comma. Like the example above, it gives us details about the dialogue since we now know it was mumbled.

Josh had dirty blonde hair that always managed to hang in front of his eyes, despite his efforts to change that. He had sparkly emerald green eyes with a ring of spring green around his pupil that went outward like the sun's rays. Maria, on the other hand, was plain. Or so she thought. She had straight dark brown hair, no shine or anything to it. She had dull blue eyes. Maria's boyfriend's name is Tommy. He has rust red hair and brown eyes, a combination you rarely ever saw. He and Josh both had a light fan of freckles across the bridge of their noses, Tommy had them everywhere else, too.

It seems like you've put the story on pause to give us the character's description, and I don't think that's really useful. I like it when the descriptions are scattered throughout the story, in context, so it doesn't feel as much as a 'pause', then just seeing it through the MC's eyes. For example, if you wanted to describe Maria, you could talk about her brown straight bangs in her eyes, the reflection of her dull blue eyes in the mirror or something... Think about what the MC, or you would be thinking. I don't think she would be thinking all of their description in one shot randomly, would she?

Today was the fair.

Make sure it's always the same verb tense. Don't worry though, I always do that mistake..

She hopped in and he floored it.

Josh was finishing setting up the fair with everyone else when Maria and Tommy showed up.

The ending is really sweet. I liked the story.
I found the story was a little bit fast going, but I guess it's only a short story, so you have too...

Keep writing!

-Other One