Virtuoso

Calvin Evergreen entered the deli, a daily tradition he seldom broke, in the morning for a cup of hot Frappachino coffee with a side dish of blueberry bagels. The owner, Aadi, used to think it was a strange combination when Calvin first came into the deli. Aadi knew everything about him now. He knew how much Calvin loved his family and his job at an international law firm. He even prepared a seat for Calvin in the middle of the room. “When will you find that perfect woman and get married and have lots of babies?” In her Indian dialect, Aadi's wife, Raji, would often ask him the same question. His replies would be, “Maybe when your daughter visits you from India.” or “I’m married to my job as a linguist.” They would just smile and continue fixing the meals for their other customers. Calvin was eating his breakfast while listening to the colorful music of Bollywood.
He was thinking about his time in New Delhi when his cell phone hymned the lyrics to Ringa Ringa. It was a text message from his mother, Evelyn. With the message was a video. He watched as his ex-fiancée came across the screen dancing ballet. Her dance routine was perfect just like her. The video started with her left arm up over her head and her right arm down below her waist. Then she swung her arms around her as if someone was behind. One leg pointed up so high and straight, she would've reached the ceiling if it was possible. Stephanie seemed to be floating on air, something she had improve drasticlly. She bend down, as if to touch something on the ground, while her leg pointed out behind her. His heart beat increased. Calvin choked with laughter, a habit he inherited when he was under stress. He kept thinking why in the world mother sent him this video. Was it to punish Calvin for losing the most beautiful and perfect woman that ever stepped foot in his life? Or maybe she sent it to him to tell him there was still a chance with Stephanie. “Hey, buddy, what’s wrong?” Aadi asked from behind the counter. “Do not worry, my friend. You will find someone better, like my daughter or Maria, your coworker. My daughter, Chiti, will be in town tomorrow. She knows little about this city and you know a lot about it. You grew up here….” Calvin zoned out Aadi. Aadi and Raji the matchmaker couple, he had once called them. They were always nosing into other people’s businesses.

Calvin kept thinking about Stephanie. She was dancing to Mozart. She dumped him while he was in Thailand for a company he worked for. She sent a letter explaining her reason. Stephanie met someone else. She even wrote, “It’s not you, it’s me." She was dating her fellow ballet dancer named Aleksandr. Calvin called him and cursed him out in Russian. Now he was working for a ballet company in Italy and Stephanie was the lead ballerina in Swan Lake. Calvin was a little surprised how far she got after their breakup. Without paying attention, he bit into his bagel and spit it out onto the plate. It had gotten cold. So has his coffee. Calvin shut off his phone. “I need to get over her.” He whispered to himself. For a moment, he laid back in the chair, thinking about Stephanie. “Hey, Aadi, Chiti is single, right?” Calvin asked in Hindi, still covering his face. “Yes, my friend,”
Suddenly, the streets became crowded as Calvin exited the deli with Chiti’s, Aadi’s daughter, number. He checked the time on his cell phone; it was 10:00 am. He was heading over to his office when he spotted a poster with Stephanie’s picture on it. It advertised the Swan Lake performance with the talented Stephanie Crowe as the lead. An idea materialized. Calvin picked up his phone. It rang a dozen times before a soft voice greeted him.“Hi, Chiti, remember me, Calvin Evergreen?” For a moment, there was silence, then she exclaimed. For a while, they chatted about their work and family life. “Hey, um, listen, I was wondering since you will be here, in America, if you would like to see a performance?” He invited her in Hindi. With you? Yes, I will go.” Calvin and Chiti said their goodbyes and hung up the phone. Calvin jumped up and down with joy. He even started screaming. ‘Take that Stephanie.’ Now, he needed to go shopping for a new suit and start shaving his facial hair.

Spoiler

My Sentence was a linguist at a deli watching ballet.

She even wrote, “It’s not you, it’s me,” line.

wrote the...line, maybe?

Otherwise, good job! This story was emotional and interesting.

First of all, your beginning sentence could use some work. It doesn't really intrigue the reader and make them want to read more. Your beginning sentence should capture the readers interest so they want to keep reading.

with a side dish of freshly cooked blueberry bagels with a strawberry topping.

I would change it to 'bagels and a strawberry topping.' so that it is not as repetitive.

'A strange combination.' the owner, Aadi, used to think...

This just seems a little weird to me. Maybe you could have the thought some other way, like;

'The owner, Aadi used to think it was a strange combination when Calvin...'


Another thing, whenever someone new starts speaking, you start a new paragraph. So this;

Or maybe she sent it to tell him there was still a chance with Stephanie. "Hey, buddy, what's wrong?" Aadi asked from behind the counter.

Would be...

'Or maybe she sent it to him to tell him there was still a chance with Stephanie.

"Hey. buddy, what's wrong?" Aadi asked from behind the counter.'

All Calvin, now, wanted was Stephanie.

This seems a bit force to me. Maybe it would flow better if you changed it to something like...

'Now all Calvin wanted was Stephanie.' or
'All Calvin wanted now was Stephanie.'


Also, you say he watched with utter sadness and disappointment, but you don't show us that he did, you don't let the reader feel that. I think you need to work on letting the reader feel more. Also, it could do with some more description as well.

Overall this has a lot of potential, you just need to work on it.

Keep writing!
~Tayla

Sorry about the short and unfinished review, I kinda ran out of time, sorry.

You one and only mentor here for a review! So I read this since it is something you plan on using for a contest and I hope I can help you with some improvements!

Calvin Evergreen entered the deli, a daily tradition he seldom breaks, in the morning for a cup of steamy, hot Frappachino coffee with a side dish of freshly cooked blueberry bagels and a strawberry topping.
This to me seems a bit dragged out to me. It doesnt really catch the readers attention. Also something I noticed you did right off the bat was changing tenses. First he entered but then you say breaks. It would be broke to continue the same tense. I also think you have a bit to many adjectives in this sentence, steamy hot frappachino freshly blueberry strawberry. That is a lot of adjectives for one sentence, I would tone it down a bit. I like how you introduced the character first and then worked on details, but I also think you need to go for some attention grabbing details.

The owner, Aadi used to think it was a strange combintation when Calvin first came into the deli. By now, Aadi knew everything about him including his love and family life
Combination is spelled wrong here, also the second line is worded weird. I don't think she could possibly know everything about him, also saying including his love and family life sounds weird. I would put something more on the lines of, "She knew almost everything about him now. He knew how much he loved his family and his (well you get the point)." Something giving more detail on what his life is like. Even if he doesn't have a wife or family find something that would fill us in on who he is. I mean we can tell he doesn't by the next line so why talk about love and family?

He even prepared a seat for Calvin in the middle of the room. "When will you find that perfect woman and get married and have lots of babies?"
When people are speaking you change paragraphs.

Aadi%u2019s wife, Raji, would ask Calvin, in her Indian dialect, every time he stepped through the deli doors. His replies would be, "Maybe when your daughter visits you from India." or "I%u2019m married to my job as a linguist." They would just smile and continue fixing the meals for their other customers

I would put something more like in her Indian accent aadi's wife would ask him the same question daily. Something to that extent at least.

This day, Saturday, Calvin was eating his breakfast while listening to the colorful music of Bollywood and thinking about his time in New Delhi when his cell phone went off. It was a text message from his mother.
This day, Saturday sounds really weird. I would put the day in more at the beginning of the story and just say today at the beginning of this line. I would also end the sentence at Bollywood. Then Start a new sentence saying He was thinking about his time in New Delhi when his cell phone started chanting the lyrics to (some Bollywood song). He opened the phone to find a message from his mother, (name). Then say something about the video.

He watched with utter sadness and disappointment as his ex-fiancée came across the screen dancing ballet. Her dance routine was perfect just like her. He looked up at the ceiling, stopping the tears from falling down his face. His heart beat increased. He kept thinking why in the world mother sent him this video. Was it to punish Calvin for losing the most beautiful and perfect woman that ever stepped foot in his life? Or maybe she sent it to him to tell him there was still a chance with Stephanie. "Hey, buddy, what’s wrong?" Aadi asked from behind the counter. "Do not worry, my friend. You will find someone better, like Chiti or Maria, your coworker. Chiti will be in town tomorrow. She knows little about this city and you know a lot about it. You grew up here…." Calvin zoned out Aadi. Aadi and Raji the matchmaker couple, he had once called them. They were always nosing into other people’s businesses.

The first line to me seems really cheesy. I would change something and put the tears in the first sentence and cut out the dramatic words. Show us how he is feeling. He kept trying to come up with a reason of why his mother would send him this would sound better. Again change paragraphs when people speak. Comma after friend not a period. I don’t really know how the Chiti bit comes into play. I don’t think you flowed into that very well.

Well anyway you get my point dear. I hope I’ve been of some help here, it was a very creative idea.