Please Come Back

Spoiler

Okay, this is something I wrote about two months ago. This is really the most depressing thing I have ever written. I'm not even sure what I was thinking when I wrote this. Comments please?

I miss you.
I long for the feel
of your arms
around me
holding me close,
keeping me safe.
They feel empty now.
Barren; desolate,
like a night sky
without stars.
I wish you were here
to comfort me.
Tears spill down my cheeks
as I sit alone,
covered in a heavy blanket
of sadness.
Half my heart
is gone.
You've taken it with you,
splitting it in two.
Come back, please.
Make the pain stop.
Don't leave me
by myself.
I can't handle it anymore.
Please.

Well, I'm not very experienced in poetry, so I don't think I can be much help feedback-wise, but I really liked your poem. I think it expresses what you were feeling very well, and you said you're not sure what you were thinking when you wrote it, but I think that the poem itself pretty much tells us what you were feeling. Missing someone desperately and longing for them, the overwhelming wave of emotion that makes the tears come just thinking about how far away the person is... Anyway... I enjoyed your piece!

This has a lot of feeling in it and a lot of it explained how someone feels when a loved one leave, which was very good. But i think you could add a little bit more description on how that person it feeling, word like; torn, abandoned, destroyed. But all in all a fair story.

Wow - the raw emotional intensity of your poem is fantastic. It swiftly and effectively brings me back to the moment my last ex-boyfriend left me--being able to not only convey your own emotion, but also evoke it in others is an essential part of being a good writer, and you succeeded. Also, your free verse is pretty good on a technical level. I assume that you have at least some experience writing more traditional metered verse?

As far as critiques go, I think that in revision you ought to focus more on the second half of the poem than the first half. The first half bursts off the page. The second half, while I still liked it, isn't quite on the same level (I think that this starts with the line "of sadness".) Some suggestions for improvement: add a metaphor or two, especially something creative that would continue to evoke emotion. (I particularly liked your "like a night sky without stars" metaphor earlier--try something along those lines, but obviously different enough to not repeat yourself.) In the second half, the tone also shifts. It becomes less measured and solemn and more desperate and panicky. On one level that's good--emotion often flows that way, but I feel like the poem's beauty is more easily demonstrated by the graceful agony of the first half. Maybe try extending that tone to the end.

Happy revising! No matter what you do or don't do with this, it's lovely.

Oh this is WONDERFUL!!!! Just like the review before mine, I can definitely relate to this wholeheartedly. But, it kind of made me wonder what the background to this was. Like, why did he/she go away? What do you think he/she was feeling? How are you going to move on, while you feel so empty?? I think it could be a tiny bit longer, just to add even MORE sad and depressed emotion to this!

There seems to be no hope in this, and actually, I really love it that way. But, I think what would be a great plan would be if you could write another poem just telling the reader exactly how you have gotten through those hard times. And, to just explain how there is STILL hope in life, even without someone very close.

Overall, this was an excellent piece, and I enjoyed the loneliness and solitude very much. But, I believe it needs a sequel.

Favorite Part:
When you talked about how the person stole half of your heart.

I thought you didn't write like I did... Apparently I was wrong. At least I can say from a very experienced standpoint that this was very good. I like the short lines, how they make it feel almost like a monologue to someone... I really like the free verse style (though if you could somehow break it up into stanzas, it would be amazing...)
To go off of CatSamuelson, I would have to agree with the making others emotions be evoked. The point of poetry is to make others think or feel... You can't necessarily control which thoughts or emotions those are, but just that someone can feel that they relate is (I think) one of the greatest abilities of the poet.
This poem tastes of longing, which is a good emotion to portray. Well writ, my friend.

THIS is really GOOD! I can definitely relate to the whole thing. Also it kind of made me wonder what the background to this was. You could of gone on a bit more like; What do you think he/she was feeling? How are you going to move on, while you feel so empty?? I think it could be a tiny bit longer, it would bring this poem into more sad and depressed emotion.

There seems to be no hope in this, and actually, I really love it that way.

Overall, this was an excellent piece, and I enjoyed the loneliness and solitude very much.
Keep up the great work, i will be happy to see your future poems

GOODLUCK!!
,writingaway