The new girl

Spoiler

This is a story I made up a while ago, it is sad but shows a valid lesson for all. It is not from personal experience but I got some of the ideas for the plot from a story my aunt made up and told me once.

The new girl

A diary entry by Jasmine Renolds 1987

The girl sits quietly in the corner still and almost lifeless. She was pale when she arrived here, but gradually she has turned grey and recently her skin is turning a palish yellow. Her eyes lack emotion and even when she is showing the signs of a tiny subtle smile it fades into the rest of her dark dull face and she looks sad again. Her mop of dark black hair used to be a shiny glossy display of beautiful dark locks, the kind that you would see in a commercial but now it is thin, greasy and lanky. Her clothes are always torn and ripped around the edges and they are always stained with mud and dirt.

We have all ignored her claiming she is boring, thick, pathetic and wimpy. I think we are just scared of her, she is like a living zombie and I think it frightens even the toughest of us. Not that any of them would ever admit it, they are a stuck up bunch of inexperienced, naive children who don't have a clue. I hate to say that I am one of them, but I am. I avoid her and treat her with disrespect because I don't know any other way to react. At least I can admit it, I see that as a strength but maybe it just means I am consciously bullying someone I don't even know.

I had planned to change all of that today, first thing in the morning I was going to talk to her. When I walked into the room I looked around. Where was she? I asked myself curiously. I searched around but I couldn't see her. This was strange because she was always here no matter what. I sat down and decided that fate didn't want me to talk to her. Even the holy father didn't want me to take any interest in the new girl and if destiny was being harsh it really wasn't my fault at all.

The bell rung and I sat down at the table glancing around at everyone else. The teacher clapped his hands twice and we froze. "Class," he began slowly and we all pricked our ears, Mr Fared wasn't a slow man. "Mary our newest student fainted earlier this morning and she is in hospital, they think she might have had memory loss." We all stared at him in disbelief and I felt dizzy and hot.

The rest of class we were silent and sad as though a dark shadow had loomed over us. At the end of class I walked over to Mr Fared and suddenly my courage washed away and I began to cry. "I feel so, so guilty." I told him through tears. I didn't mean to be so rude and mean but she seemed so scary. "I think she was more scared than any of us were." He told me and I knew it was true. I then realized how much pain we must have caused her.

That day I learned an important lesson that I have never forgotten. 'It is not who we are that defines us it's what we do'. I will never forget that, it is an important thing for me and I will always keep it with me next to my heart everything I do will be for the greater good and everything I say shall be warm, positive and heart warming, amen.

I liked the idea of this. Very much.

I don't have much to say for this. Your grammar could be looked over. And watch your tenses. You should probably go over those and get them all on the right track. You seem to veer from one to another.

CuteJackRussell wrote:She was pale when she arrived#FF8000 "> her but gradually she has turned grey and recently her skin is turning a palish yellow.

I don't think you needed the "her" before "but". Also something about the way you worded this sentence made me slow down to get through it. May be just me.

All of this is in my opinion remember. Do what you think is best, you can only satisfy yourself, the writer.
This has great potential and I'd love to read more,
-Brie

Hello Bhayden71207,

Your review was really helpful and you pointed out some very valid, helpful points. The line that you quoted didn't make sense because the her, was meant to be here. I had been in a bit of a rush typing it up and I must have made a typo error. Again, thank you, this was really helpful and I liked hearing your opinion.

From CuteJackRussell

Hi, this is pretty interesting, you have a unusual type of writing style. I'm not really familiar with reviewing pieces written like this, but I'll do my best.

I like the moral of your story, it sends a good message. It does lack some emotion, though. You should try to let the readers feel the emotions and be in the story, not just read it.

"Mary our newest student fainted earlier this morning and she is in hospital,

I think you mean 'in the hospital,'

they think she might have had memory loss."

Have had? Doesn't she still have it? I think you should change it to something more like " she might have memory loss" or "she might have lost her memory" I don't know, something like that.

The rest of class we were silent and sad as though a dark shadow had loomed over us.

I think you should change it to something like " The rest of the class were silent" or if you are writing in present tense then it would be "The rest of the class are silent" You seem to switch between tenses, so I don't know which one you are trying to write in.

This sentence is also a good example of the lack of emotion. You tell us that the class is silent and sad, but you don't show us. You don't let us feel it, too.

Also, every time someone new speaks, you start a new paragraph.

"I feel so, so guilty." I told him through tears. I didn't mean to be so rude and mean but she seemed so scary. "I think she was more scared than any of us were." He told me and I knew it was true. I then realized how much pain we must have caused her.

This is a little confusing to me. It's hard to tell what's being said and what's being thought. When you say she thought the other girl was scary it is as if she is thinking, but then the teachers answers as if he heard it. Here is also an example of where you should start new paragraphs.

This is what I would suggest to change it to;
"I feel so, so guilty." I told him through tears, "I didn't mean to be so rude and mean, but she seemed so scary."
"I think she was more scared than any of us were." He told me. I knew what he said was true, and I realized how much pain we must have caused her.

It also seems a bit rushed to me. You pass through so much time, but with so little happening. You should try adding a little description as well, it seemed to lack it.

Anyway, overall, I think this has potential, but you just need to work on it a little bit. Good job and keep writing!
~Tayla