Our Lake

I built you a dock
to hold your boat of love.

The storm was looming,
but I dove right in from the shore
and worked from the water.
I carefully hammered every nail,
I sanded every board to perfection.

But you, you weren't so sure.
You tested with a toe,
then waded in to your knees,
then into your hips, then turned back.
the waters were too unpredictable for you.

You can hardly say you tried.
Instead you carried your boat back to safe shores,
and drained our lake.
My dock was left standing alone;
just a useless piece of wood.

Hello!

First of all, I really like this. I think your use of an extended metaphor worked really well for you. There was such an understated sense of sadness in this poem. You managed to be dramatic without being dramatizing your words to an indigestible extent.

I think this was a great way of tackling the topic of how people are uncertain when it comes to love. You breathed fresh air into a hackneyed topic, so congratulations for that. I wish I had something helpful to say. I hope you write more, I'd be glad to read them.


--Nixie

This is a good poem. I can read the emotions in it.

Hey, there,
I really enjoyed your poem, mainly because, as Nixie put it, you brought a new and original perspective to an admittedly common topic. However, your metaphor was interesting and fresh, and I really felt the entire poem resonate with me. I loved how you explained the process of building your "dock:"

jemjive wrote:The storm was looming,
but I dove right in from the shore
and worked from the water.
I carefully hammered every nail,
I sanded every board to perfection.

I liked this stanza so much, but was somewhat bummed that the storm idea wasn't continued on into the rest of the poem...maybe I just attached too much significance to it? Anyways.

I also really enjoyed the simplicity of your language; it was almost cold, and I could feel a chill from it. It gave that slightly sad feeling of when you're at the sea and the water's too cold to swim, and the wind's freezing against your cheeks and it's incredibly lonely. I felt like this sort of image really added to the mood and tone of the piece, so good job with that.

I really enjoyed your poem overall, and liked how the metaphor helped the reader relate to your topic. Great work, and keep writing!

~Glim

This is really beautiful. Like, really, really beautiful. Like, totally fantastic! I loved it! LOVED IT! There is one typo in it:

then waided in to your knees,

should be "waded".

Other than this, this poem was flawless. The metaphor was brilliant, and you did a perfect job of carrying it all the way through. I love your description of building the dock, and and the wading, and the last stanza--heartbreaking. I really don't have anything negative to say about this! Fantastic, superb job!

Sare

Thankyou all! This means alot.