Opus 7

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I met her that day
Cold, windy, a breath
sucking life from my lungs
shriveled at the sight

Beautiful, majestic, on a
throne of grey-black pavement
wearing a smile between her
wet, kissed cheeks

Sunlight strikes, and a sleepless
city shines on her face, sans
the factories accross the
river,of course

People walk around the
vomit on the sidewalk,
Spilled guts that spell
"I love you"

Spoiler
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Last edited by 322sivart on Sun Jun 19, 2011 10:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Need reviews?
I'd be happy to give them.
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic76104.html




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I think this is good - you have some nice images in there and they provoke a lot of thought, but leave room for personal interpretation. I'm not too sure about the use of list of three in the first and third stanza, but that could just be my personal preference - although, I do think you could look over it and use some better words rather than:

Tall, beautiful, majestic


These just feel a little too overused in general poetry, and I'm sure they could be replaced with something much more effective and interesting.
Except for those details, it's quite good, if rough around the edges.
Being children of a cruel reality, we fall prey to the greater powers.
To envy.
To madness.
Betrayal.
Love.
And yet without these things, we cannot remain human. Without these things, we are nothing.
But it is the greatest sacrifice. To envy. To be mad. To betray. To love.
To be human.




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322sivart wrote:I met her that day
Cold, windy, a breath
sucking life from my lungs
shriveled at the sight

Beautiful, majestic, on a MamaLama was right, in that this comes off as trite and too direct.
throne of grey-black pavement
wearing a smile between her
wet, kissed cheeks I love the way you use "kiss" in past tense to not only describe her lips but reveal plot, so to speak.

Sunlight strikes, and a sleepless The way I read this, it transitions into the morning, but also describes her smile as strikes of sunlight. Whether or not that's how you intended it, I like it. :)
city shines on her face, sans
the factories accross the Hate to break it to you, but "accross" is not a word.
river,[space]of course I feel like "of course" is unneeded and breaks your tone. I would consider revising to something else.

People walk around the
vomit on the sidewalk,
Spilled guts that spell
"I love you"

Spoiler
If you like it, please click 'like'!


I will click the like! Your ending stanza is a little over-simplistic but communicates your theme well. Even in the city grime: factories, vomit, there is still beauty: love, romance. Great enjambment as well. Often people screw that up.

EDIT: What's up with the title? I just realized that I don't know what it is or how it relates.
"The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible." — Einstein



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