Sweet Revenge

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Officer Mike Ross sat in the chair with his hands shaking in anticipation. He kept his eye on the door the whole time, waiting for Doctor Walter Sanchez to arrive. Officer Ross was at his breaking point. He could barely wait any longer. Beads of sweat ran down his red face, and he itched to get his revenge on the young doctor.

This whole thing was a continuation of last Tuesday, when a barbeque at the officer's house went terribly wrong. The doctor, to gain attention, shoved Officer Ross into the grill, burning him and setting fire to his yard. The doctor started yelling about how he had "tripped and fallen" into the smoking grill. He ran to patch him up and he gained attention from then on. He even gained a girlfriend in the process. More then one, for that matter. When Officer Ross regained consciousness, he swore on his old man’s grave he would get revenge. And today was the day when the tension hung in the air, so heavy you could cut it with a knife.

After five long minutes of agony, anxiety, and annoyance, the door opened. The gangly, pale form of Doctor Sanchez appeared in the doorway. He turned towards Officer Ross, his dull, grey eyes staring into Officer Ross’s soul.

“What have you come for, today, officer? Revenge, possibly?”

A shaking Mike Ross nodded and stood up. He reached under the chair, about to pull the blanket off of his deadly revenge.

“You better hurry up. I have an appointment at 3:00, and I’m taking one of my girlfriends out to an early dinner at 4:30. You mustn’t take your time, Mike.”


Officer Mike placed gripped the blanket that was covering his revenge. He knew things were about to get personal, and he didn’t mind. He checked his watch. Seventeen minutes and fifteen seconds until 3:00. Enough time, he guessed. He could get rid of the evidence quickly and efficiently, thanks to the years of officer training he had taken. He would get rid of Doctor Sanchez forever, or so he hoped.

Officer Ross uncovered the tool of revenge. The smell of blueberries suddenly filled the scentless air, and it also smelled of cinnamon. He took a hold of the small yet efficient weapon and he slowly stood up. His back was facing Doctor Sanchez, ready to attack.

“Is that blueberries? Pfft! I must turn on the fan. I’m severely allergic! Everybody knows that!” He ran off into the next room, and Officer Ross followed him silently to the door. He then hid by the door, ready to strike with his revenge the second Doctor Sanchez came back out.

Doctor Sanchez soon came back into the room, mumbling curses and frantically touching his face. Officer Ross snapped his fingers, and Doctor Sanchez turned around. He gasped as Officer Ross flung the pie at him, too scared to move. The pie flew through the air in a perfect arc, landing on Doctor Sanchez’s pale face with an audible smack. Doctor Sanchez fell to his knees and scrubbed at his face with the carpet.
Laughing, Officer Ross walked out of the building and back to his car. He sat in the front seat and stuck his key into the ignition. He smelled something… fruity. He peeked into his backseat to see a blueberry pie with some white powder on the top. He sighed loudly and smacked his head on the steering wheel. He should have looked before he picked up the pie. The white powder was something that tampered with your bloodstream, something that only police used on criminals. It wouldn’t kill them, but it would give them a room in the hospital for a while.

And Officer Mike Ross certainly didn’t want to that to his grandma, especially on her 85th birthday.
---Allison---
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Okay, first let me say: This made me giggle. :)

Now, that having been said, let me nag for a few minutes.

There are some spots where this is a bit confusing. The white powder, for instance. What? Where did that come from? He throws a blueberry pie, and then suddenly in his car he finds another blueberry pie that has this random white powder on it, which we don't really know what it does or is or anything. Presumably he got the pies mixed up and meant to throw the one with the white powder at the doctor and give the other one to his grandma, but it took me a minute to figure that out, and even so - what the heck is the white powder? I think it could be deleted, honestly. Since we know the doctor is allergic to blueberries, and since, according to him, "everyone knows that," it seems like overkill to ALSO have the white powder. I mean, if the doctor is severely allergic to blueberries, then blueberry pie should be enough. Especially because it's a delicious food source (well, if you like blueberries) and is totally innocent - whereas this mysterious white powder could get someone (cough cough Officer) in trouble with the law if it's randomly found in the doctor's blood stream.

Okay. So, that's my rant about that.

Also, it's weird when you switch from calling him "Officer Ross" to calling him "Mike." I mean, okay, yes, we technically know that his first name is Mike, but if you switch it up halfway through the story it feels a little weird.

Also, the tension being "so heavy you could cut it with a knife" is awfully cliched. Let's face it, things being so thick/heavy/palpable/whatever that you can cut them with knives...it's just overused. Don't use it. You're obviously creative. I'm sure you can come up with something more original. Example: "The tension hung in the air like a cinder block on a rope" or "the tension hung in the air, so heavy it could knock someone else if it fell out of the air." (Okay, that second one wasn't that great, but you get the idea.)

I think those are my main nags, though. Other than that it's just little proofreading things, like "more then one" should be "more THAN one."

Oh, and hey. I'm curious about the whole barbeque event. I think you should make that into a scene, if you can - I mean, unless you want this to be a one-scene story, but I can see a lot more laughs coming out of it if you show us the barbeque and what happened there and then go to the revenge scene. I think I would enjoy reading the barbeque scene.

Also, I love how dramatic you make everything, like the "beads of sweat" on Officer Ross' face as he waits to exact his revenge. It's hilarious since his revenge is a simple blueberry pie in the fact. (Although that revenge actually becomes a lot more sinister once we find out the doctor is allergic to blueberries!)

Good job, this was really enjoyable. :)

~Blue




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This was okay, but kind of cheesy. The ending probably wouldn't have the impact on the reader that you wanted. That's because you started out with a serious tone in the beginning and then switched to a light one towards the end. Good luck :)
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That was an unexpected ending! Made me smile.
Could've been longer, I would have liked to hear about the BBQ scene and maybe a little more on why the doctor did it.
:)
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when in fact I've been learning how to die.



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