I Wish -Contest Entry-

(contest entry for- The Little Things, by BlueAfrica)

With trembling fingers she picked up the envelope. Her gaze flicked from the envelope itself to the address in the left hand corner. Sweat dribbled down her temple and it felt as if the room had stilled. Licking her lips, she began to peel back the paper.

Before her hands could grip the letter inside, she was stopped. A movement besides her had her looking down, distracted. A little girl stood looking up at her, two fingers in her mouth. The little girl reached up towards her, and she picked her up.

“Rosie,” She murmured, wanting to open the letter to check if everything would be okay. “I thought you were supposed to be in bed.”

Rosie frowned. “I can’t sleep mama.”

“Let me show you something then. Close your eyes.”

She placed the girl on the ground and took a hand. In her other hand she gripped the letter. Rosie hadn’t a clue what was in that letter. The little girl just gripped her mother’s hand like she’d be able to do that forever.

Across the kitchen they walked, over to a window. “Now open them, and tell me what you see.”

Obeying, the little girl’s eyes opened. And as they took in the view, her face brightened. Her eyes got bigger and bigger at the sight. She turned to her mother who was glancing with desire at the letter in her hand.

“It’s so pretty, mama!”

She smiled slightly, distracted. “Yes it is. Do you know what it is?” Rosie shook her head. “It’s the sunset.”

With Rosie preoccupied, she stepped back, mind on the letter. Unfolding it with shaking hands, her eyes scanned the page. This letter said whether or not, Rosie would stay. Whether or not, Rosie would be with her forever. Whether or not, Rosie would live.

The letter slipped from her hands as the words caught her eye. A sorrow filled gasp sounded from her mouth, and she stepped forward. The little girl allowed her mother to sweep her up.

She smiled sadly, eyes shining. “Let’s get you to bed sweetie. You’re tired now, aren’t you?”

Rosie didn’t answer the question, but asked one of her own. “Will I see it again, mom?”

Tears spilled over her cheeks and dripped onto the letter, the reminder, on the ground. All she could do was nod.

But as Rosie began to drift off, the mother gave the real answer.

“I wish, baby. I only wish you could…”

Hi Bhayden,
I haven't seen the contest so I don't know what you were going for but I really enjoyed reading your piece. It was very descriptive and sad and beautiful. There were a few grammar errors but nothing huge. Sorry this review isn't very long but your piece was well done. If you have any specific questions feel free to PM me:)
~Dakota Knight

Hello there!

This is a beautiful story; it's short and powerful, and very sad. I love the subtleness; how you say things with really saying them, like when Rosie's mum finds out her daughter's fate. Just a small nitpick:

Rosie frowned. “I can’t sleep mama.”

Here, the mama should have a capital M, because it's being used in place of her name. There's another example of this further on, so make sure to change that. :]

Apart from that, you've got good grammar throughout, and nice, flowing writing. However, I do have one suggestion: maybe you could describe the sunset? It seems like one of the principal elements of the story, and I think it could really add something special. Seeing as it's possibly Rosie's last sunset, I think it would make the story even more powerful if you included a description. As you wish, though.

Overall, this really is a great story. I found the ending especially powerful. Good job!

Goodluck in the contest!

~Lilicia

Thanks both of you! Ill look into your suggestions!

-brie

"Rosie frowned. “I can’t sleep mama.” (Sorry, I don't know how to do the quote thing... This is my first review!)
Here, Mama should have been capitalized, and after sleep there should have been a comma. Besides those small mistakes, this was a very good story. But why was Rosie going to be taken away? I wish you had told us why! But I haven't seen the contest, so that might have been required. I hope I helped!

Most of my short stories end without telling you what EXACTLY happened. The point of WHY Rosie was being taken away was not the set of the story, but as of IS SHE going to be taken away. I do that to allow the reader to make up what they want to happen next. It leaves you hanging; wanting more...

Thanks for taking the time to review my piece
-Brie

This one made me sad. I've got a much younger sister, so this sort of stuff kind of gets me for some reason.
Again, your grammar was really good, save one or two places that I'll point out later. I'd like to see the scenes more. Is there something striking about Rosie? Maybe something about the envelope? I'd love more description of the sunset, and especially Rosie. But overall, I loved the concept of this piece. And I loved how you left us to create our own story background with it.

Her gaze flicked from the envelope itself to the address in the left hand corner.

I love the subtlety of this! Wonderful.

A movement besides her had her looking down, distracted.

.
This wording threw me off a bit. I would say "A movement beside her drew her gaze down to her side." Especially since you use a form of "look" in the next sentence, I would change it up a bit. And you use "distracted" in the same style later in the piece, and I would only do it once.

“Rosie,” She murmured

Lowercase "she"

“I can’t sleep, Mama.”

She placed the girl on the ground and took a hand. In her other hand she gripped the letter.

I would say "...took her hand." Also, how would you feel about combining these two sentences in something like "She placed the girl on the ground and took her hand, gripping the letter in the other hand." I don't know. It's your call. It really is fine the way it is. However, I wouldn't use "gripping" since you use it again in the next sentence or so. Maybe "clutching" or something.

mother who was glancing with desire

Was it really desire, or was it nerves?

Will I see it again, mom?”

Capital "Mom." If there is a possessive adjective (my, you, our, their, etc.) or article (a, an, the) in front of a family member title (Mom, Dad, Sister, etc.) then you don't capitalize it. If someone is calling them by that title as they would the person's name, then capitalize it. I'll quit rambling now.

Will I see it again, mom?”

Excellent ending.

I loved this story. It was satisfyingly unsatisfying, if that makes any sense whatsoever. Just play around with more description. At times, you get a little adjective-happy (don't worry, I do to). It's a really easy thing to fix, though. Think of creative ways to explain what your characters are seeing with similes or other phrases.

This was a really fine piece. It was nicely controlled emotion. Sometimes topics like these can get a little melodramatic, but you pulled it off wonderfully.
Excellent work, and if something above doesn't make sense the way I (poorly) explained it, shoot me a PM and I'll try to do better.
Happy writing!
-Sea-

Your explanations were perfectly clear
Again, as I said before, you've really helped me see what I stumbled over in my piece.

And ah! I always get crazy with my adjectives :p Many other pieces I have written have been commented on that too. But, it's just something I have to learn how to control I guess.

Thanks! Glad I your my mentor,
-Brie

I don't know how to quote but "A movement besides her had her" shouldn't it be "A movement beside here had her" It's just in the second paragraph.
"With Rosie preoccupied, she stepped back, mind on the letter." I don't that first comma needs to be there.
Besides those two little things, I liked it. It was well written and had a good plot.

Thanks

And your first observation about the "A movement besides her had her," it is supposed to be a her. I'm in the middle of rewording that. I know it causes people to stumble through it.

And your second observation, your right. The first one shouldn't be there.

Thanks for the review Xivideus!
-Brie

Hello, and thank you for entering my contest, "The Little Things."

I would first like to correct you on a minor point - my name is BlueAfrica. But I love blue moon ice cream, so I'll forgive the mistake.

Anyway, about your story.

What I like about this is that the whole story is a little moment: Mother sharing a sunset with child. The big thing, the disease or whatever it is, remains in the background, and that is really awesome, especially since that's such a difficult thing to do with a story. (I, for instance, have trouble with it.) You keep us curious with the big thing in the background - the big thing is, in fact, what makes the little moment so important - but the main focus of the story is the little moment. So, kudos.

However, there are a couple things about this story that I don't quite find believable. First of all - how does Rosie not know what a sunset is? I realize she's very young, but I fail to see how she would not have yet picked up the word "sunset," and how she would not yet have seen a sunset. Also, when she asks her mom if she'll see it again? Well, unless she's going to die in the next twenty-four hours, yes, she will see it again. Maybe your idea is that she WILL die in the next twenty-four hours, but she's out of bed, up, walking around, talking to her mom like normal, and as far as we know, she doesn't even look sickly. And if she's not sick but is simply going to a different home, then of COURSE she'll see it again, unless for some odd reason her new family lives underground and she will never see the surface again, but I don't think that's what you were going for. Also, like I said, she would've presumably already seen a sunset or two in her life by this time.

So, think about what the letter says, what's happening to her. If she's going to die within the next twenty-four hours, show us how pale and sickly and thin and weak she is. Maybe have her call to mom from her bed instead of walking to her mom. Also you may want to have them share something that's a bit rarer than a sunset, even something like a shooting star that maybe Rosie really hasn't seen yet. Do that, and you've got a really powerful story.

~Blue

Whoops! Sorry :/ And yeah, thanks for the review...I'll correct your name.

Thanks,
-Brie