Too Far Gone

After writing Pretty Little Lucifer, a lot of people told me I needed more insight on the girl. So, you got it This is her story. I know it's long, but I felt like I was damaging the story whenever I tried to cut it.
Ya'll know the drill, right? Please do not kill my baby, but I do love constructive criticism.
Love, Sierra


You’re the girl everyone loves,
Shining in all your golden glory.
And he’s a pretty little Lucifer,
(Too dark and dangerous for you, angel)
With all his harsh words and empty promises.

You see his brave face,
That oh-so-perfect mask of unfeeling.
There’s a boy behind it,
The one only you can see,
He isn’t as bad as all that.
He’s broken
(And you wish you could fix him)

It hurts,
Watching him destroy himself.
He knows.
You can see it in his eyes,
With every drink, every needle,
He falls farther and farther into the darkness.
(This time, baby doll, you don’t know if he’s coming back)


You’re the one who finds him,
Alone and broken and so very cold,
(He’s gone, baby girl, and you can’t bring him back)
But you’re fire,
You chase away the frost,
The impending eternity of cold,

Because he’s not just a pretty little Lucifer,
And you’re more than that halo on your head.
He’s broken.
And maybe, just maybe, you can put him back together.
Somewhere down there, you know he's already too far gone.

Just as good!

The only thing is...

You’re the girl everyone loves,
Shining in all your golden glory.
He’s a pretty little Lucifer,
(Too dark and dangerous for you, angel)
With his harsh words and empty promises.

This stanza is a little off. The flow is weird in it.

Other than that, great job! Loved it <3

Keep writing,
Alzora

I LOVE it!! :lol Its the best and I love how her thoughts talk to her saying that you cant fix him and that its to late but she ends up taking a chance and tries to put his life back togather and pulling him out of the darkness. Just perfact nicely done Looking forward to more of your work.

Wow. How do you not have more comments on this?? It's awesome.

It is definitely not too long, don't cut anything out!! Although I do agree with Justagirl that the first stanza is slightly off.

I found a couple typos:

Sierra wrote:With every drink, every needle,

Sierra wrote:And you’re more then than that halo on your head.

Loved it, keep writing!!

~Kitten

Hey there, Sierra! So, I won’t be too super intensive with this because I really want to focus on one big thing (the ending.) Although I didn’t read Pretty Little Lucifer, and I might just after I finish reviewing this, I’m going to look at this more as an independent piece.

You’re the one who finds him,
Alone and broken and so very cold,
(He’s gone, baby girl, and you can’t bring him back)
But you’re fire,
You chase away the frost,
The impending eternity of cold,

Because he’s not just a pretty little Lucifer,
And you’re more than that halo on your head.
(Everyone needs a guardian angel)
He’s broken.
And maybe, just maybe, you can put him back together.

Okay, you say in the first two lines up there that and then the third too that he’s broke cold and gone which would imply that he’s dead, wouldn’t it. But then you say that she’s fire to chase away the frost which leaves me a good deal confused as to whether he was dead or not. Then the metaphor you’ve created shifts and he’s gone from being frozen (though you do tie in the broken idea) to being just broken. Before, a good deal of the emphasis was more on that frozen kind of gone. Now it’s on the broken kind of gone. And it still leaves me confused as to whether he had been dead or just broken. This is actually leaving me very baffled and I may not sleep tonight over it.

Otherwise, you’ve got a nice style here though some of the parenthetical interjections do seem a little out of place (namely the last one) you definitely have an interesting third person omniscient point of view on this. Great job, Sierra! If you have any questions, feel free to ask!

~lilymoore

Well, I don't have much to say except that I liked it. The flow and feel to it kept me wanting to read to the end. As a wannabe poet I always admire when other people can find the right words and put them together just right to share their feelings and thoughts. Sorry I didn't say much, but I'm new and hopefully will get better at reveiwing later on... I'm also not very experienced, so there's not much I can say to help more advanced writers. Well, I enjoyed your peice and thank you for sharing with us.

<..> Kat

Wow, I just wanted to say this was amazing (As was your last piece, Pretty Little Lucifer)! I really, really like your writing style, and I just want to say I wish I could write as well as you. No matter what I do I can't get my emotions to show through in my writing, but yours lets the reader feel so much. I just wanted to say how awesome you are!! (Sorry, now I'm probably starting to freak you out.) Anyway, sorry I couldn't really give you a critique, I don't know all that much about poems.
Let me know if you post anything else!
~Tayla

Not bad. It's much better than the general crop of dark poetry on here. I loved how you poured your voice into this and kept the strength of the writing up throughout. The snippits of monologue within the poem served well in the clash of manipulation and pity I got from here. I suggest reading aloud in editing as some points in the life your flow tends to stumble but aside this it's just a few points.

There's a rawness here that doesn't come off as forced but rather stems from passion and talent. Well done.