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Blood trickled down Ryans face as his head hit the hard pavement of one of Londens many hidden tunnels, but he had to forget about the punding sensation in his skull because the thing that had attacked him gripped his throat tightly with its claw like hands "prepare to die!" it snarled in his ear, its breath smelt of rotting flesh and it made the hairs on Ryans neck stand up.

The thing opened its jaw wide exposing many sharp blood stained teeth just waiting to taste the blood they laid beneath. It was closer now so close Ryan could feel its warm breath against his now cold neck when suddenly he rememberd the blade that rested safely in his jeans pocket he reached for it and drove it hard into the creatures chest, it let out a high pitched cry before it fell motionless to the ground.

Ryan jumped to his feet pushing the creature aside he smiled, he wasn't going to die. Well not today anyway, and definately not by the hands of a demon.

Hello. I am Masque, and I shall be reviewing your piece today. -ehem- First I'll go through some grammatical edits.

Blood trickled down Ryan's face as his head hit the hard pavement of one of London's many hidden tunnels, but he had to forget about the pounding sensation in his skull, because the thing that had attacked him gripped his throat tightly with its claw like hands.

"Prepare to die!" it snarled in his ear; its breath smelt of rotting flesh, and it made the hairs on Ryan's neck stand up.

The thing opened its jaw wide, exposing many sharp, blood stained teeth, just waiting to taste the blood they laid beneath. It was closer now so close Ryan could feel its warm breath against his now cold neck when suddenly he remembered the blade that rested safely in his jeans pocket. He reached for it and drove it hard into the creature's chest,(Either split this into two sentences or add an "and") it let out a high pitched cry before it fell motionless to the ground.

Ryan jumped to his feet pushing the creature aside he smiled, he wasn't going to die. Okay, this whole sentence needs to be fixed. It's not grammatically correct, but there are several ways you could do it. "He wasn't going to die" should probably be its own sentence. As for the rest, it could be "Ryan jumped to his feet, pushing the creature aside and smiled." or "Ryan jumped to his feet and pushed the creature aside, smiling." There are lots of ways you could word it. Well not today anyway, and definitely not by the hands of a demon.

Alright, the first thing I noticed is that this piece is very short. You posted it under novels, so is this a first chapter? It seems quite short for a chapter, though that's really a matter of opinion. Are you planning on continuing with this? The writing itself was fine, though not exceptional. There was some good visual imagery in spots, but not a lot as far as figurative language. It was interesting, however, and did leave me curious about what could be going on.

Good work!
Masquerade

thankyou for your reply i realy liked what you said about it and its nice to get someone elses judgment.
sorry about the spelling and grammar im not realy the best at them, im also new to this site so i didnt realy know where to post it and it was just a little something i thought of while i was on this site last night so i might expand it at a later date.

thanks,
aniwinchester

oh aniwinchester,
this piece of maginificant poetry sent me back to the army days where i fought for my country. when i read this i feel exhileration in my left knee. <thats a good thing.
btw (hipster slang for by the way) you should do more poems like this

Well done.
Sincerely, Mrpunctuation.

This would be categorised in a 'short story,' the spelling could use improvement also. However I think this story has great potential and I would love to see similar stories or poems like this. Congratulations on the good story, I really enjoyed reading it and it was very interesting. I wouldn't mind reading this in an actual book one day.

-WritingAway