Calisan and the Lurid Latern of the West

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Chapter 1
The moon was shining as bright as its sister, the sun, had just a few hours before. Calisan moved up a little bit closer to the antiquated oak tree. He leaned in closer to firmly press his ear to the trunk. The bark smelled of fire. There were no leaves just dead branches. Calisan looked up at sky sky. It had an eerie taste to it tonight. A score of stars were visible in just this tiny window of light. It was not usual for this many stars to be shining at once.At that moment he saw something run across a fallen tree directly to his left. He slowly turned his head with extreme attentiveness. He did this because he has heard of stories of strange beasts that lurk the woods of Starrowyn Forest
He pulled out an arrow out of his back,his ears slowly twitching in the wind. His eyes widened at the sight of what he saw.
The eyes were of a feint silver with a thin tinted blue.The body was riddled with a silver flesh. Its mouth smelled of a urgent need of hunger. Calisan guardedly took cover by that same oak tree. The beast didn't fully see him. Calisan usually was the hunter, now he is the prey. He then moved to a thicker tree nearby. The path was more than a few yards away. If he could only get to it,he would be safe. The path had a protective barrier alongside it to the next village. It was set up to keep beasts and other non-wanted travelers out. Every villager was given a certain spell that would grant them entrance onto the path. Calisan muttered "Allisera" and took off for the path. The beast saw him and galloped towards him. Calisan turned around and shot an arrow at the last possible second. The beast caught the arrow in its throat and let out a harsh snarl. It layed down with a bellowing thud. He had killed it.
Calisan gasped for air as he laid on the path he now would call his "safe haven". He looked back and saw his prized trophy. It was a Carca. A Carca preyed on flesh and would track its prey for days until finally killing it. The path was ladened with wood that had been worn over many years of the traveling of the Iselair clan to the other villages in its protection. Calisan got up onto his fatigued feet and continued onward to his home.
Calisan was almost to the front gates of the village when he saw smoke billowing from the tower. He races as fast as his legs could take him. He got to the tower and and let himself in with a quick climb over the wall. He turnes the handle to the tower and saw nothing but two guards face down in the dirt. Blood was covering the walls as it seeped out of their bodies. Arrows were heavily imbedded into their armor. Calisan walked over the bodies trying not to be affected by the stench. He started up the spiral stairway as he unsheathed his sword. A sapphire colored gem was implanted on its hilt. The blade was layered with a silver cover and a gold print was on it from tip to handle. Calisan took another glance at the two deceased guards then turned bac to the task that lay before him.
As Calisan reached the top of the steps he heard voices through the door.
"But,but,but sir how can we possibly move our troops that fast through such a dense forest?" A raspy but serious voice questioned to the other man that was in the room.
"We can and we will relocate our camp. And as for the troops,we'll find out a way that is both stealthy and efficient. Now we should be moving along. Men lets move" The other voice commanded as the tower shook with a great force.
Calisan then at that moment swung open the door with speed and jumped in. But noone was there. Only another dead tower guard and blood. A lantern was thrown onto the wooden platform. As he reached dowm to grab the lantern,he felt a cold chill go down his back and the hairs on his back stood up. The lantern was lit and opened but no flame was escaping to burn the tower. Calisan put just his finger tip in it ans jumped back. It wasn't the even a little slightly hot. In fact it was cold as if it weren't even a flame but a snowflake. This had to have been the weirdest thing to ever happen to him. Calisan then looked around some more and found nothing of interest. His only thought was to alert hia father and the Chieftain of what his eyes have seen the past few hours.He took his sack of of his back and put the latern in it. He tied it back up threw it upon his shoulder and ran down the steps toward his hut. He got to his window and quietly climbed in and put his sack on the floor as he flopped on his mattress of hay. He would tell of the news tomorrow morning he thought.He stared up at the mudded ceiling and peacefully fell asleep.
Calisan woke up with a startled feeling. The air wasn't as pure as it usually was at this time of the day. He got up and walked towards the wash bin and dipped his hands in the cold water. He took a look at his face and then splashed the water to take off the dirt. He did notice a cut on his ear that he had not recognized the day before. He just thought it was an injury from his voyage in the woods. With that thought he wandered off into the kitchen where his father and brother sat at a table with a saddened look upon them.
"Fathet last night...."Calisan said as he was cut off by his father.
"Calisan,how many times have I told you to not wander out in the forest by yourself?"
"Father, we need to get to the front gate now. And Eleran,alert the soldiers to get the Chieftain. Something had happened last night." Calisan ordered his father and brother ignoring the plees to be silent fron his father.
Calisan went to his room and grabbed his bow and quiver and ran out to the front where his father was waiting for him in the horse drawn carriage. He turned back and saw Eleran riding the opposite direction on a black steed that everyone in the village called Rosenden due to the rose pattern on his forelegs.
They reached the gate and saw some guards with Iselairian armor on and decided it best to stay out of the way until Eleran came with the Chieftain. A few minutes later the Chieftain came in his burgundy colored carriage. As he stepped out onto a stool everyone around him bowed down to show their their allegiance. They did this not just in their respect but also the fear that maybe that night a family animal or even a family member may disappear and never to be seen again. The Iselairian clan has been settled near the Starrowyn Forest for a great deal of centuries. They are decendants of the great Viamstead race. The Viamstead people were Elvish. They carried themselves with a sense of pure elegance and grace. The ran with a swiftness that has never been challenged aand never will. They have no fear. The Viamstead would go directly into any battle without a fear of being defeated.
The Iselair Clan had obtained many of these qualities but through the generations ,they have been on the down side of the world.
"Attention,my fellow Elves today has brought such danger to the Iselair clan. What happened last night is the works of no other except the Isathil Clan" the Chieftain bellowed out to the soldiers and Calisan and his family. As he said this his soldiers had begun to shuffle about and started to prepare their armor and horses. They will be ready to fight.
Calisan had began to think about the Isathil. Why would they want anything to do with us. They were from the Northern part of Miruyn? He pondered over this thought as his father and Eleran were having conversation with the Chieftain.
"Father ,Father come quick. I have something to show you at home. Please we must hurry."
"Oh alright,Calisan." He said in an angered tone of voice ."Please accept my apology sir." He asked the Chieftain. But too late the Chieftain was already turning to another soldier.
"This better be important Calisan." Astarin said as he looked down upon Calisan.
Calisan just knew that his father would be surprised at what he had discovered the night before up in that cold wooden defense tower. He just knew it.
The family got to their hut and walked in through the wooden door.
"Now Calisan go get what you wanted to show me so badley that you had to interupt a council wth the Chieftain for." Astarin angrily ordered Calisan.
"Trust me father,you wont be disappointed!" Calisan snapped back as he turned to go to his room. He came out with a small chest etched with an I for Iselair on it. He sat the chest down on the wooden table as his father and Eleran gazed hopelessly at it. Then he opened the chest and the men in the hut gasped.
"Calisan do you know what that is? Where did you get it from?" Astarin questioned without allowing Calisan time to answer.
"Father, I believe this is a latern of the Isathil Clan from the North. I found it on the tower that was attacked last night. I was going to wake you from your slumber,but I was tired and had already fallen asleep." Calisan answered with a tremble in his voice.
"Calisan,son, you have got to listen to me. This is something that a 16 year old boy should dealing with. This isn't something anyone should be dealing with. It is a good thing you didn't mention this while we were at the gate. But from now on listen to me and do not go into the Starrowyn Forest without the aid of either me or your brother. Now we must all get back to work in our fields. Much to do with such horrid weather we have been having lately." And with that statement he got up and briskly went off to work.
"Calisan,next time you decide to go into the forest,bring me. I want to explore with you. And with both of us watching each other's back,we can cover so much ground. That way if we find anything of importance we can bring it back together." Eleran said in an excited tone of voice.
Calisan just looked at his wide eyed brother and grabbed a hoe and shovel and followed his father's soiled footprints out if the shelter. Eleran then grabbed the last shovel and stormed out of the hut, and slammed the door as it creaked off the nails that held it to the wall. Eleran turned and scoffed at what he had done and kept on walking.
The sun had just risen up to its maximum destination. Bullets upon bullets of sweat poured from Calisan's face and neck. Eleran kept an eye on him as he thrusted the shovel down into the dry up turned earth.
"Boys time to go in and wash up for supper."Astarin pipped up as he took a swig of water out of his brown leather canteen.
The boys dropped their tools and raced off to the hut to eat. Eleran still didn't get why Calisan didn't say yes to his idea but he couldn't bear to the evil inside of him to do something maliciously to his one and only brother.
Eleran was 19 years old. He had seen Calisan grow up as a young man while Astarin had no time for either one of them ever since their mother Calilidora died while giving birth to Calisan. He was skilled in practically every art that the Elves had been blessed with. He is eligible to be brought into the Iselairian army next spring time.
"Haha looks like I win once again Eleran." Calisan said with a smirk.
"Well as you well know,the first ine sitting down at the table is the true winner." Eleran replied as he ran past Calisan and into his usual seat next to his father.
"It seems as though I had forgotten about that. But next time I will win."
And with that remark the three bold men started to eat their food.
The day had ended and the sun had just laid down its head as the moon entered the starless sky. A starless sky in Loryel meant a pure sense if calmness and quiet were ready to be released over the land and its inhabitants. One more day and one more night lay before them and a terrible conflict among the Elven clans. Just one.




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*Squweee!!!!!!* This is so cool! I love it! Write more soon okay? I want to read more.
"What doesn't kill me... had better start running..."




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I should have chapter two in by next Saturday thank you lots and lots




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Two words...awesome beginning! I loved the overall idea of the story -- an approaching enemy tribe. Actually, I just love the idea of elves in general. The way you arranged your words made for a fantastic beginning. There were several grammatical and spelling mistakes,but nothing that couldn't be fixed. At some points, the story became somewhat confusing, but things became clearer as the story progressed. Incredible beginning, once again. In future chapters, you may want to slow things down a bit, proofread your work after it is written, and turn on spellcheck. That will probably help you more than anything I can say. Perhaps you might want to branch this into two chapters, and add more detail while at the same time adding more beef to the confusing parts. I hope this helps! I'm sort of new to reviewing, but I did my best.




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Hey there Dallas!

I'm Tanya, one of the judges of the First Chapter Contest, here to review!

The moon was shining as bright as its sister, the sun, had just a few hours before. Calisan moved up a little bit closer to the antiquated oak tree. He leaned in closer to firmly press his ear to the trunk. The bark smelled of fire. There were no leaves just dead branches. Calisan looked up at sky sky
I thought the beginning of this was promising. A good hook. But there are also a few holes in this that will repeat itself throughout the story.

1) Why in the world did Calisan put his ear to the tree if he smells and sees the dead branches?

2)Why would he mention fire at all? Was there a fire? Was the tree warning him of an upcoming danger? Is he angered/hurt/frustrated about the tree's unncessary death? I mean, Elves are one with nature, yes?

3) You make many many many mistakes throughout this whole piece. I get a typo or two, we all have them. We read our pieces so often, we can't spot those nasty mistakes any more. But this is frustrating. Because if you can't be bothered to spellcheck your piece, if you can't be bothered to proofread, why would we bothered to read it? Right in the first paragraph, smack dab at the beginning of your chapter, you have this: " Calisan looked up at sky sky"
Need I say more?

He pulled out an arrow out of his back,his ears slowly twitching in the wind. His eyes widened at the sight of what he saw.
the way you phrased this sounds like the arrows were in his back. As opposed to being in say, a quiver.
Also, there should be a space between your comma and the word following it.

The eyes were of a feint silver with a thin tinted blue.The body was riddled with a silver flesh. Its mouth smelled of a urgent need of hunger.

As per the Online Dictionary (click this link), 'feint' isn't the right word. It would be 'faint', but even that is not the right word. Go for 'light', maybe?
The sentence in bold.....Doesn't make much sense. You would say that a body is riddled with bullets, but not as you use it here. I would suggest simply writing, "the flesh was silver", or something to that effect.
The third sentence . . . Did your MC smell the beasts mouth? No? Then why use that word?

Calisan usually was the hunter, now he is the prey.
I'll only mention this once, but it's throughout your whole chapter. You keep switching tenses from past to present. A good reread will help you spot those.

It was set up to keep beasts and other non-wanted travelers out.
the term is 'unwanted'.

It layed down with a bellowing thud. He had killed it.
'layed down' is what a cat or dog does when its tired. The beast was just killed, it would drop like a dead weight. Us writers have to choose our words carefully, because they evoke images in the minds of our reader. Each word must be tried out, thought thoroughly of, and used properly.

Calisan gasped for air as he laid on the path he now would call his "safe haven
Um, when did he lay down? Did he drop in fright or exhaustion? It would be good to point out.

He turnes the handle to the tower and saw nothing but two guards face down in the dirt. Blood was covering the walls as it seeped out of their bodies
So, they're laying face down, bloods seeping onto the ground, but there's blood on the walls, and all this from an arrow wound? No way.

He would tell of the news tomorrow morning he thought.He stared up at the mudded ceiling and peacefully fell asleep.
Really? He just witnessed a few murders, a weird lantern almost froze his arm off, and he simply goes to bed peacefully? Hell, no. There is no urgency to reach his father, at all? Even though the next day he interrupts an important meeting to tell his father, but doesn't think of telling him now?

"Fathet last night...."Calisan said as he was cut off by his father.
"Calisan,how many times have I told you to not wander out in the forest by yourself?"

Where in the world did this come from? How did he know that he went into the forest? Why did he cut him off like that?

Calisan had began to think about the Isathil. Why would they want anything to do with us. They were from the Northern part of Miruyn? He pondered over this thought as his father and Eleran were having conversation with the Chieftain.
thoughts should be in italics.

The boys dropped their tools and raced off to the hut to eat. Eleran still didn't get why Calisan didn't say yes to his idea but he couldn't bear to the evil inside of him to do something maliciously to his one and only brother.
Eleran was 19 years old. He had seen Calisan grow up as a young man while Astarin had no time for either one of them ever since their mother Calilidora died while giving birth to Calisan. He was skilled in practically every art that the Elves had been blessed with. He is eligible to be brought into the Iselairian army next spring time
this change of POV (point of view) really threw me off. We have Calisan's pov and suddenly, it's Eleran's. Where did that come from, and why was it necessary?

Ok, done with the review! Dallas, this has much potential. The idea is an intriguing one, what with the lantern and such. That being said, this piece needs a lot of work.

Your mistakes are distracting and annoying.
Your punctuation is all over the place.
The dialogue needs much work. It's unbelievable that people would talk this way. After being cut off by his father, he suddenly mans up and orders and father and older brother around. Read a book, listen to people talk. They never ever act out of character unless circumstances suddenly make them change.

Is it because you do not yet have a good grasp on your characters? I once read that a good way to learn them, is to write a scene, throwing them in a situation to see how they react. Will they cower in fear? Man up, be courageous? Mock? Shun? The way your character is acting is as unbelievable as your dialogue.

I didn't mean this whole review to sound like a complete diss, because as I stated, I thought you have a good intriguing beginning. If you organise your chapter, punctuation and dialogue, you'll see the story and characters heading in the right direction, I'm sure of this.

PM me if you have any questions, and good luck with your story!

Tanya



I do not use my siblings as the cleaning equipment.
— Atticus