The Name of God

5 posts
User avatar
Gender Male
Points 27175
Reviews 387
She wears pearl studs, lobes made softer by freshwater edgelessness. Her lips break open like a bottle christening when she laughs. She has two good haunches in blue jeans. They are the type of blue jeans worn by older women who have not yet lost their shape, high around the waist in the style of ranches and an equal share of the man's work. After all, she is the same age as the aunts and childless hippies who wear their gray hair in desperate braids, improbable as the fertility of mules, wearing strap sandals that leave clammy tan-lines in September. But she is well-preserved—avoids modern poetry, new teas, and Buddhist temples to good results. She fits into those blue jeans very nicely next to her husband with sleeves rolled up to reveal brown forearms traced with the white penmanship of informal scars. He can name to you where he got each one, because he used to be proud of them, but scars hold a different meaning when your two daughters have begun using cream under their eyes and at the corners of their mouths and live in different cities than you do.
As any good mid-west preacher, he cleans up nicely on a Saturday in Levis and a shirt loosened of two buttons. He does not hold his wife around her waist as you might expect as they host the church picnic behind their colonial, at the foot of a grain house with a view of a hobby hay field. Instead, she grills the meat while he serves the potato salad, which is his recipe, or, at least his mother's recipe which uses a whole meadow of red onions and is served to all the guests whether they like it or not, because it is well-advertised by the preacher himself, and he is a respectable man, having raised two thousand head of cattle every year for thirty years. He also served in the navy, but bovine computations hold a heavier clout in such a valley, which even so flies a good number of flags in early July, and sends a son or two to the military at regular interval.
She cooks the meat and flirts with the congregational men, but maybe she doesn't know it, though she wears the blue jeans right on her belly, and so it is evident how well-kept her body is. Her hair is naturally still that vital color of eastern syrup winters. She is at the head of the school board in town, and is running for a seat on the city council this coming election season. I have known her all of two weeks, but I have seen every part of her life, especially the Christmases and the young men and the tactics in marriage. I have seen how as a child she would catch big dirigible bees in her socks and shake them up, with the intention of making them dizzier. You know, I shudder at this now, because of how scarce bees are, and how sympathetic they are to the plight of our orchards' proffered pistils. I have seen four years at Harvard University, where she got a degree in theology, and learned about dry, sea-bed texts, and the many names of God. How many of those names does she use at night, in prayer or otherwise. Her husband serves me a plate of potato salad. I'm new, so he introduces himself and asks me where I come from. I'm from Atlanta, and I went to the New Harmony Congregation on 8th street. He has strong features, and I pay close attention to his handshake, because you can tell all a man is and what sort of business he's in by the shape and depth of the grip of his hand. I like the hands of men you can barely fit your own around and it is like shaking the width of a two by four. This man has pulled twenty-two stumps from uncleared land with thick chain. He has fallen off a roof twice. He branded his own cows, pressed his cheek against their cord necks as they thrashed in the dirt with knees and felt the unison of blood in systemic crochet. Yes, you can tell that from a handshake. I can also tell how he likes his wife when she says one of the many names of God in the night, otherwise of prayer.
I watched them last night as they prepared for the picnic. Afterward, she rode horses and he went indoors. There is a lot to be said about a man who goes indoors while his wife rides on her own. She rode with her hair down and with a straight face, as she supposed horses should be ridden with. The evening was a meeting of horse and current. She moved in and out of the animal like a tight turn, blurred, and feeling what her husband felt against shitless cattle. I saw all the other horses she had ever ridden in the way she maneuvered her elbows, and kept her knees tucked into the breadth. One was a red-splotched mare, they call them roans, its knotwork of intentions, and manes. I have seen her as a young girl on saddles. She is pretty, and you would think that her father owned every quadruped in the dry state. She rides as if there is romance one hundred miles south.
I don't get meat quite yet. I eat the potato salad, which should be famous, considering the audacity of the sweltering onions. She wipes her hands on her jeans, against her thighs. She does not debate God with anyone. If you can tell everything there is about a man by his handshake, you can likewise tell about a woman by the uprising angle of her chin from the floor, as if the pulse in her throat was the dangle of an astrolabe and you could calculate how many men she has shamed by the height of the stars in her eyes. Boys have died for lesser angles, for it is well known that love is a geometry—a logarithm in passion, an asymptote in middle-aged settling, a triangle in roadside affairs. It is hard for me to see circles, as you might think, and comprehend them, and squares are so achingly four-walled.
But she is all angles and circumferences and bilaterals as she serves up meat on doubled-up paper plates. She prays every night. These are the devout prayers a person who knows nothing about God. Hands clasped, elbows on the bedsheets as she kneels with her hair undone, slashing over her shoulder like a routine burn, with furrowed brow. She mouths each word without saying it—I am sure of that. I wanted more than anything to be in that room to hear the cusped, glossless sound of her lips parting and recombining. I know everything about God. I pity the parents and sponsors of this woman, who helped pay for four years at Harvard's School of Divinity, which produced an alumni of such devotion and bedside desolation and utter failure in coming to know god.
The prayers gave me pause, and still do.
But she is the life of the party, as well as the Red Hat Society, the Scholarship Committee, and the Rotary Club.
The cicadas cease with suddenness, and a late summer paranoia sets in with the silence, like a discreet click at the end of a phone call. The chickens in the yard pick up the slack. The preacher kisses his wife's neck when he comes behind her and you should see how her face lights up. No, it gleams— with the luminosity of faith in blindness. She whispers something in his ear, and he turns to the crowd.
“Folks, inside, my wife has a marvelous dessert. If you stay a little longer, she'd like to go in and get it.”
The dessert is peach-based, cobbled out of the orchards—I know because I watched as she prepared it after riding horses on an English saddle, with all its murmurs and paddles of shy leather. The pride in serving friends and family fruit formed of one's own trees is the smile she addresses to the picnic before moving toward the house. The Preacher squats to the level of his granddaughter, who has just arrived with his oldest, who in turn bears a belly swollen as empty weather. I follow his wife after the dessert. She trots up the steps to the house as I move among the trees and clapboards, the windows since reduced to screens at the heat, and a piebald cat slinking along the meridian. I don't even look back to see if anyone is watching as I catch the door before it closes. It's nice to be inside. The ceiling is low, the decorative scheme is blue tin, and every scent of the house is centralized in the kitchen, including her odors, unmasked now from cooking meat and entertaining an August of guests. There are portraits of her children on the wall. On the desks, there are framed pictures of her husband, and also her accomplishments, and their wedding, busting with the silk of a magician's sleeve. I move toward the kitchen. I do not slink, but I am curious. I have only known her two weeks, after all. There are things that still surprise me.
When she turns around with a tray of peach cobbler, rich with crumble, she sees me in the doorway. She is unfrightened.
“The bathroom is down the hall, first door on the right. Do you want to give me a hand with the other tray?”
She makes to move past me.
“Excuse me.”
I sidestep the cobbler very easily when I take her up by her wrist and her mouth. I put my face into her neck, her ear, her pearl stud, which I taste like a head-water. She is younger than I imagined. I did not come here for her high, elderly jeans exactly. I came for her to know about God and to ruin horses. I came for every Christmas, and for the bees that died in her left sock.
She doesn't bite or scream.
She prays and I am merciless.
Last edited by Kylan on Sun Jun 19, 2011 1:44 am, edited 1 time in total.
"I am beginning to despair
and can see only two choices:
either go crazy or turn holy."

- Serenade, Adélia Prado




User avatar
Gender Non-binary
Points 1979
Reviews 1176
Hai Kylan!

Whenever I see something you've written, I'm always in two minds about whether I should read it or not. If I can understand it, I feel incredibly on the ball; if I can't, I get cross, because I always feel like there's something incredibly deep and pithy in your writing and it frustrates me when I can't access it.

I'm frustrated right now. :?

As always, your prose is beautiful. There were just a few instances where I had to take a mental breath because of the long sentences; so long sometimes that they sagged in the middle. Like here:

She fits into those blue jeans very nicely next to her husband with sleeves rolled up to reveal brown forearms traced with the white penmanship of informal scars.


It feels too cluttered, and the join between the two subjects -- the blue jeans and the husband's arms -- isn't as seamless as it could be. I can see the join, and all.

More importantly, I don't "get" it. Who is the guy and what is the point? He's watching the minister's wife and at the end he forces himself on her -- I think? Does he force himself on her? I'm not sure, because while the guy initiates it and is in control, she doesn't seem that upset by it all. And I'm not completely sure I understand the guy's reasoning. I mean, the whole story's been inside his head, but I don't know why he acts the way he does.

If it's meant to be ambiguous, then I guess you did that fine. ^_^ I'm not sure how the title ties in, either.

Apologies if I'm being incredibly dense and the point is really very obvious. >_<

-twit
"TV makes sense. It has logic, structure, rules, and likeable leading men. In life, we have this. We have you." -Abed Nadir




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 42011
Reviews 922
Erm... I'm with Twit.

This is beautiful. It really is. The language drew me in, I was hooked on this premise, but I didn't really understand it. It might just be me and being unable to read outside the lines, but I was confused. I wasn't sure what it was trying to get at, what point (if any) it was trying to make. It left me thinking and hypothesizing though, so yay?

One thing that bothered me stylistically was that it took three monster paragraphs to get to the introduction of the "I". I was settled in to the distant third person narration, and then it suddenly jumps down into a specific someone's head. It jarred me for a moment and I had to completely readjust how I was looking at this story. Maybe you had an intention behind that, but just looking at it right now, the abrupt change is a bit frustrating.

But this was lovely. Even if I didn't quite "get" it, the prose was lovely. The little details brought in made it feel so concrete. Those mundane instances made it feel profound, even if I wasn't quite sure what the profundity applied to.

*sigh* I might just be dense. Still loved it anyway.

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 27175
Reviews 387
Thank you both for your critiques and kind words. Good point with the late introduction of the narrator, Gryph.

I wasn't sure what it was trying to get at, what point (if any) it was trying to make.


I just wanted to clarify for you and future readers that, yes, there is a point. I was playing with very specific themes here, though perhaps I was not explicit enough.

Kylan
"I am beginning to despair
and can see only two choices:
either go crazy or turn holy."

- Serenade, Adélia Prado




Random avatar
Gender Male
Points 1855
Reviews 56
I haven't written an official critique in ages, so forgive me if this isn't up to par, as I'm rather rusty.

For the most part, I will forgo a focus on critiquing style, for, having read much of your work on here, it is clear that you are quite at ease within this style, where description and metaphor are rendered the lifeblood of prose. However, I think this piece does illustrate the occasional pitfall of that style, and I will try to point out where I think it can most easily be remedied. What drew me to reviewing this piece was the difficulty the other reviewers had with grasping the themes. I think I am beginning to establish a sense of your themes, and I am determined to at least in part unravel them in this critique.

What I believe to be central in unraveling this piece is the figure of a preacher's wife, and I must say I find her absolutely fascinating. I find female characters to be the more complex in literature, for their multitude of identities contained in one. Where men are often merely of one identity (the self-established one), women are characterized by their separate roles as wives, mothers, and, no matter how small the self-declaration, their own personal sense of identity. Pardon me for proselytizing. Back to your piece. I think I understand this woman a little better because, having lived through more than twelve years of Catholic education, I myself have known many people that are like her. I find this lovely paragraph to be most revealing of her:

She prays every night. These are the devout prayers a person who knows nothing about God. Hands clasped, elbows on the bedsheets as she kneels with her hair undone, slashing over her shoulder like a routine burn, with furrowed brow. She mouths each word without saying it—I am sure of that. I wanted more than anything to be in that room to hear the cusped, glossless sound of her lips parting and recombining. I know everything about God. I pity the parents and sponsors of this woman, who helped pay for four years at Harvard's School of Divinity, which produced an alumni of such devotion and bedside desolation and utter failure in coming to know god.


I believe her to be a woman who, upon first glance, appears quite content in her domestic and religious role. A role that has been laid out for her long before, in anticipation of its inevitable completion, for she is not a woman who makes rash decisions. She is a woman who abides by laws and rules, especially those unspoken laws of family duty. I love the bolded description of prayer for how perfectly it describes the way that we are, in essence, instructed to pray as young children. Prayer is a daily routine, sometimes a chore, almost thoughtless in nature. There can be no education in becoming emotionally invested in prayer, in truly living the verses recited. As she prays without uttering a word, she lives without truly living. Despite that litany of her involvements with all those societies and clubs. :P

The preacher kisses his wife's neck when he comes behind her and you should see how her face lights up. No, it gleams— with the luminosity of faith in blindness.


I feel the bolded phrase to be a bit disappointingly obvious. Before this part, you have done an artful, subtle job of depicting her muteness, her blindness to the true nature of piety, of willingly devoting oneself to God. This, however, is a little heavy-handed. Easily remedied, though.

When she turns around with a tray of peach cobbler, rich with crumble, she sees me in the doorway. She is unfrightened.


Not sure why your created word "unfrightened" is any more effective than simply "not frightened." Though I digress. I promised not to linger too much on your stylistic choices. Entirely your decision.

I sidestep the cobbler very easily when I take her up by her wrist and her mouth. I put my face into her neck, her ear, her pearl stud, which I taste like a head-water. She is younger than I imagined. I did not come here for her high, elderly jeans exactly. I came for her to know about God and to ruin horses. I came for every Christmas, and for the bees that died in her left sock.

She doesn't bite or scream.

She prays and I am merciless.


And here, at the almost breathless conclusion, you wisely choose to thrust us into the crux of the piece, the crescendo (relatively speaking, considering how still and languid the pace has been up until now, due to the abundant description) of your narrator's interaction with his prey, so to speak. Other than the paragraph describing her nightly prayers, I think these final paragraphs are the most revealing of this woman's nature. To be frank, I love her strange reaction to the narrator forcing himself upon her. But then, perhaps the nature of her reaction is not so strange at all. Perhaps she prays in utter despair, for where she has now finally found herself, perhaps enjoying this sudden lecherous attention. Perhaps her prayer is more like that of Christ on the cross, begging God to forgive this man who has forced himself upon her, who has tried to ruin her in her purity. Or perhaps she prays not at all, for we know from earlier in the piece that the true essence of prayer is not in her nature. Yet her complicity complicates this encounter further. Is it the ultimate symbol of piety, or is it the act of a woman numb with despair, or rendered motionless with desire?

Or perhaps none of my interpretations are correct. For after all, a nameless narrator capable of such behavior as portrayed here surely cannot be completely reliable?

Ah. Ambiguity is absolutely delicious. The questions echo long after that bold closing line.

Now I'm about to make a rather awkward segue to another aspect of this piece. The narrator. Quite frankly, the whole situation with the narrator could use some more finesse. Gryphon has pointed out how late the narrator in introduced in the piece. While I'm sure you can rectify that quite seamlessly, I think the fact that as you wrote this originally, it took so long for the narrator to enter the picture suggests he does not quite belong to this story. I'm a bit fuzzy on the exact nature of his relationship to the preacher's wife. Several times he mentions that he has only known her two weeks, yet he also makes numerous allusions to her past, allusions so vivid and specific that, if imagined, they must be those of a madman (and thus I'm correct in assuming he's rather unreliable; and after all, that "to ruin horses" bit evokes an eerie Equus aura to the narrator). I appreciate the details you provide that connect him to her in more personal, tangible ways, such as the bees in the sock, his watching of her riding the horse, how it reminds him of how she must have been as a girl. But I think more is needed. As of right now, I think there is a bit of a disconnect between the two. Perhaps that is intentional, to dramatize even further the incredulity of him forcing himself upon her at the conclusion. Still, might be something to contemplate.

I also promised to address what I called the "occasional pitfall" of this style of writing, and that is when description can bog down the movement of a story, when the reader's interest might waver or disengage from the story itself. For the most part you've evaded this nasty little trap, but in this paragraph

I don't get meat quite yet. I eat the potato salad, which should be famous, considering the audacity of the sweltering onions. She wipes her hands on her jeans, against her thighs. She does not debate God with anyone. If you can tell everything there is about a man by his handshake, you can likewise tell about a woman by the uprising angle of her chin from the floor, as if the pulse in her throat was the dangle of an astrolabe and you could calculate how many men she has shamed by the height of the stars in her eyes. Boys have died for lesser angles, for it is well known that love is a geometry—a logarithm in passion, an asymptote in middle-aged settling, a triangle in blackfooted, roadside affairs. It is hard for me to see circles, as you might think, and comprehend them, and squares are so achingly four-walled.


I'm not a big fan of the geometry metaphor. It's creative yet not, ultimately, necessary to the piece. It fattens out the text to where it's unwieldy, when it should be lean and agile.

After all, she is the same age as the aunts and childless hippies who wear their gray hair in desperate braids, improbable as the fertility of mules, wearing strap sandals that leave clammy tan-lines in September.


Now here I have a nitpick. Normally I love your similes and metaphors, I appreciate the decidedly rural, old-fashioned feel of them. This bolded simile, however, does not work for me at all, simply because comparing women and mules just feels... awkward. I mean, upon scrutiny, it's a shaky metaphor anyway. Not sure why you need it. But, I hate nitpicks. Just thought I'd throw that out there.

And now, I will leave you with a few lines that I just adored--for their specificity, their color, their elegance.

But she is well-preserved—avoids modern poetry, new teas, and Buddhist temples to good results. She fits into those blue jeans very nicely next to her husband with sleeves rolled up to reveal brown forearms traced with the white penmanship of informal scars.


This man has pulled twenty-two stumps from uncleared land with thick chain. He has fallen off a roof twice. He branded his own cows, pressed his cheek against their cord neck as they thrashed in the dirt with knees and felt the unison of blood in systemic crochet. Yes, you can tell that from a handshake.


On the desks, there are framed pictures of her husband, and also her accomplishments, and their wedding, busting with the silk of a magician's sleeve. I move toward the kitchen. I do not slink, but I am curious. I have only known her two weeks, after all. There are things that still surprise me.


Hope I was able to shed some light on what I believe were your intended themes here! Overall I very much enjoyed this piece. You're wonderfully adept at metaphor, at the looping movements of prose, and of course at summoning the appropriate atmosphere. I'd love to understand more fully your intentions when you were writing this piece, since attempting to unravel it was such a delight for me.

P.S.
You may have done this already, but I suggest a quick read-through of the piece again, since I did notice a few small typos, a missing word or an extra word here or there. I didn't point them out on here since it isn't significant to the piece itself.



See the world. It's more fantastic than any dream made or paid for in factories. Ask for no guarantees, ask for no security.
— Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451