Scarlette's Way

Chapter one:
The atmosphere was one before a hurricane, calm, but one could tell that something dangerous was on its way. The bare streets were still, nothing shifting on the naked two lane asphalt. The streetlights flickered, unusually because they were the solar powered kind, and the majority of the hours today were filled to the brim with beautiful sunlight. No soul dared to go outside because they would surely never return. They all knew why. Everyone knew why. Legend told that demons, under the guise as twin girls, one a flaming red and the other the ice blond roamed this area, vengeful spirits that would come and eat you. This was the bogey-man story that parents had told their children for generations, but through all of these years they had begun to believe it themselves and eventually no one ventured outside on this day and night.

A teen, no more than eighteen tried his luck. His name was Gabriel Simon. Emancipated since the age of ten, he and his sister Mariabeth (“No one calls me that. Everyone calls me Beth” Beth muttered to herself every time Gabriel introduces them) lived in this little township, making friends and slowly fitting in. Max’s beanie covered head bobbed out of his little Toyota and his head and the rest of his body made their way towards the convenience store that was on the corner of Rackard Avenue and Lot Road where he saw the grocer, a sad looking man with droopy brown eyes and a tuft of hair with an apron on which looked like it was splattered with something black and congealing stood behind the counter laden with candies and chocolates that distracted him slightly. Brightly coloured wrappers shouting equally bright names blasted the young man, and Gabriel had to admit, he was tempted. But he ripped his gaze away so he could get the milk carton and other necessities that his sister had kindly placed on his list.
Milk, bread, coffee, pop-corn…
As Gabriel meandered through the aisles, repeating the list under his breath so he could remember it, he saw the lights flicker, and the sad-looking man swear. Gabriel finally made his way to the counter again and they were scanned by the grocer. Money was exchanged and Gabriel was going to depart.
“The worst night for you to be out boy.” The Grocer said in a malevolent tone that sounded like he was enjoying playing along with this legend. “The twins like boys like you.”
Gabriel had heard about the legends. If it wasn’t so disturbing that the whole town knew and believed the story, he would’ve properly enjoyed it.
“Hm.” Was all the way that Gabriel could reply, a shivering wind ripped through his clothes. Gabriel looked over to the grocer and the grocer returned his gaze.
“Be careful.” The grocer warned as Gabriel walked towards the door.
----
Gabriel got home in relative safety. It had begun to get darker and Venus could be seen on the horizon. He killed the engine, exited the car (with the groceries) and made his way through the wind and practically hurled himself into the warmth of the home he shared with his sister. It was a pokey single level apartment that sat on the edge of town on McCain road. It was deliciously warm and Gabriel packed the groceries away and glanced around. It wasn’t this quiet, especially if Beth was here. He was half-expecting bassy music reverberating through the walls of the apartment, but there wasn’t. Something was wrong. He poked his head around the corner of the room to find his sister with the gas heater on two bars, talking to a woman. She was happy, and when Gabriel stood in the door way, the other woman in the conversation was about the same age as he was. The scary thing was, she had seemingly natural scarlet.
“I forgot to introduce my brother.” Beth said. “This is Gabriel.” Beth flung her hand up towards her brother and the expression on her face was a disgruntled one.
“He is what you described him.” The woman complimented, her voice sweet, although not overly, and the way that she smiled reminded him of something. Something from long ago, something dim
in his memory. “Perfectly.”
“Thanks.” Gabriel said, a blush creeping into his cheeks. He didn’t know how to take that.
“I forgot to introduce myself.” The woman said. “My name is Ariadne. But people usually call me Scarlette.” She stood and held her hand out for a handshake. Beth was making a fuss, but Gabriel shook it. The shake was a little too long and Scarlette took her hand back.
“Is it April the third today?” Scarlette asked Beth, who nodded. “That is why the townsfolk aren’t walking around.”
“So you know about their legend?” Beth asked as Scarlette returned to the seat across from Beth. Gabriel was intrigued.
“My sister and I are the main characters of that little story.” Scarlette said with a small smile.

When I heard the beginning, I immediately predicted that he meets the twins and they'll try to eat him. I hope I'm wrong, or else it's not going to attract any attention.
That being said, I love those kind of stories. If it's not the ordinary type of story, I'll eagerly await the next chapter. It also seemed kind of short.

Hi Cio, do you like the site so far? I hope you do! Alright, so, this first chapter, but like all pieces of writing it can be improved! I only have a few things I want to say about this so it may be short.

The first thing I noticed was you give a few info dumps. Info dumps are places in a story where the writer ends up giving a bunch of information about their characters or worlds all at once. This isn't good because they are usually boring to read and the reader usually forgets a lot of the information. You want to give information in small doses so that we can register and remember it. An example of one of your info dumps is when you tell us how Mariabeth always muttered to herself that no one actually called herself that when Gabriel introduced her. Yes, getting this information will help us to know her character, but it was all a bit confusing and I lost track of what we were talking about.

Another thing I noticed about your writing is that you describe everything, and I mean everything. You don't need to give so many details. Here is a sentence you wrote that is particularly bad because of this tenancy:

He killed the engine, exited the car (with the groceries) and made his way through the wind and practically hurled himself into the warmth of the home he shared with his sister.

We will assume the parts in bold. You don't need to explain every little part to us. Doesn't this sound much better?:

He exited the car, and made his way through the wind into the warmth of his and his sister's.

As you noticed I also said ' his and his sister's house not 'the home he shared with his sister'. My version is a bit shorter. Now, it may not seem like a big difference, but you could do this with a lot of your sentences. You need to learn to use as few words as possible, but still tell the story. Too many words get piled up like manure, and who wants piled up manure?

Well, besides that you had kind of a lot of grammar problems. You had some problems with your speech. You also had some run-on and incomplete sentences. But there are plenty of sites where you can learn grammar rules and the more you write the better you will get at noticing your grammar problems. If you want some help to edit the grammar in this chapter send me a P.M. You can also P.M. me if you have any questions, you want another review, or you just want to talk!

Hope I helped,

Calli

Hey CCB! Spitfire here to review for the First Chapter contest!!

ciociobutterfly wrote:They all knew why. Everyone knew why.

This is unnecessary repetition.

ciociobutterfly wrote:Legend told that demons, under the guise as twin girls, one a flaming red and the other the an ice blond roamed this area, vengeful spirits that would come and eat you.

I find you should change "eat" for "devour", only because this sentence sounds so eloquent, yet when you say eat it kinda ruins the flow of it. Devour sounds more fitting with the rest of the sentence.

ciociobutterfly wrote:This was the bogey-man story that parents had told their children for generations, but through all of these those years they had begun to believe it themselves and eventually no one ventured outside on this day and night.

This sentence is too long, it feels like your stretching it out. instead try this; "This was the bogey-man story that parents had told their children for generations, but through all of those years they had begun to believe it themselves. Eventually people stopped venturing outside on this day and night."

ciociobutterfly wrote: Emancipated since the age of ten, he and his sister Mariabeth (“No one calls me that. Everyone calls me Beth” Beth muttered to herself every time Gabriel introduces them) lived in this little township, making friends and slowly fitting in.

Okay, the part in orange needs to be removed. It can be put somewhere else in the story, but at the stage we're in, we don't know her, so nobody really cares what people call her. I highly suggest it be put elsewhere.

ciociobutterfly wrote: Max’s beanie covered head bobbed out of his little Toyota and his head and the rest of his body made their way towards the convenience store that was on the corner of Rackard Avenue and Lot Road where he saw the grocer, a sad looking man with droopy brown eyes and a tuft of hair with an apron on which looked like it was splattered with something black and congealing stood behind the counter laden with candies and chocolates that distracted him slightly.

First of all, this sentence is wayyy too long! We totally lose sight of what you were trying to say 'cause there's so much said!

Second of all, who is Max? One minute you're talking about Gabriel and Beth and now you're talking about Max and some grocer?! I'm confused! Plus I don't even know if Max is human or a dog (my dog is named Max)...
You need to go over this part and include something as to how you go from these two characters to the next. (Do they see Max moving about or are they thinking of him?)

Third of all, who's Toyota is it? Max or Gabriel's? And who's body is moving? This sentence needs restructuring as well as shortening as I'm confused about the whole thing.

ciociobutterfly wrote:“The worst night for you to be out boy.” The Grocer said in a malevolent tone that sounded like he was enjoying playing along with this legend. “The twins like boys like you.”

This isn't how you put punctuation for a dialogue, so here's an article for Dialogue punctuation . And just to tell you, you should've written: "The worst night for you to be out boy," the grocer said in a malevolent tone (...)

ciociobutterfly wrote:If it wasn’t so disturbing that the whole town knew and believed the story, he would’ve properly enjoyed it.

I'm not sure if you meant to write properly or probably...

ciociobutterfly wrote:“Hm,” Wwas all the way that Gabriel could reply, a shivering wind ripped through his clothes. Gabriel looked over to the grocer and the grocer returned his gaze.

*ripping

ciociobutterfly wrote:She was happy, and when Gabriel stood in the door way doorway, he noticed the other woman in the conversation was about the same age as he was. The scary thing was, she had seemingly natural scarlet hair??.

You'll have to be careful, you seem to forget words from time to time , which makes your sentences hard to comprehend. Like at the end, I guess you meant she has natural scarlet hair...(??)

ciociobutterfly wrote:“I forgot to introduce my brother,” Beth said. “This is Gabriel.” Beth flung her hand up towards her brother and the expression on her face was a disgruntled one.

Again, you must watch for your dialogue punctuation.

ciociobutterfly wrote:“He is what as you described him,” Tthe woman complimented, her voice sweet, although not overly, and the way that she smiled reminded him of something. Something from long ago, something dim
in his memory. “Perfectly.”

ciociobutterfly wrote:“Thanks,” Gabriel said, a blush creeping into his cheeks. He didn’t know how to take that.

ciociobutterfly wrote:“I forgot to introduce myself,” Tthe woman said. “My name is Ariadne. But people usually call me Scarlette.” She stood and held her hand out for a handshake.

ciociobutterfly wrote:“My sister and I are the main characters of that little story,” Scarlette said with a small smile.

Huh. I was expecting him to get kidnapped by one of the twins, not that she'd be in his appartment already XD !!
Okay, so I'm finished reading, on to my thoughts.

Characters
Your main characters, Gabriel and Beth, need some depth to them. We know nothing of them, not their personnality or their physiology. We need some of both. Their physical descriptions need to be given little bits at a time and their personnalities need to be shown in their actions, reactions and ways of expressing themselves.

Also, why was he emancipated? And from what was he released? You say he was emancipated at the age of ten, then how long ago was that? How old are he and his sister? (we especially need to know for him as he says Scarlette looks like she's the same age)

Surroundings
You also need to describe your characters' surroundings a little. Especially when you have important locations like the appartment, for instance. It's where Gabriel and Beth live, and where he meets Scarlette, so it's an important place. Therefore it needs to be described.

And that's about it. Your story plot, the whole "twin demon" thing, is a good idea. It sounds promising, you just need to work on the details and watch out for your punctuation and phrasing.
The best of luck
Spitfire