Pain beneath perfection

Her hair looked like warm chocolate and

Her caramel-coloured skin was flawless.

She'd smile sweetly and her sugar coated words

Would make you think there was no one more perfect in the world.

You'd think her heart was soft like cotton candy,

That nothing could stop her smiling

That bubblegum smile,

Like she hadn't a care in the world.


No one saw her battered, broken wings,

Ragged and jagged and twisted like thorns.

No one noticed the sore heart that pumped sorrow

Through her charcoal veins.

She listened like a saint to every broken fairytale,

Every heartbreak, every hate-filled and hurt-fuelled melody

That wounded warriors sang.


She listened and she learned, the songs of the heart and

The darkness of the mind.

It baffled her and she grew weary.

She had an old soul, old before her time

And it wore her down.

She couldn't confide in anyone; she was there to be the confidante

For everyone.


They needn't know of her private heartbreak,

It was a burden she must herself carry.

Being lost and sorrowful was all she knew.

She didn't know that she was perfect on the outside,

And no one else knew she was broken on the inside.

Wow. This was great! You really put your point across and used good imagery to boot.
Nitpicks:

RainbowSnailXD wrote:Her hair looked like warm chocolate and

Her caramel-coloured skin was flawless.

She'd smile sweetly and her sugar coated words

Would make you think there was no one more perfect in the world.

You'd think her heart was soft like cotton candy,

That nothing could stop her smiling

That bubblegum smile,

Like she hadn't a care in the world.


No one saw her battered, broken wings,

Ragged and jagged and twisted like thorns.

No one noticed the sore heart that pumped sorrow

Through her charcoal veins.

She listened like a saint to every broken fairytale,

Every heartbreak, every hate-filled and hurt-fuelled melody I'd either go with hate-filled or hurt-fuelled here, not both...it sounds a little weird and breaks up the nice flow

That wounded warriors sang.


She listened and she learned, the songs of the heart and

The darkness of the mind.

It baffled her and she grew weary.

She had an old soul, old before her time

And it wore her down.

She couldn't confide in anyone; I'd put a line break here, but that's just me[she was there to be the confidante

For everyone.


They needn't know of her private heartbreak,

It was a burden she must herself carry.

Being lost and sorrowful was all she knew.

She didn't know that she was perfect on the outside,

And no one else knew she was broken on the inside. Beautiful ending.

Great job!! *likes*

This is great. I often eschew free verse, but I really enjoyed it. I especially enjoyed the second stanza. Some particularly inspired lines there. Great concept, and good execution

A few technical corrections, however;

1. Format: The large line gaps make it difficult to read. Unless it is done for a specific effect that I've not grasped, I recommend you stick to the conventional format.

2. Punctuation: Just a few minor corrections and recommendations.

Her hair looked like warm chocolate, and

She'd smile sweetly, and her sugar coated words

Ragged, and jagged, and twisted like thorns.

This line is fine like it is, but I'd put the commas there to make the reader pause and contemplate each adjective.

She listened, and she learned the songs of the heart and

It baffled her, and she grew weary.

She had an old soul, old before her time,

They needn't know of her private heartbreak;

Read it aloud, and put commas anywhere you naturally pause.

3. Composition: There are two lines I would change:

She couldn't confide in anyone; she was there to be the confidante

This could probably be better as two lines;

"She couldn't confide in anyone;
she was there to be the confidante"

Being lost and sorrowful was all she knew.

This line does not really make sense where it is. The idea doesn't mesh terribly well with those around it. It fits better into the mood of the second stanza.

Finally, I must disagree with Cibigiraffe; I personally thought the juxtaposition of 'hate-filled' and 'hurt-fueled' was very clever (except 'fueled' only has one 'l' ).

All in all, I like it. Good content and theme. A few tweaks of the execution and it'll be a great piece

K

This is cute, but completely expected and typical. Nothing jumps out at me, nothing surprises me. The emotion falls flat because this drones on despite your attempts to play with sound and rhythm, as well as several other techniques that overall left no impact or real weight in the poem.

You are telling to death in this poem. Cramming us full with what you see while you write. Cramming into us your mind. The hopeful thing is you have examples of metaphor and imagery that actually accentuate something. But you never take us somewhere different with any of it, at all.

You need control in your writing, and badly. Figure out exactly what needs to be shown and the very little that needs to be told. Then start over and create an experience I can't predict from the first two lines.

edit: I looked at your other poem and found it interesting. You have promise kid.

I liked your poem. I thought that while it may not be the MOST original concept, you made it different enough that I didn't quit reading halfway through. I liked your word choice, and that's from someone who gets VERY obsessive over word choice, so good job.

Even though this was cliche as others have pointed out, I still enjoyed reading it, and think you did a nice job. I agree that you should take out the huge gaps between lines; they are unnecessary and irritating. "Sugar-coated" should probably have a line inbetween....other then that I really can't see anything *quickly scans poem*. Anywho, very cute piece, and while you could maybe make it more 'original', for those of us who like little narratives like this, it's fine the way it is. If you changed it into a huge imagery, hard-to-understand poem, it wouldn't be the same work.

She didn't know that she was perfect on the outside,And no one else knew she was broken on the inside.

I really like the ending lines.... this is a good poem! I agree that the extra spaces in between words are kinda distracting, but other than that I can't really find anything. (I'm not good at reviews.. sorry!)

She didn't know that she was perfect on the outside,And no one else knew she was broken on the inside.

I really like the ending lines.... this is a good poem! I agree that the extra spaces in between words are kinda distracting, but other than that I can't really find anything. (I'm not good at reviews.. sorry!)

She didn't know that she was perfect on the outside,And no one else knew she was broken on the inside.

I really like the ending lines.... this is a good poem! I agree that the extra spaces in between words are kinda distracting, but other than that I can't really find anything. (I'm not good at reviews.. sorry!)