Smile

Another vignette I wrote for English while studying The House on Mango Street


Smile, he says. So I smile big as the sun and the camera flashes and burns my eyes with a thousand sparkling diamonds. Crouching in the dirt, gritty little pieces coating my hands like flour. My fire in front of me. A ring of stones, each one almost as big as my fist. Little sticks and orange and green and brown leaves nestled inside, comfy and cozy.

Smile, he says and I squat in the dirt wearing my red shirt with Riverbear on it that says I Go Bananas over Riverside and smile as she whispers, So cute. And they share a special look. Sam laughs at me and looks at my fire like he wants to stomp on it. And he and she, they think I’m cute.

But me, I’m not cute. I’m proud. I’m proud of my fire, proud like in kindergarten when we sang songs wearing pink and yellow plastic sunglasses shaped like stars and she said, So cute. And he smiled. Proud like in third grade when I danced in black with colored scarves swirling like tropical birds and she said, So big. And he smiled. Proud like when I was Tiger Lily and yelled Ugga-Wugga Meatball! And she said, Our big girl. And he smiled at me.

I’m proud of my fire. Not cute, not sweet, proud. So big. Mom and Daddy think I’m their little girl. They think that I will always be So cute. I will always be the baby in the family. But I know some day I’ll grow up. Big and tall, like Daddy. And then I can be proud, and they’ll look at me and be proud too.

Hi there!

Aww this is so sad. And I only say that because my sister is the youngest kid in the family and I love her more than anything. But we don't really treat her like a baby, which is good I guess. I think that's because she's never acted like a baby, while I do (I'm the oldest :O). Anyways, onto the review!

I don't really actually have anything negative to say about this. I think you might have rambled on a bit, but that's what a vignette is, isn't it? An idea and then you ramble on about it for a couple more paragraphs. I think if you are going to ramble, you should come up with new ways to say something. Don't keep using your 'I'm not cute," thing, even though I know that's a big idea in this. Use something different, like 'I'm not a baby,' or something like that. You catch my drift, and now I'm rambling.

I would also suggest making the 'she said' 'he said' things clearer. I thought this was a boy saying this and then you come out with a girl speaking to her, and it gets very confusing. And then I thought you were writing in third person for a second and you actually were writing in first. I'd seriously take the time to break down your vignette and figure out what story you're telling and how you're telling it, that way you won't be confused and neither will I. xD

I like this, it was refreshing, cute and kind if taught me something.

Write on!

Classy

hey

I really wanted to come and review and say something meaningful that will help you but - darn it, there's very little I can say. That's all your fault

So I'll tell you what I loved to pad out this pointless "review":

> I loved the pacing. Really short, but not in any way rushed. Just a little snapshot (like a vignette - funny that ) and it really works.

My fire in front of me. A ring of stones, each one almost as big as my fist. Little sticks and orange and green and brown leaves nestled inside, comfy and cozy.

Nice, nice, nice. Love it. Exactly the kind of thing I thought myself as a crazy little child with a lot of time and a garden.

Smile, he says and I squat in the dirt wearing my red shirt with Riverbear on it that says I Go Bananas over Riverside and smile as she whispers, So cute.

I really like how you at no point in this use names, but the characters are so real - all the little details that would be so natural to them, described simply as if you were describing a picture, or vignette - LOL, just like what you said! Funny that...

So, to summarise - very very nice. I like your style: it's really clear, you don't fall into being pedantic, nice range of sentence structures and similes etc etc. Your characterisation is clear and believable, and it is glaringly obvious that is is that to you too - something a lot of people (shamefully including myself) often forget is vital. And yes I am rambling, and yes I did love it

~*cottonrulz*~