Carly with no Daddy

This is a vignette that I wrote for English class when we were studying The House on Mango Street. Enjoy!



Daddy is crying. Sparkly tears like glass. But splat not shatter as they fall. Tears on hands, sliding down, dropping onto his lap. Watermarks on brown pants. Tears that fall onto my cheeks when he kisses me on the forehead. Now I am crying his tears. What’s wrong? But he can’t say. And the television. Usually off, black, empty like a deserted parking lot. On now like in bad, cheesy, cigar-smell restaurants. Everyone crying. Flames and smoke and everyone sobbing. Until mommy sees me looking and presses OFF and the TV snaps to black.

Daddy twisting his hands like he is wringing water from a washcloth. Mommy tells me Be extra-nice to Carly. Carly’s daddy left when the big buildings fell over. Carly with flower-patterned leggings. Carly with short hair. Carly who could be a boy or a girl, but I can’t tell. Carly with lots of grown up brothers and sisters.

Carly has no daddy. And my daddy is crying. My daddy is crying but Carly has no daddy. Her tears are not her daddy’s drip-dropping onto her cheeks but her own. Carly with the flower patterned leggings. Carly with no daddy.

This is amazing, I loved it. You are so talented. Keep up the great job!

I remember this. <3
Always thought it was funny what kids remember. You know how sometimes you read something that seems really familiar even though it's so different from your own experiences? That's this.

Hello there.

Great piece really sad, and a big emotion trigger.

Carly’s daddy left when the big buildings fell over.

I'm guessing 9/11? Please tell me if I'm wrong, but that's what hit me hard in this piece, was that part right there.

Mommy tells me, "Be extra-nice to Carly."

I would put it like this, so there's some dialogue in there, but not too much.

You did wonderfully on showing but not telling This made me think of/ see a little girl and her father, with him holding her and him crying. I saw alot of people in a living room doing some kind of memorial service.
A depressing scene, and even more so when you mentioned Carly and her having lost her father.

My daddy is crying but Carly has no daddy. Her tears are not her daddy’s drip-dropping onto her cheeks but her own. Carly with the flower patterned leggings. Carly with no daddy.

The very ending. The pure GEM! This part made me want to cry my own tears and all.
You are a very talented writer, someone who knows how to use their words.

Keep writing! Let me know when you post more!
--Ash

Wow. I was really surprised with how nice this was.

I loved the details that you chose to share with the reader: the idea that the tears splat not shatter, the watermarks on his pants, and Carly and her beautiful flower patterned leggings. These bring the scene to life, and being able to find those details is a hard talent to capture, so I'm glad that you have it to work with.

There are just a few things I'd like to see.

First of all:

And the television. Usually off, black, empty like a deserted parking lot. On now like in bad, cheesy, cigar-smell restaurants. Everyone crying. Flames and smoke and everyone sobbing. Until mommy sees me looking and presses OFF and the TV snaps to black.

This is VERY important to the piece, and I love the idea of the "bad, cheesy, cigar-smell(ing?) restaurants", the association of the television with those places. But you got a little heavy handed when you tried to say "usually off" and added the simile there. You might want to try to find a different way to bring attention to it. Maybe she almost forgot they had a tv or something like that. Also, switching from one person crying to everyone crying is jarring. Maybe introduce us to the scene on the tv with an image of the flames and smoke instead of just everyone crying.

I also have just a couple of practical questions lingering, and if they could somehow be answered, I'd be so satisfied with this piece.

Why is everyone at home? Where is Carly in relation to them? And how do they know that Carly doesn't have a daddy right away? Was there a phone call that alerted them to the truth? Why does the speaker know that Carly is crying? It's important to keep the speaker's connection to Carly, and it's a lot stronger than if this were from Carly's perspective, so again, that's a SKILLED choice and I love it. But why do they know about Carly? Creative problem solve it UP, fix these little holes, and it'll be so nice.

Oh, and I love the associations that the girl makes to Carly, about her leggings, her hair, how she could be a boy or a girl, her sisters and everything. They're all great and real. So much awesome in this piece. Just clear away the little questions, yeah?

Let me know if you have any questions!

Thank you!
Hannah