Call This Hell

I was on the run. I had to escape where I lived before those bandits found me and made me fit for a cemetery! All I could think of was running. Running away and leaving that mad place. I knew I couldn’t run forever; couldn’t escape with only my feet. Yet, I was wiling to try, I mean, we were talking about my LIFE here. Whatever it took to reach safety, I knew I was ready to do it without hesitation.
I found myself in a really nasty neighborhood. I could see people everywhere. They were all dirty; repugnant to look at really. Dirty hair, dirty ragged clothes, yellow teeth when their mouths were bared in grimaces…They were just frightening to look at. It become quite obvious to me that I was in a slum; one of those slums in New York that I never believed I would see in reality. All of them street people seemed to be walking without energy, like if they were under control of some kind of drug or something. Many were also lying down in cardboards…they used it for shelter as they had no proper house to live in. Only dirt everywhere. Trash everywhere. I was finally coming face to face with the street people; I could see the poor conditions they lived in, and honestly, I was horrified.

I felt strongly intoxicated. My nose seemed blocked. I thought I might choke on the horrifying smell; the acrid smell of human (and who knows maybe even animal) dung, which filled the air. It infiltrated my nose, went down to my lungs and left me breathless. Too disgusted was I, to even open my mouth to cough; ‘cause I knew I would only take in more unwanted toxic air. The smell in this place was abominable; too horrible for words really.

My feet suddenly felt heavy. It took much more effort to lift each foot. What was happening? Why was the ground suddenly so mushy and sticky? I looked down. What I saw made me shiver. There was a red bloody mess on the concrete floor. (Well I strongly suppose it was blood.) I could also see tiny body parts: A small hand there, a foot sprawled somewhere else, an eye…I think it was a dead baby. Not only dead, but savagely run over by a car probably. I thought I would puke.


Unfortunately, I had to open my mouth- to breathe anyways. When I did, I could even taste the air. The horrible air. It felt so bitter in mouth; the pungent smell was just too much. So bad it was that I frankly wondered if I was ever going to be able to taste food normally again. I was half sure that my tasting buds in my mouth were severely damaged.

I don’t think my tasting buds would be the only things damaged tonight. My ears felt like they might explode at any time from now. The noise was seriously appalling. This was REAL noise pollution. Babies screaming everywhere, old men breathing in a laborious way, drunk women screaming out insanities…in short, the noise was just unbearable. I needed to get out of here, and FAST!

I ran even faster than before; my speed accelerating all by itself as my organism was getting really sick of this detestable slum. Finally, I was back to the New York I had always known. The tall skyscraper, the five stars hotels and restaurants, the apartments…yes. This was the posh New York I knew. Finally some good natural fresh air to breathe in. No horrible smell, no disgusting things to see, no reason for my ear buds to get busted. In short, I felt wholly good again; and I continued my relentless run against time…to preserve my life.

hi there you joined on my birthday! irrelevant information, but still. nice coincidence...

I liked your story, but in parts it was quite unclear. The opening was snappy and emphasised the mortal danger your protagonist was in, but then until the final paragraph you make no further mention - to the point where I kind of forgot about that and was pulled into your very nicely detailed descriptions of the horror of this slum, until you mentioned it again and I was a bit like "huh?" You might want to slip in just a couple of passing references, because even in that awful place your character would have it on the back of their minds.

I wanted to make some stylistic suggestions to you, but please remember this is just my personal taste, and you are perfectly free to think "this person knows nothing!" and ignore all of it if you don't feel happy with changing anything

Yet, I was wiling to try, I mean, we were talking about my LIFE here.

A few times in this you capitalised words to emphasise them within the sentence - generally putting them in italics is better (although I know when you post on YWS you have to italics them within the publish box, which can be a bit of a faff so if that is what you usually do, great! and ignore me )

Too disgusted was I, to even open my mouth to cough; ‘cause I knew I would only take in more unwanted toxic air.

Hmm, interesting linguistics here. You try to use - what's the right word? - very English English at the beginning with the "Too disgusted was I" because I bet that's not how you usually speak yourself: you usually say "'cause", and I know that because you put it right in the next clause. I'm not sure if this works - or even if the first half makes sense, although I see that you were wanting to start with something other than "I was". Maybe try something more like this: "Even the idea of coughing repulsed me, as the toxic air so disgusted me" or "I was too disgusted even to open my mouth to cough, 'cause I knew I would only take in more unwanted toxic air."
Also, you can't really put "to even open", as that's called a split infinitive and is something you should try to avoid when writing. the verb is "to open", and when you have it like that in a sentence, you shouldn't really put the adverb in the middle: "even to open" or "to open even" are much better (even though it might feel a little strange at first, it's a good habit to get into )

The smell in this place was abominable; too horrible for words really.

Several times you add a little "really" at the end of a sentence. Really? In a piece this concise and powerful, every word has to have impact, and I think you have more impact without the "really", even though you want to show just how horrible it is: "The smell in this place was abominable; too horrible for words." Do you see how before, the "really" kind of made it a throwaway sentence? Now, the simple shortness of "too horrible for words." punches the point into the reader.

There are a few other slips, nothing that a good second read-through wouldn't fix, and when you do just keep in mind what effect exactly you want to create, what impression you want to leave on the reader - make it powerful. The ideas here are really strong, and if you make the bits where you really show these ideas just as strong, you will have a piece to reckoned with. Nice one
~*cottonrulz*~

Hello there
I'm going to start out with nitpicks, and I'm not trying to be mean i swear.
I liked your story, but it was kind of hard to follow like why was she running from bandits? Why was she as disgusted with the homeless and didn't feel pity or wanting to help them? It also seemed like you repeated some words in places, and it gave me the sense of not really understanding the scene. So, a second-read through might do you some good, maybe revise some words instead of using "dirty" and "disgusting" to always describe the homeless, use "Horrid" or "grotesque" or "filthy", to help you from repeating yourself in the same paragraph 10 or more times. And in the second paragraph, fourth sentence after "grimaces", you probably shouldn't put 3 periods, because that shows something is being questioned, at least in my mind it does. And it shouldn't be in the middle of a paragraph.

Overall, the descriptions were very detailed and helped me visualize it very well. You explained the scene well too, so that I could understand what was going on around that character, and kind of her thoughts about it as well. You also gave the scene a good mood to follow up with it; eriee, dark, and very disgusting, kind of place, with grim faces. Very nice touch on explaining that the homeless had grim, dark looks about them! This tells me that the character is aware of the things around her, but not quite sure of how to process it all. You also had a great writing style

You did a fantastic job! And I hope to see more pieces!
Hope I wasn't too harsh!

--Ash