You should put it into novel mode so it's easier to read. I'm not sure that "eerie" is spelled right. "As he pulled on a black cloak and grabbed a sword the neighbors slept soundly, unaware of his intentions" is a run-on sentence. The ending of the chapter doesn't seem like the best place to end the chapter, in my opinion. You should say how old Wrong is, because calling him "the boy" makes him seem younger than his actions show that he is. I liked it, it sounds interesting and you did a good job at "hooking" me.
When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people. -Abraham Joshua Heschel
This is very good! You are good at creating suspense and moving the plot well. That said, you could have made the chapter a little longer, or built the suspense even more. I'm interested in where this story is going. You have a really solid base for a good story. Keep up the good work!
"I don't cause commotions, I am one." Elphaba (Wicked the musical)
Hey Cailey! Thanks so much for entering the First Chapter Contest!
This chapter was pretty well written. I didn’t find any nitpick-y grammar mistakes or anything, so great job! Really, there’s just one thing I’d like to talk about.
Throughout the chapter, there seems to be a good representation of the What, but not of the Why. What I mean by this is, we see a lot of what is happening but we don’t get anything regarding why it’s happening. I think maybe this was done in order to build mystery and suspense, but without any hint as to why anything is happening it almost backfires.
As it is, the reader is left completely in the dark about why anything is happening. The main character (who I don’t even know if he’s named in the chapter?) is leaving, goes through the city, and then leaves. There’s no point to it. Now, I’m not saying to completely reveal everything about the situation, that defeats the purpose of suspense/hook.
What I suggest is give the reader some reason why he’s leaving. Is someone after him? Is there some danger for him if he stays? Has he simply tired of being there? What he really needs is some motivation, and that motivation needs to at least be suggested to the reader. This way, the suspense is still there but added to by the reader wanting to know if he achieves whatever his motivation drives him to achieve.
Other than that, good chapter! It could use some fleshing out, some expanding, but that could come just as well from throwing in some motivation.
Good job and thanks again for entering the contest!
Don't sit down and write because you're a writer; sit down and write because you have something to say. And if the sea of ideas isn't flowing, well, just tell me about your day. — OrabellaAvenue
