Piece by Piece [1]

Chapter 1

She’s dead.
Sara is dead and it’s my fault.
She didn’t die because of her parents, or the screaming girl inside her head that wanted to get out, she died because of me.
I didn’t answer her urgent phone calls or text messages. Sara died because I didn’t pick up the damn phone.

My mother clicks buttons on her Blackberry. She scowls at a few things as her fingers tap on the keyboard.
I cautiously tiptoe into the room.
“Ali, your father just called me again. Can you just call him back or something?"
“Okay,” I go to the table and pick up the telephone receiver. The cord snakes around my body as I dial my father’s number.
“Hello?” a woman answers.
“Um, hey, Cathy... it’s Ali. Is dad home?” I ask.
There’s a beat of silence. “Hang on a sec, Ali.”
My father’s voice cuts in. “Hi, honey.”
“Hi,” I whisper.
“We’re sorry about Sara, dear. We saw the paper.” He says. “We’re here for you.”
“It’s okay,” I try. “We weren’t that close. I’m not upset.”
“It’s a lie, and you know it. My death is killing you.” Sara says.
“I... dad... I have to go.” I cut him off. I hang up before he can reply.
Mom slips her phone into the pocket of her blazer. She clears her throat before she speaks. “That wasn’t very nice, Alison...”
I roll my eyes. “I know.”
“Dinner will be ready soon,” She says. “Go do your homework while I’m cooking.”
I scowl before stomping upstairs. As I pass the threshold of my room, a wave of shock washes over me.
She’s dead, and it was my fault. She’ll never speak again, she’ll never sing in the shower again. Sara and I will never have a chance to fix up our friendship.

I let her die. I let her die because my stupid cell phone was driving me crazy and I didn’t want to answer it.
And I don’t even know if she was sincere about the phone calls, or if she was drunk-dialling, or if she might’ve been actually trying to sucker me back into being her friend, even though everything that happened was all her fault.
My cell phone is lying on the floor, right underneath the indent it made when I threw it at the wall last night.
I carefully pick it up, and open it. 30 MISSED ALERTS the screen says. I inhale sharply and click VIEW.
Thirty missed messages and phone calls from Sara, starting at 3.18 AM on Monday.
I click CHECK ALERTS and hold my breath as I force myself to listen to the voice of my dead, ex-best friend.

3:18 AM: “I hope this is the right number...” a pause. “It’s me, Sara. Listen, Ali... if you get this, can you call me? I need to talk to you.”
3:23 AM: “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to do those things. I... can you call me, or text me, please?”
3:30 AM: “Al, I miss you. I’m sorry I was so bitchy.”
3:33 AM, her voice is starting to thicken and slur: “I miss you. Miss you so much... Call me and come find me. We can share this bottle—”
3:37 AM: “I don’t know where to go. I’m losing it. I almost... It won’t be long now, Alison.”
3:39 AM: “Alison Evans… I can’t wait until you see what you’ve done.”

I throw the phone at my closet doors so hard that it nearly shatters.

I don’t think I want to go to her funeral.

Hi there. First of all, I hope this isn't a true story and I'm going to have to assume that it isn't since it's being posted in fiction. However, it is very powerful regardless. I don't have very many nitpicks. One thing, as a reader, that I would appreciate is if you would put a space between every line. Because there are no indentations it is hard to read otherwise. You did an excellent job with a hook here. After reading the first four lines I was totally into it and wanted to hear exactly what happened, so nice job on that.

I think the dialogue is a bit confusing. There are a lot of names--who is Cathy? Why aren't Ali and her father living together? Because this is the first chapter that's fine, but make sure you explain some of it pretty soon.

As for the end, I think you did a nice job closing it while leaving more for the reader to wait for. I'm excited to read the next part--if you PM me when you post it I'd be happy to look at it!

Thanks for the read!
sare

Hey Red, Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

She didn’t die because of her parents, or the screaming girl inside her head that wanted to get out, she died because of me.
I didn’t answer her urgent phone calls or text messages. Sara died because I didn’t pick up the damn phone.

This is such a gripping opening! However, I would get rid of the "she died because of me" and put the last sentence here on a line by itself. That would make it even more striking.

My mother clicks buttons on her Blackberry. She scowls at a few things as her fingers tap on the keyboard.

Okay, honestly, this is a bit of a random change. I had no idea if this was before or after Sara's death. A smoother transition might be in order.

“We’re sorry about Sara, dear. We saw the paper.” He says. “We’re here for you.”

This article should help you with any problems you have with dialogue punctuation. Read and learn. It's one of those things that once you learn it you never forget it, and with proper dialogue punctuation your work seems much more polished and professional.

“It’s a lie, and you know it. My death is killing you.” Sara says.

Oh wow! That's a brilliant way of doing things, just saying. Although the impact is lost a little.

even though everything that happened was all her fault.

Okay, maybe stop throwing the fault around .There's a lot here. Also, she's blaming herself for the death but Sara for the events leading to it? It's a little bit of a paradox.

II. OVERALL

Honestly, this was fantastic. I usually have a lot to complain about with openings, but this is pretty much spot-on. I'd like to see maybe a little less ambiguity about her relationship with her parents, because the lines are a little blurred and the style of this is so immediate and clear cut, I feel they should be clear as well. But other than that, I really enjoyed it! You've set up your conflict, your plot, your background, done it all very aptly and successfully. Nice job!

*likes*

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

Great lead in! I'm loving it already. The one thing is that I can't really tell if Ali cares a lot about Sara or not. They used to be best friends, so probably; however, is Ali still mad about what Sara did? Can she forgive Sara? Because it seems to me that Sara is a bit vindictive...

“Alison Evans… I can’t wait until you see what you’ve done.”

So I'm thinking Sara is really not a likeable person, even if Ali regrets not picking up her phone. :O

Also, who is Cathy & what is happening with her parents? She doesn't seem to get along with her mother well, is something happening there? Some explanation would be nice.

Anyways. This is an excellent opening; keep it up!