You’re going to laugh at this guy, because this story isn’t one with a happy ending and a beautiful girl kissing a nice boy with killer abs. Well, this dude has a toned bod but still. You know how this ends? With water pouring in all directions. Yes, the main character is wearing a white t-shirt at that point BUT JUST LISTEN AIGHT. Okay.
These things always happen on the weekends for some reason. Saturday afternoon. David was going through a literal whirlwind of emotions (his ceiling fan was on “Blast” mode) and it was the date of his date with Dana. Dana, his dream, his fantasy. Yeah, sure, it was Match.com setup and yeah, he was a little unsure of how good she’d be in bed after the third date to Arby’s. But David and Dana were meant to be together, forever and ever, whether his mother approved of it or not. He applied his Axe Dark Temptation deodorant with frantic anxiety and garmented himself in a fresh linen shirt and tasteful khakis: he wanted Dana to approve of his fashion sensibilities but there was no knowing whether he’d meet her expectations. Those were high, high expectations to match, forreal. I ain’t joking; I cannot stress how hig-
Anyway, David was nearly ready. He was pumped. This was it: a real date! You could not believe how excited he was for this moment! He was bouncing off the walls, literally. David kicked a vase after some intense parkour/ninja activity. That’s what you do when you’re a straight up G such as David. Word. But he had a few things to take care of; and, of course, being such an immaculate gangsta like most protagonists of romance stories, he accomplished what he needed to do in a fabulous manner.
Since David had the strength of Superman and the features of Fabio (besides that awful face, Jesus, that’d be horrific) he jumped off the roof of his cozy one bedroom apartment and landed on two feet like a cunning cat in the middle of the street, simultaneously brushing his perfectly quaffed faux hawk (which, in retrospect, wouldn’t have to be maintained if it was already quaffed…) and fixing his shirt collar so he didn’t look like a popped collar douchebag waiting in line at Armani Exchange. Now he was ready for the date of the century, the rugged gift from God he was. Okay, he pee’d a little bit in anticipation but that’s his sensitive side coming out.
The plaza where Dana lived was just around the corner, conveniently located directly across from where David had landed. David made a quick glance at his unsmudged Swiss watch and realized that he had exactly one minute and thirty four and one seventh seconds to make it to Dana and whisk her into his arms and travel the world and smooch her with his remarkably fresh lips which were untainted by post-pubic acne. Did I mention the adjective “fresh”? Yes. Like the veggie aisle at Dominick’s. Picture that.
Then, he was off. With a minute and thirty three and one twelfth seconds to spare, David had reached Dana. Sadly, this wasn’t a cheesy meeting like the millions of rom-coms you’ve watched while crying and chomping down Edy’s Double Fudge ice cream at two in the morning after that asshat Craig dumped you for a trailer park tramp. David sort of wished it was at that moment, because this was a bit weird. Somewhat awkward. Extremely unexpected, especially for a former varsity football captain/prom king/Most Likely To Become The Next Taylor Lautner.
Oh, I forgot to mention. Dana isn’t a human being.
That’s when a spontaneous combustion occurred on the fifth floor of a shoddy factory adjacent to the plaza where Dana and David were having their strangely romantic yet silent interaction, and the fire department came in seconds to get the precious life-saving water stored in Dana’s belly.
David was a bit surprised to realize that he had blurted gushingly “You’re the most beautiful fire hydrant I’ve ever seen in my life.”
He was in love, true love. This muscular, cut male of twenty two desired to be with Dana for the rest of his life. It’s inexplicable, but Dana made David happy.
And when he said softly (with the fire department struggling to get a hose into her crimson belly) “This is perfect. You’re perfect,” he could’ve sworn that he saw Dana blush.
i love your unique writing style, it makes it interesting to read! 
at first I was like "what the heck is the next taylor doing on an internet dating site" but then I got it 
(yes i can be slow at times). Anyhow, your experience and know how is all expressed in your writing. I could have seen some of this stuff pulled out of a book or something. Keep up the good work, and maybe if you decide to extend it, keep us guessing about his date. It was very good and I enjoyed reading it... Especially since I'm in school right now, bored out of my *insert bad word here*ing mind XD
You're writing style in this is really good too. 
