Anxious

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“I’ll take care of that glass for you Ms. Johnson.” said the restaurant manager.
“Thank you.” said Nora, handing him the empty glass with a trembling hand. “Another glass please, if you don’t mind?”
“It’ll be my pleasure. And feel free to go on when you feel. We’ve done a thorough microphone check and we’ve tuned the piano, so everything’s set. Just remember, this is the time when we get the most workers pouring in for breakfast.” As the manager proceeded to the kitchen, Nora sighed and wiped the sweat off of her forehead. Closing her eyes, she whispered to herself to relax. Then, a hand touched her shoulder, making her jump.
“Whoa, you’re jumpy.” said Nora’s accompanist.
“Hi Dennis.” said Nora.
“Ready to roll?” asked Dennis.
“I don’t know,” said Nora, “I-“
“Here’s your glass of water Ms. Johnson,” interrupted the manager, “and if you need anything else, please don’t hesitate to ask.”
“Thank you, sir.” Nora said as the manager left.
“Another glass of water?” Dennis said. “Don’t you think you’re overdoing it?”
“What are you talking about Dennis? You know water is good for the vocal chords.” Nora said.
“This is your seventh glass Nora.” Dennis said. “You’re nervous.”
“What?” Nora said. “I am not.”
“You’re shaking, you’re sweaty, and you’re drinking about a million glasses of water a minute. You haven’t been like this since our first show together. Tell me, what’s the matter?” said Dennis.
“Okay, I’m nervous,” Nora admitted. “But I don’t know what it is. I just have a really bad feeling about today.”
“Nora-“Dennis started.
“That first show we did together, yeah, I did have the same feeling, and it turned out Uncle Peter couldn’t make it to the show because he was being mugged two blocks away, remember?” Nora said nervously.
“Is it the view Nora?” Dennis said. “Because I’ll admit, this place has a lot of windows, and it’s a little intimidating looking out from the top of one of the tallest buildings in Manhattan.”
“This feeling I get, Dennis, its real. Something is going to happen and I don’t know what it is.” Nora was pacing the floor.
“Listen to me Nora.” Dennis said, now grabbing on to both shoulders. “We have been performing at hotels and restaurants all over the city for years. We’ve had plenty of practice, and this is just another routine show. Everything is going to be fine.”
“I guess you’re right.” Nora said.
“I know I’m right.” Dennis said. “Now come on, let’s get this show on the road.” He began toward the back room door.
“But what if it has nothing to do with the show?” Nora said suddenly.
“Nora-" Dennis said, not facing her.
“The kids, what if they’re in trouble?” Nora pulled out her cell phone. “I have to call the school to see if they’re okay.”
“Nora! Your kids are fine! Let’s go!” Dennis yelled.
“One missed call.” Nora read on her cell phone. “It’s from Kate.”
“Kate?” Dennis said. “You mean the flight attendant?”
Nora nodded.
“That’s it Dennis.” Nora said quietly. “Maybe she needs to tell me something, something important!”
“Nora, we do not have time for that!” Dennis said.
“How’s everything going in here?” Dennis and Nora turned to see the restaurant manager poking his head through the doorway. “Are we ready to roll?”
“Can I have just a few minutes of fresh air?” Nora asked.
“No problem at all.” said the manager. “That doorway behind you leads to a stairway to the rooftop.”
“Thank you.” Nora said.
Dennis mouthed to her firmly, “Five minutes, tops.” Nora gave him a cold stare as she grabbed her jacket and started for the rooftop.
The morning wind blew through Nora’s hair as she sat on the rooftop, staring at the reading, “One Missed Call-Kate” on her cell phone. Questions raced through her mind. “Should I call her back? Maybe I’m over reacting. What if it’s an emergency? Why else would Kate call me now? Shouldn’t she be working?” Nora made up her mind to call Kate, and began dialing her number. Before she could punch the last number into the key pad, she heard Dennis’s voice behind her.
“How’s it going?” Dennis said. Nora turned to see him at the top of the stairs.
“Has it been five minutes yet?” Nora said coldly over her shoulder, then turning back to her phone.
“Look,” Dennis said, beginning to walk toward Nora. “I thought about it, and I owe you an apology.” Nora looked up at Dennis who was now standing beside her. “I’m sorry.” Nora stared at him for a moment, then closed her phone and looked away at the city. Dennis then leaned down next to her.
“You know, this feeling you get, it runs in the family.” Dennis said.
Nora looked at Dennis. “You get them too?” she asked. Dennis nodded.
“And what helps me,” Dennis said, “is the fact that we’re a team. We can make it through just about anything. We’ve already been through so much.”
“I can’t argue with that one.” Nora said.
Dennis put his arm around Nora’s shoulder. “What I want you to remember is, something bad may happen, but no matter what it is, you’ll always have your big brother right by your side to make things better.”
“Thanks Dennis.” Nora said. “That really helps.” She said as she hugged her brother. They then stood up.
“Now come on.” Dennis said. “We’ve got people to entertain.
“I’m right behind you bro.” Nora said. She looked back out at the city, inhaled deeply, and let out a sigh of relief. She then turned around and followed her brother, unaware that the good friend she was trying to reach was much closer than she thought, for as Kate’s plane drew closer to the building Nora was about to perform in, Nora descended down the stairs from the rooftop, leaving behind a September morning sky that she would never see again.




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Wow, well, first of all I was totally shocked by the ending! I definitely didn't see that coming, but it gives you a whole new perspective about the rest of the story.

I think this was well-written and very original, however I felt like this was just a piece of a larger story. I didn't get a good enough sense of who Nora or her brother, Dennis, was. At one point I thought she was an old lady, but at another I thought she was more middle aged -- same thing with Dennis. There's also a lot of details that would have helped, that you left out -- what kind of music did their band play? Why were they playing in one of the twin towers?

Here are some smaller things that I noticed:

“It’ll be my pleasure. And feel free to go on when you feel. We’ve done a thorough microphone check and we’ve tuned the piano, so everything’s set. Just remember, this is the time when we get the most workers pouring in for breakfast.” As the manager proceeded to the kitchen, Nora sighed and wiped the sweat off of her forehead. Closing her eyes, she whispered to herself to relax. Then, a hand touched her shoulder, making her jump.


I think you should have split this paragraph where I bolded. It reads more like two paragraphs, as opposed to one.

“Whoa, you’re jumpy.” said Nora’s accompanist.


This was a problem I noticed you had throughout the entire story. This should be written "Whoa, you're jumpy," said Nora's accompanist. In dialogue, whenever the quote, or phrase being said would end in a period, you put a comma because, the actual sentence ends after the attribution -- which is when you write "said Nora's accompanist."

For example: "Wow, we're high up," said Craig; "I think I'll pass," said Lily; "This doesn't make sense," said Andy.

This is NOT the case though when you have a phrase that ends with an exclamation point or a question mark. You didn't have any trouble with that :)

“Has it been five minutes yet?” Nora said coldly over her shoulder, then turning back to her phone.


It would have been better to leave out "coldly," because this is basically telling not showing, and it's pretty redundant. You get the same exact feeling for how she said "Has it been five minutes yet?" without you telling the reader that this is how she said it.

“I’m right behind you bro.”


This is the most minor one and it's hardly worth mentioning, but I might as well. There should be a comma between "you" and "bro." Basically, whenever you have a character address another character, or something to that affect, you have to put a comma before their name -- as in, "Thanks for helping me with my project, Jane," or "Steve, I was right here," or "Well, Sam, I'm just not sure."

Hope this wasn't too harsh or anything! This really is a good story, and I thought the dialogue was pretty good :) There's just a little bit more editing you might want to do is all.




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