Red Angel

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"Take out the rubbish Omar" She said in a hessitant Tone, knowing this comment will start a fight.
"Its bloody ten O'clock, I'll get mugged you stupid woman, you know that"
"Just…Can you just do it for once" the mother persisted, but the speech was more of a pledge than a do-it.
"I’m not fucking going, make the cat go" he laughed at his joke and slumped back into the sofa knowing that he had won the argument.

She stared at the back of her sons head fixated to the flickering TV screen in front of it, she turned away shamefully, she had failed as a mother and now she was paying the price.

Her plump figure bent down to pull the rubbish bag out of the small bin, with some effort she tugged it free and went for her coat. The long journey to the bottom floor of the council house was a dark and cold one and last time she went she half froze to death. She struggled to the door holding three full black bags and sighed as she prepared herself for the icy air that would soon hit her face.

"I'll go mum" .

She sighed again , she didn’t ask Alex to go, he was too young and vulnerable but seeing the circumstances of her having surgery on her stomach last week it was much less dangerous for him to go.
"Oh...Ok, but no wandering, you go down and come strait back up "
"Yes mum"
Alex stood up from the table and made his way through the tight hall way. His red jumper was stained and tattered, it looked much too small for him, this meant it was very small indeed, because, although thirteen Alex was much too short for his age.
"Thank you dear" she said as Alex took the bags off her,
"Remember strait up"
"Yes mum" he repeated not at all annoyed with his mother’s constant stream of worry.
She opened the door for him and stepped to the side, cold night air did indeed flood into the flat and chill it’s residents.
Alex walked through holding the bags high so they didn’t scrape against the floor, She stared at her sons back as it disappeared into the blackness of the tiled corridor, and soon the only evidence to indicate him was the echoic tap of his feet on the cold tiles.

He brisked down the dark stairs , his breath steamed out and caught the little to no light available . Tap, Tap, Tap ,Tap…the sound was unnerving and although it was loud , it still felt like the corridors were silent. He was alone , all other residents had taken refuge from the cold and locked the doors long ago.

His arms began to ache, the bags were heavy . He took another flight of stairs down to the floor where the big yellow rubbish bins were, he pushed the building’s main doors open with an isolated creak. Another blast of freezing wind this time below zero for sure, he stepped outside and breathed in the fresh night air and felt it fill his lungs like a bucket of ice cubes poured poured down a balloon. He stood for a second taking in the blanket of cloud which was the sky, the asphalt parking space with graffiti and the out of place pipes, he then made his way to the dull yellow bin.

On return he pulled at the doors. They were shut.

Alex felt his face burn with an un easy wave of panic, he pulled this time using his weight and pathetic arm muscles , they were shut!, “ shit!” he told himself as he scanned the door for another way in. He had forgot to leave it slightly open on his way out “idiot!” he said hitting his head hard with his palm .

He suddenly turned around and stared at the car park , something had just set foot in the puddle for it was rippling little waves . The panic that was before vanished , but it was replaced by fear, pale as he was he went paler, his stomach seemed to flip over several times as it churned . He pulled the door this time desperately. At a time like this a normal boy would comfort himself with the reassurance and knowledge that the person nearby was nothing other than a passer by, but not Alex, all his life things never turned out the way he wished them to be so why should they now.

He stood in front of the glass door , he didn’t know whether to run or scream because his nightmares were being replayed , The fear was replaced again, the new emotion dominating him was a screaming terror , A hooded man was walking with a stealth full stride strait for Alex who was rooted and helpless like a stunned rabbit waiting to be shot . The man’s face was completely shaded from the hood, the bottom half of him was rapped in a dark green jogging suit that crinkled as he walked , his hands emerged out of his pockets as he paced closer and closer to Alex . The tapping of feet was once more the only sound but this time it wasn’t Alex’s feet making the noise .

Alex stepped to the side realizing suddenly that the man might just want to get to the door , But the figure didn’t stop to take out the key when he got to the door , he just turned round and faced the shaking boy.

Alex looked up at the face, the eyes were shaded but he could make out thin yellow teeth and wrinkled lips. The mans breath tingled over Alex’s face and left a vile stench ,and then the man spoke.


Ill send in chapter two in as soon as I can , comments are really needed whether bad or good so if you want…comment .

Oh , and i know its not yet fantasy fiction but it will soon be converted and i didnt want to change it from forum to forum.
Last edited by blob on Mon Apr 03, 2006 9:36 pm, edited 3 times in total.
From palistine and proud of it




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This builds up the suspence really well, you make it hard to guess what will happen next but you do keep the reader trying to guess.
There were just a few typos that I noticed but they're nothing serious. I also noticed that this line didn't make much sense,

'all his life things didn’t turn out the better half so why should they now.'

Its possible to understand roughly what it means but I had to read it a few times before it made sense. Try to rewrite this line so it's easier to understand.
Other than that its good and I'm looking forward the the next part.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.




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Im a lil interested, i think it could use some light revision if you wanted. Nothing too extreme though. It could also use a twist so it doesnt become an avg. horror story. Hope you post the next addition.


Torpid




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Okay, so in general, Id just like to say that dialogue looks a lot better if its spaced out. There were a few spelling errors but a part from that you did well, especially considering your age.


"take out the rubbish Omar"
"Its bloody ten O'clock, I'll get mugged you stupid woman, you know that"
"Just…Can you just do it for once" the mother persisted, but the speech was more of a pledge than a do-it.


First off, capitalize 'Take'. Then, I dont think its entirely a good way to start off, with dialogue from one unknown person to another in an unknown environment. Try some description, of the surroundings, or if your adamant on starting off with dialogue at least imbue the voice with some tone: "Take out the rubbish Omar" she said in a weary tone, already certain of denial

She stared at the back of her sons head and the flickering TV screen in front of it, she turned away shamefully, she had failed as a mother and now she was paying the price.


This very badly needs to be broken up. Try instead, and I think this what you were going for: She stared at the back of her son's head, fixated on the flickering TV screen in front of it, before turning away shamefully. She had failed as a mother and now she was paying the price.

This has much more impact and is, as far as I know, grammatically correct.

"I'll go mum"


Again, you introduce a character with dialogue, which in itself isnt bad, but is just awkward in this instance. "I'll go mum" said her youngest boy, Alex.

come strait back up "


straight. You say 'strait' twice. Fix that.

cold night air did indeed flood into the house and chill It’s residents


Dont personify the house. uncapitalize 'It'.

He brisked down the dark stairs , his breath steamed out and caught the little to no light available


Now I could be wrong in this instance but 'brisked' sounds wrong. I think instead, that should be: He briskly walked down the stairs, breath streaming out, catching the little to no light. There's alsop the tense fluctuation. Also, no spaces should be before the comma, only after it.

He stood for a second taking in the blanket of cloud which was the sky and the asphalt parking space with graffiti and out of place pipes, he then made his way to the dull yellow bin.


This is actually okay, apart from that it would benefit from being broken into two sentences. He stood for a second taking in the the blanket of clouds which was the sky, the asphalt parking space with its graffiti and the out of place pipes, before making his way to the dull yellow bin.

On return he pulled at the doors, they were shut


Break this up and perhaps: Upon his return he pulled at the doors. They were shut (locked. could also be used) This is much more effective.

un easy


uneasy.

nearby was nothing other than a passer by, but Alex, not Alex, all his life things never turned out the way he wished so why should they now


'but Alex' needs to be taken out and so does 'all his life'. Also, the last part is both a thought and a question, which further complicates matters. It would be simpler to say: nearby was nothing other than a passer by, but not Alex, things never turned out the way he wished and there was no reason for that to change now.

Now, You have great description but its hampered by either your incomplete understanding of grammar or your misuse of it, either way: use Microsoft Word. With it, you could spin out some great stories, with good description, and fantastic spelling and grammar. Its painful to see what is obviously good be ruined by bad grammar or misspelling. I'm sure that as you get older, your stories will be something to see, but for now focus on using Microsoft Word.

Looking forward to your next piece,
~Jiggy
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko




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BlOODY MOOSE! , cheers jigsaw! , ( message for fishr, i know you wrote more feed back but i didnt want to freak you cause this is how i usually thank people) .

Thanks for all the tips, im gona use some but leave the ones i didnt see Right, i that final comment
I'm sure that as you get older, your stories will be something to see.

that really made me smile, and, although you think its no big deal me stories are useually rated as poo mixed vomit , maggots, fibre glass , pig hair, goat ovaries and all the other stuff that is classed as bad,

thanks again.
From palistine and proud of it




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Oh and i just remembered , the person who had a telephone for an avater , you wrote loads for a review too so same goes for yoo, ( thankyou).
From palistine and proud of it




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It interested me the only mistakes that I could see were the spelling mistakes and what Jigsaw pointed out.
This thing all things devours;
Birds, beasts, trees, flowers;
Gnaws iron, bites steel;
Grinds hard stones to meal;
Slays king, ruins town,
Beats high mountain down.
The Hobbit J.R.R Tolkein



I understand what you're saying, and your comments are valuable, but I'm gonna ignore your advice.
— Roald Dahl