Bumblebee's Journey

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Cruising on a river of air
Searching for a tropical paradise
He bobs along as if jamming to tunes

Spots an cozy landing place
To rest his tired explorer feet
And close his tiny kaleidoscope eyes

A sun-stained rose with silver tears
An almost flawless rosy island
But there is no such thing as perfect

He zooms in on the target patel
Dives with wings tucked aside
Into the silken scarlet flower

His fuzzy toes touch the unexpected
His charcoal and golden body quivers
The thorn of the rose pierces his side

His fragile, pom-pom form punctured
Crying in agony, limp and stiff
He fears as darkness overwhelms him

And just when he thinks all is lost
A delicate hand extends toward him
Placing him gently onto the rose

He sleeps there in peace,
Journey complete.

Awesome job! All I can say is... Maybe add a line to the last stanza? I don't know, you may have done it to portray finality, but still, awesome poem!

Thanks Shinobiinfinity! i'm new here (u can probably tell) and i can't figure out how to reveiw a specific person's work. i could reveiw some of yours... except, don't know how! thanks again!

I also really liked it- very interesting subject!

I like that your use of shorter lines and omition of pronouns gives the poem a sort of snappy, bee-like pace before slowing down again in the 5th stanza when you use them more frequently... I don't know, maybe i'm reading too much in, but i thought it drew attention to the gravity of the event.

The only thing i would suggest is that maybe adding some more puntuation to phrases would be useful... although, on rereading, i notice that you use them in the final stanza and it adds to the pacing i mentioned earlier- out of interest, was it intentional?

Sorry if i'm a bit all over the place! I'm new too, this is my first review!

I'm new here too! Yay for new people!
anyways, on the subject of the poem, I thought it was really good. It has good flow and a sense of finality that ties i with the story it tells. good job

I have no idea why, but I find this to be one of the cutest poems I have ever read. Maybe it's that bee. You made him/her(?) sound so completely adorable. Your descriptions were very nice and I especially like the second stanza about 'little explorer feet'.
Great writing!
TSM

thanks so much 'ScratchMan. i was kind of aiming for that. but maybe it didn't work because in the end you were supposed to be either sad or happy. i left the end open to be interpreted, so people thnik he dies, and some think he is saved. i'll never tell which it is. but making him cute was part of the sceme to get you to be attached to him and then when he gets hurt your supposed to feel sad. but anyway if you thought it was cute the whole way throught that's fine too.

Hey everybody.. If you like this poem will you like it with the little "like" button at the top?

This is so darn....CUTE!!! I gotta agree with TheScratchMan. You just make that bee sound adorable. I was grinning while reading this and I didn't spot any errors. Such a cute little bee....

It is almost sickeningly cute lol. Most cute poems try and swing by on mediocre rhymes and sunshine but you add a little touch of darkness like the best childrenlike tales. The style can stumble a tad when read aloud but this is minor. I didn't find the last stanza very abrupt either, a solid end. Very f

Un little piece. Good work!

Hi cammie! I just wanted to say how much I loved this poem! It was incredibly cute and just made be feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I don't really have any nitpicks, and sorry this review is so rubbish: I just wanted to say that I adored this poem. It was innocent, sweet, and beautiful!
-Alia

Very cute poem you have here. I really like it. I could picture everything. And it has great flow. I like how the last stanza is only two lines. It completes it very nicely. While I read this, I felt like I was watching a cartoon and how everything is so hippy skippy and happy. I love that feel.

The only thing I think you could change is the line:

He bobs along as if jamming to tunes

The 'to tunes' part sounds awkward. If you would read it out loud, it sounds like one word. The sentence makes sense but maybe changing it a little bit so those two words aren't right next to each other would help. But even without that, I still adore this little poem. Wonderful work!

HAPPY REVIEW DAY! : )

Hi,

I absolutely love this! I though I would use the whole poem to review, so here goes:

Cruising on a river of air
Searching for a tropical paradise
He bobs along as if jamming to tunes

Spots an excellent landing place
To rest his tired explorer feet
And close his tiny kaleidoscope eyes I think you spelled that wrong.

A sun-stained rose with silver tears
An almost flawless rosy island Coma after flawless, maybe?
But there is no such thing as perfect

He zooms in on the speck of petal
Dives with wings tucked aside
Into the silken scarlet flower

His fuzzy toes touch the unexpected
His charcoal and golden body quivers
The thorn of the rose pierces his side Made me scream, "NOOOOO!"

His fragile, pom-pom form punctured
Crying in agony, limp and stiff
He fears as darkness overwhelms him

And just when he thinks all is lost
A delicate hand extends toward him
Placing him gently onto the rose

He sleeps there in peace,
Journey complete.

I thought this was just down-right adorable! I absolutely loved the bee. I love how you put this structure wise. I usually don't like this kind of structure, but you made it belong. Good job! I can't wait to read more.

Farewell,
A.

That was really cute! I loved the imagry and the way you describe the way the bee moves. I never thought about it like "jamming to tunes" hahah. Keep it up

-Kels ;D