First of all, welcome to YWS, Crookedteeth! If you need any help at all with the site, please don't hesitate to ask myself or any of the hundreds of great people that use this site. As for your poem, I am truly astounded by it. Your vocabulary and your wit make this remarkably powerful,. and it really plays with the emotion of your reader. One thing is, did you mean "you made our choice" or "you made your choice"? It's not a big deal, but just to be sure what you actually wanted to say. This kind of reminds me of Kill Bill in a way, was this at all in mind when you were writing? -Alex
It was originally 'you made your choIce' but I changed it to 'our' during a redraft because I felt it helped to communicate the fact that my character feels entirely dependent on their (ex)partner. Also, I'm not entirely sure who my character is planning on shooting, although I have my own ideas that I refuse to share- I want to know what other people think! I felt the 'Our' conveyed this. In the original version, it was 'you made my choice', but again I felt this was too leading for the point I wanted to make.
I am a massive fan of Kill Bill- I think 'the bride' might be an accidental reference. Come to think of it, when I was writing this, I thought I was writing from the perspective of the 'man' in the relationship... In retrospect it could be either the bride or the groom. I like not being sure!
That's really powerful. Someone actually said that? wow. I love the description.
A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes. I screamed aloud as it tore through them and now it's left me blind. Florence and the Machine, Cosmic Love
Wow. This poem is very deep... very touching. I found it beautifully written. Although it is a sad poem it is one favourites. My favourite part of the poem was:
Crookedteeth wrote:You made our choice. Small engagement ring, clean. Will trade for Small revolver.
The only thing I don't get is why you wrote clean after the small engagement part. But maybe thats my miniature brain not understanding something obvious.
Anyways I really like this poem. Keep up the good work!
Trust in God and all else follows.
Deanie, dominating the world since it was cool @Pompadour, 2014 Your username reminds me of a hotdog @Stegosaurus, 2015 Tried to make puns out of your username, but every attempt has been Deanied @Candywizard, 2015
This is a very poignant and powerful poem. I like you wit. You said you wanted readers to draw their own conclusions. Mine was that the speaker is going to shoot their ex-lover, not THAT person's new lover. Am I correct?
"I don't cause commotions, I am one." Elphaba (Wicked the musical)
