Just a Nimbus

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Alright so this is my contest entry for the big random contest! The topic I was given is as follows;

- Your story is about a CEO in a dorm room pointing at random bits of sky.

I hope its not to subtle... The idea was really strong in my head but I realized as I was writing it that the length needed to be a bit on the longer side if I wanted to push out the topic in a not so easy manner. That being said, this had to be 1000 words and under so I'm hoping this will suffice enough! If you don't get the subtleness tell me xD


Just a Nimbus

I’m not quite sure how he got in here, and quite frankly, I didn’t want to know.
“Well, Mister Parker?” Gerald O’Reilly, a CEO of Artists America, or so I was told, held his hand out, eyes peering at me with relative intrigue. His whole stature gave the impression of someone far more intellectual than appearances gave. It was exhausting to think about.

I reached my hand out hesitantly, taking his in my own for a very short amount of time before returning it back to its tight fist at my side. I was not a people person and if he had done his homework, I’m sure he would have known this. “Well?”

“Well what?” he replied, brow raised. “Is something wrong with my visit?”

I contained a scoff that nearly came out do to natural reflex. “You come into my dorm, entreat some form of pleasantries, then expect that I won’t question your reasoning?”

A smirk appeared now, amusement filling his features with odd warmth. His heavy brows were quite the oddity; thick, caterpillar-like things that were constantly in danger of blinding him. Another discerning quality. “I suppose you’re right. I should probably explain myself–”

“Please do.”

His expression once again changed, arms crossing over his chest in a less casual manner. His form of dress, which I noted to be rather unflashy, had been something of interest to me, though I would never stand to admit it. Merely that, for someone who appeared to think so highly of himself, he was far from the meticulous dresser. His clothing – a cardigan, jeans, and a graphic t-shirt – implied youthful eccentricity, yet the worn edges and the small holes gave the impression that he was weary and down on his luck. Those eyes, though… no, they spoke of something a little more ambitious than either of those two choices.

If I was correct, it had been this ambition that lead him here.

“As I’ve noted prior, I am the CEO of Artists America,” he stated plainly. “We’ve been scoping out your work for a while now and at this present time, we would like to offer you a commission piece.”

He paused, waited for a reaction that never came, then continued soberly.

“This job,” he said, “is to create a mural along the south wall of our main building. We’ll pay $1,500 beforehand plus an additional $500 when the piece is completed. All materials will be provided including whatever tools you instruct us to buy. It is completely up to you what the subject matter should contain as long as it’s purely original.”

This time he did not continue after he paused. His eyes implored mine with earnest.

“Is that all?” I asked. I was already bored with the idea.

He turned his gaze away suddenly as if this was the part he feared most. Instead, they strayed to the mess that was my cot with about as much determination as he could muster towards something so insignificant to his cause. “Well, there is one more thing you should probably know.”

“Well?”

He spoke hesitantly, “You will not be painting the entirety of this piece. It is a combined effort between you and twenty other artists of similar aptitude.”

With that, every ounce of my desire towards the project dissipated. “No.”

“No?”

“No.”

“I would urge you to reconsider,” he replied, brows furrowing. “It is not usual that someone should get such a chance.”

“Then pick someone else,” I said, “if this is such an honour.”

He stood there as if not wishing to leave quite yet. It was a bit annoying, really. I had much better things to do then listen to someone speak business propositions I had no want in partaking. Even more so did I find his reasoning to be fruitless and selfish. I would not be a toy, nor would my art.

But he looked so desperate.

“You can leave.”

He moved, but not towards the door. The window, in fact. He stood before it, hands clasped behind his back. “Come here.”

I could feel my teeth clench, but obliged nonetheless. The faster we were through with this little game, the faster I would be back to more important matters. “What do you want?”

“For you to look outside.”

I stood beside him, turning my eyes towards the cyan sky above. A normal afternoon for late spring. The quad would be filled with chattering students, all as talented as I though lacking discipline. The free, artistic mind could not be shaped on skill alone; at least, as far as any of us knew.

“Can you count all the clouds you see?” he asked. A silly question. There were far too many even if I hadn't wanted to which, subsequently, I did not.

I gave no answer. He continued anyways.

“I can’t,” he said. “And I wouldn’t bother with it even if I could. Not every cloud in the sky will be accounted for.”

“It’s just a cloud.”

He smiled. “Yes. Just a cloud.”

I crossed my arms, watching a nimbus drift by with a restless impatience. It seemed more and more apparent that this was merely a silly attempt at stalling me.

“They don’t do much on their own,” he said finally, breaking the apparent silence. “But if they formed together, think of the storm they’d cause. The power. The thunder.”

“I’m not asking for a lesson.”

“I’m not here to teach one.” He turned his eyes towards mine in that manner that caused my emotions to stir once more. “After all, I’m just an artist. I can’t do much on my own.”

“Yes. Just an artist.” The smirk that crossed my cheeks came of its own accord. “But together, we could create something more than that, huh?”

“Maybe. Maybe not.”

“Maybe that intrigues me,” I said.

“I was hoping, just maybe, that it would.”

~~
Last edited by Dreamwalker on Thu Jun 30, 2011 2:40 am, edited 6 times in total.
Suppose for a moment that the heart has two heads, that the heart has been chained and dunked in a glass booth filled with river water. The heart is monologuing about hesitation and fulfillment while behind the red brocade the heart is drowning. - R.S




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ah! avast! a fellow symbolism-ist! lovely to meet you :)

You don't need me to tell you that your characterisation was great and believable, and that clearly you knew exactly the effect you wanted to create before you typed the first word. I got that :D
I also got your desire to be tantalising - this CEO isn't really that, is he? He's got other plans in his heart, so why exactly does he want to create a "storm"? And what would be the consequences? All valid questions, and the perfect ones a reader should be having. I think I'm waffling now...

I'm going to be wonderfully irritating and gleefully point out some mistakes :P

“Well what?” He replied, brow raised.

"He" doesn't need to be capitalised - in fact, in this situation it really shouldn't.. I bet you knew that though. darn.

A smirk appeared now, amusement filling his features with odd warmth.

Let's debate about whether or not "filling his features with an odd warmth" creates a better effect than without the "an"...

He paused, waited for a reaction that never came, then continued soberly.

Another debate. "waited for a reaction that didn't come" vs "never came"... what do you think? It's just "never came" sounds a bit... over a long period of time-ish. Or were you going for that?

It is a combined effort between you and twenty other artists of similar apptitude.”

Tee-hee... "aptitude", just a mistype.

Hopefully you won't get offended by my increasingly teasing, mocking tone but I did feel ridiculously pleased that I could have some concrete examples to hold up to you from this wonder. I loved it, and am simply glad that I am in the other contest group. :D
~*cottonrulz*~
Here's a story of a brother by the name of Othello,
He liked white women and he liked - green jello... - Reduced Shakespeare Company




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Hellooo awesomely sweet team captain dreamwalker! XD <3
(I didn't write that to get more points or something, I just wanted to say that XD)
I don't really have any criticism for you so this is going to be a pretty short review :) I really liked this story and you did a really great job on the characters and stuff. I love the whole part about the clouds and how they can do awesome things together and how the guy uses that as comparison for how artists can do great things together. That's like really deep and thought provoking XD.

Just one little thing that I thought sounded a little weird:
“As I’ve stated prior, I am the CEO of Artists America,” he stated plainly.

I think it would be better if you changed one of the 'stated' into something else, because it sounds kind of repetitive. But maybe that's just me :)
But other than that, this is a really good write and I enjoyed reading it. You really have talent :)
Hope this helped a little!
-qaralynn-
"If they can't be with you at your worst, then they don't deserve to be with you at your best."
-Murtuza-

"Even though a ship won't sink at sea, it needs to be steered to get home."




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Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!


The detached, uninterested prodigy isn't new, but.... it's still interesting, to me. I can see anime influences here, unless I'm greatly mistaken. Well done.

The beginning felt a bit forced to me--maybe because of the style you were going for. Maybe it was just because it was, well, a beginning, and beginnings can be very fickle. I don't know, but it wasn't too bad.

Note: I often can't explain my observations. I'm sooorrryyy. I try. But sometimes I just don't know why something feels right and something else doesn't. So if I say something about one of your pieces....... I don't always have a good suggestion to make it better. I'm working on it, I promise!!

The ending was a bit corny. Maybe this was because of the word count? If you had more space, I'd suggest dragging it out a bit, to make it more believable. Someone that detached in the beginning usually needs a pretty mental incentive to agree to something like this. Hmmm...... if you put the "maybe" that the student says in italics, it would give a more aloof air. That might be more appropriate.

And I love your title. You're awesome.
"Ok, Lolpup. You can be a girl worth fighting for."
--Pengu



i think once every new ywser realizes they can manifest themselves into the quote gen by making a post about the quote gen, they make a very inconspicuous post about the quote gen, but deep in their hearts, they know they’ll see that post at the bottom of the page one day. (yeah, i see you mods. you brought this upon us)
— Avian