The Town of Wolves chapt. one

7 posts
User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 1202
Reviews 57
(so you don't waste your time reading the entire thing before you discover you don't like it, and sorry about the jittery spacing.) The town of Ajerbae has a killer on the loose. Only Dandilion Kingsley knows it's not wolves. That is, she and her enemy, Deputy Windsor,- but he won't say. As Dandilion tries to stop the killing of a the Wolf supposedly plagueing the town, she becomes connected with the wolf and Windsor that can have catastrophic results for the lives of Ajerbae. The only way out of the web is to catch the killer, before it murders again. Dandilion knows a wolf has killed people, but this one may come in a human guise.


It was a midnight plague, placed upon us all by nature. It was sent to torture our very souls, our bodies, and our minds. It came with claws and fangs. The wolf had come. It hunted by night and disappeared in a wisp of smoke by day, taking the souls that dared wander into its celestial domain. It preyed with its keen smell of fear and cowardice, the smell of the justified and the brave not detected by so foul a nose. Whether its prey be babe or grandfather, it came with silence and stealth. It hunted with viciousness as to tear its victims apart.

The Fable of the Wolf is known by all the children in Ajerbae. It is told to them in the evening, after they have said grace and goodnight. It was meant to keep them in line, keep them from wandering too far when they herded livestock or keeping their hands to themselves if they stole. I was sure the wolf in the story was pure fiction; but now, not so much. Now I’m not positive if a wolf like that really didn’t exist, and didn’t terrorize our village. All fables have to come from somewhere right?

Doubt crept in my mind about the Wolf Fable as I looked at the scene before me. My stomach flopped over in its place. Nausea was in the back of my throat, threatening a whole bucket load of bile. My mouth was open in shock and sadness, and by mistake I inhaled the heady alcohol taste of blood. It was strange. I once bit my lip open, and the blood had tasted metallic and salty. But this much blood… It smelt like Ganderby’s wine he made in the summer. The stench wafted around the edge of town, like a specter.

The puddle of liquid velvet melted the snow it fermented in. You could follow the gorge the warm blood had carved in the snow to the cornflower sleeve of my cousin’s hand. The hand was white, since what was left of her had frozen in the night. The dress was shredded from the waist down, and I desperately wanted to cover her in the presence of these men. Men who she respected, yes, but still didn’t need to see her so. I was on the fringe, watching the scene. Women in their Sunday best clustered around one another in little groups, whispering. I stood alone, notably not in my Sunday best. I had been out getting water when I found her.

I had cried out and dropped the bucket, but hadn’t moved. I hadn’t run away from the macabre sight of my butchered cousin. Someone, I can’t remember who, had heard me and came to see what the matter was. They had seen the blood and gotten the constable and a few other men that practically ran the town.
I lived on the edge of the village, right up against the woods. It had taken a few minutes before they arrived here. Now they stood in a semi-circle around her, none taking the chance of putting their back to the woods.

“It’s a wolf, I say. Damned creatures.”

“Aye, it’s the middle of winter. Hunger probably drove them.”

“No,” the calm voice of Victor McSerra. He tipped his tattered hat towards the woods and tucked his shotgun under an arm. “Wolves don’t attack like this. Not when driven by hunger,” he explained. I listened from my stance at the edge. “Wolves run up on som’thin and bite at their neck. They would have been weak, so that’s the first thing the wolves would have gone for, and the legs.” Now he pointed, “Neither her neck nor her legs show any sign of attack.”

“But her jaw is gone, and her legs have been mangled! What on earth do you mean? Chuh, ‘No sign of attack,’ indeed,” That was the growl of Samuel, the codger of the village. Sam had a bushy black beard that was useful for stroking, and he did so now with a gnarled hand.

“Hungry wolves don’t miss Sam,” Victor continued, “They would have hit the neck, ripped it to shreds. They would have left no legs to be found.” The cold bit at my hands and boots. The snow was making them wet, and I tightened the hood on my bonnet. I respected Victor the most out of the lot. He was old and wise, and if he said wolves didn’t kill her, and then as I saw it- wolves didn’t kill her.
I looked on. Sissy had been my cousin for fifteen years, and we weren’t particularly friends- weren’t even acquaintances. We ran in different circles, because she did not want to be seen with me. She didn’t like me, nor I her, but she was my only family left.

“Bears haven’t been in the region for decades,” mumbled Roy Flemming, “Couldn’t have been a bear, could it?”
“A bear would have left bigger tracks. Those are wolves’ tracks, Victor. A big one, maybe two.”

“Perhaps a Mountain Lion?” offered up Sam.
“Nah, Mountain Lions don’t attack people, too afraid. Now attack horse, maybe.” Roy debated, and suddenly all their heads turned in unison the sound of hoof beats.
I turned too, and scowled.

On a steel grey Morgan horse rode the town Deputy. He was next in line for the Constable, and would take over when Keith Landon retired in a few weeks. He was very, ‘pleased’ with it. Anthony Windsor cantered up to the scene and swung off his sixteen hand horse while it was still pulling to a stop, full of himself and his importance.
On a brighter note however, Windsor’s shadow Jeremy Scall rode with him on a less ostentatious Quarter horse. His family owned the town’s only livery, and made a nice living from it. Jeremy and Anthony had been friends for many years, but so had Jeremy and I. My disgust of Anthony had so far not caused any complications in the relationship, thankfully; I was only too aware of what would happen if he was forced to choose.

“Deputy Windsor, ‘bout time you showed up.” Victor growled. I smiled to myself, glad that I wasn’t the only one irritated by the young asshole. However, sometimes I did feel alone in my hatred for Windsor. He was twenty-three, in a position with a good deal of power, and handsome enough. That is, handsome enough to constitute many of the girls that fawned over him, but he just made me sick. At least in his job he was competent.
Jeremy dismounted and walked with Anthony over to the crime scene. He spotted me on the fringe, and winked in his boyish way. I smiled and waved back, feeling silly.

“I was busy,” the Deputy growled. It was too early in the morning for a non-church goer like Windsor.
“Justice never has hours, young man,” Victor pointed to the body, “Now what do you make of this?”
Jeremy stood off to the side while the deputy sauntered over and blinked. Windsor stepped a bit closer than the other men had dared. His forehead wrinkled, his mouth parted, and eyes widened all together for a split moment in time.
The deputy panicked, for a mere moment, and I caught it. I relished it. But on the other hand, why would he panic at such a sight? The danger was away, at least for now, but his face was full of fear. Why? My lip puckered in disgust, perhaps he’s just a simple coward. In any case his face recovered in the next moment, and turned around to the other men. They of course, hadn’t seen a thing.
“Looks like an animal attack to me sir. Possibly a puma.”

“There would be bites on the back of the neck,” Victor rubbed his stubbly chin.

“And its wolves’ paw prints. Probably two of ‘em.” Sam said again, for Windsor’s benefit. Windsor just stared. He sat silent a moment, then nodded.

“Stay here,” he muttered to the men, and broke their circle, “Alright people!” He cried out to the crowd, “Nothing you can do! Please, go on to church, and please pray for Sissy Valdez’s soul. Go on, please, leave!” He waved his hands and shooed the crowd away. I blinked. I didn’t want to leave, I wanted to know what had happened to my cousin. However, the Deputy might turn my way, and possibly give me grief about it. Suffice to say, he had such a way with words as to not sound hurtful when talking to others, but to you it seems as though you were found under a rock.
I slipped away, moving back to my own home, just across the street.
Latina est TUMOROSUS senes ita sortem.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1457
Reviews 42
Hello Waywardbird.

First thing I have to say is that I both love and hate the first couple of paragraphs. Truthfully I think it's overwritten, but I love trying to write that sought of things. I would go over it and just make sure everything it clear enough and that you don't get lost amidst your own words.
Same goes for the rest of it really, at times I found it a little awkward, a little too much telling the audience rather than showing. I don't mind this but then occasionally I felt it became rather unnatural, but when I went to look for a good example I couldn't find one. Again I would say go over it and rewrite the bits you feel seem of a lower standard than the rest.

I don't think there's enough to give an impression on the characters.

Overall I would say that this seems like a good start. Pretty classic style fantasy thriller. It'll all hinge on the execution of the idea rather than the idea itself.

PM with any questions and let me know when the next bit is up.

Quibbons Quill




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2394
Reviews 53
Hi there!
I like this start - it has potential to go anywhere - but I do have a few points that I think are affecting the whole piece:

Firstly, the big one - the explanation in the beginning. I don't see why this is necessary - if someone doesn't like this, they can just stop reading it. They won't despise you. And for those who would like it, all the suspense that would have been in this first chapter vanishes, because you know it's not the wolf that killed the girl. That's why many people generally avoid reading the backs of books or prologues - because knowing what happens or even what it's about can destroy an otherwise perfect mystery. For those reasons, I would highly, highly suggest that you get rid of the summary.
I also felt disconnected because, although the other characters, especially the antagonist (or I'm guessing the deputy's the antagonist), are very well described, I know absolutely nothing about the main character, except for the fact that she's named Dandilion Kingsley and she dislikes the antagonist. It makes the whole thing seem a bit dry and unreal.

Although they affected the entire chapter in my opinion, these were the only two real problems I noticed (other than personal preference that changes with the reader). If you fix those points, I'll have a whole lot of trouble finding other advice - this is great otherwise.

Keep writing!
"We need not to be let alone. We need to be really bothered once in a while. How long is it since you were really bothered? About something important, about something real?"
-Fahrenheit 451




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 1040
Reviews 7
“Nah, Mountain Lions don’t attack people, too afraid. Now attack horse, maybe.” Roy debated, and suddenly all their heads turned in unison the sound of hoof beats.


That sentence had two small little grammar mistakes, that's all.

"Now attack horse maybe." That kinda made no sense. How about, "Now, they may attack horses." Or something around those lines.

"Roy debated, and suddenly their heads turned in unison the sound of hoof beats."

Their heads turned in unison the sound of hoof beats. Did you mean, "Their heads turned in unison at the sound of hoof beats" ?

Also, when I read this, I think if the movie, "Little red riding hood." Try and make it a little more.... yours. Hope I helped! Great storyline! <3

Krp0
Run free. Be free. No one owns you.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 5407
Reviews 75
Hey!

I have to agree with everyone so far, your story has a lot of potential it just seems that you have so much running around in your head and you think that if you put it all down on paper then it'll make sense, and trust me I've done it before, it never makes sense, it just ends up being a big mess of words that don't make sense or don't really belong together. You'll figure it all out don't worry, just take it slow and easy, reread after you've written one or two paragraphs and if it looks just a little bit funny, redo it. But don't get all crazy perfectionist either, because that'll mess you up too, I for one am very guilty of that. Other than all of that, I guess I will just have to read the other chapters to fully grasp where your trying to go with this, even though it feels as if you already gave some of it away...we'll just have to wait and see yes?
One more thing, maybe its just me but I really didn't get the whole line where the so-called "wolves" went after the legs, am I just not getting it because I don't watch enough discovery channel or what...?

Addawen
The heart wants, the body needs, and the mind suffers. - me




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 772
Reviews 25
Hey, WaywardBird!
Ok, I'm going to start with my very nitpicky critique, and then move on from there....

It was a midnight plague, placed upon us allby nature.

It just sounds less clunky that way, don't you think?

It was sent to torture our very souls, our bodies, and our minds.

Try rearranging the order of those things - maybe our bodies, our minds, and our very souls? When you're listing things in prose, it has more of an impact if you put the most "important" thing last - it acts as a punchline if it's a humourous list, and a nice big oomph if it's dramatic.

It hunted by night and disappeared in a wisp of smoke by day, taking the souls that dared wander into its celestial domain.

Do you mean the souls of those that dared... etc.? Or maybe you are referring to the people themselves as souls (like "poor souls")... either way, I'm not sure what you mean, so you might want to clarify that.

It preyed with its keen smell of fear and cowardice, the smell of the justified and the brave not detected by so foul a nose.

I think you mean sense of smell. And for the second highlight - your meaning doesn't quite come across here. I get what you're trying to say, but the way you've phrased it sounds off. Try remained undetected or were not detected.

It was meant to keep them in line, keep them from wandering too far when they herded livestock or keeping their hands to themselves if they stole.

This just sounds awkward. Within the context of the line, it sounds like you're saying that the Wolf Fable is used to keep children from keeping their hands to themselves. Rephrase that, please. Also, the way you've phrased the second bit sounds weird; "keeping their hands to themselves if they stole" sounds like them stealing is a given, and that they should keep their hands to themselves after they've stolen something. Please rephrase that, too.

It was strange. I once bit my lip open, and the blood had tasted metallic and salty. But this much blood… It smelt like Ganderby’s wine he made in the summer. The stench wafted around the edge of town, like a specter.

I like this line! Great imagery.

The puddle of liquid velvet melted the snow it fermented in. You could follow the gorge the warm blood had carved in the snow to the cornflower sleeve of my cousin’s hand.

Also very nice imagery!

Men who she respected, yes, but still didn’t need to see her so.

You might want to refer to the cousin in past tense (she had respected), since she's dead.

I respected Victor the most out of the lot. He was old and wise, and if he said wolves didn’t kill her, and then as I saw it- wolves didn’t kill her.
I looked on. Sissy had been my cousin for fifteen years,

The strikethrough - just a little grammar mistake.
The highlighted stuff - does that mean that Sissy was only 15? Or that the narrator is 15? Or that Sissy and the narrator were only related by marriage, and the marriage took place 15 years ago? Please clarify.

“Bears haven’t been in the region for decades,” mumbled Roy Flemming, “Couldn’t have been a bear, could it?”
“A bear would have left bigger tracks.
Those are wolves’ tracks, Victor. A big one, maybe two.”

Considering that these people live next to a forest, I think they'd be able to recognize wolf tracks. Even if bears haven't been seen around there for decades, they should be able to see the tracks and recognize them as wolf tracks without any doubt entering their mind. And even on the off chance that none of them have seen wolf tracks before, if even one person in town has a dog, they should be able to see the similarity. Maybe cut out this exchange?

“Perhaps a Mountain Lion?” offered up Sam.

Same argument as above.

He was next in line for the Constable,

Maybe position of Constable?

He was very, ‘pleased’ with it.

Huh? What's with the quotations? Maybe you meant them to be italics?

full of himselfand his importance.

That's a bit redundant.

I smiled to myself, glad that I wasn’t the only one irritated by the young asshole.

Funny! :)

“Looks like an animal attack to me sir. Possibly a puma.”

A man of the law in a place like that would definitely be able to tell the difference between a puma print and a wolf print.

All in all, a very enjoyable read! Sorry if my nitpicks seemed a little excessive - I'm a little anal about stuff like that :)
You're very good at creating strong imagery and atmosphere; however, you seem to have a little difficulty phrasing things in a way that makes sense to the reader. A lot of people have a problem with this - sometimes things make sense to us, because we wrote them, but they don't always make sense to everybody. One piece of advice - read your work aloud to yourself to see if things flow properly. Even the best writers can make little mistakes like that, and it always pays to give things a once-over.
I'm excited to learn more about the wolf, and more about the narrator! You've done a very good job, here!
"Children see magic because they look for it."
- Christopher Moore




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 5238
Reviews 174
As Dandilion tries to stop the killing of a the Wolf supposedly plagueing the town,


Best to pick either "a Wolf" or "the Wolf" as you used both.

Ajerbae

When I hear this I think of the Republic of Azerbaijan because of the name similarities. Not at all relevant to my constructive criticism but an interesting side comment.

The puddle of liquid velvet melted the snow it fermented in.

Very good use of detail. Helps the reader picture the scene mentally.

“It’s a wolf, I say. Damned creatures.”

Do you mean to say that your character said "I say" as well or did you intend that to be outside the speech quotation marks?

“Nah, Mountain Lions don’t attack people, too afraid. Now attack horse, maybe.” Roy debated

The "Now attack horse" sequence left me confuse. I am not sure if you mean to say that Mountain Lions attack horses or if there is an "attack horse" that attacks people. Based on the capitalization style I would suggest you say "Now attacking horses, maybe." OR "Now attack a horse, maybe."

Keep on writing. Your ability to write with a lot of detail is well worth reading and I enjoy having the additional details that allow me to imagine I was actually there.

Sincerely,
Elitehusky



There’s always a story. It’s all stories, really. The sun coming up every day is a story. Everything’s got a story in it. Change the story, change the world.
— Terry Pratchett