Freedom: Underrated

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LittleLionWomen
Gender Female
Points 1021
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Sun Jun 12, 2011 5:19 am
LittleLionWomen says... · Sun Jun 12, 2011 5:19 am
To be free as a bird,
Is a horrible simile,
For birds are constantly living,
In their own captivity,
Unlike our sheltered selves,
They are living in relentless fright,
Inside their exclusive dwells,
Where day is no different than night.
Last edited by LittleLionWomen on Mon Jun 13, 2011 9:05 pm, edited 2 times in total.
"Think Sideways" -Edward De Bono
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tgirly
Gender Female
Points 1147
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Sun Jun 12, 2011 6:31 am
tgirly says... · Sun Jun 12, 2011 6:31 am
Unlike OUR sheltered selves... if you're going to capitalize Day, maybe you should capitalize night too. Sorry if I seem harsh, just want to say it before I forget, and they're just suggestions. I like the poem a lot. It's simple and short, but in a good way. Welcome to YWS, hope you like it here! :)
When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people.
-Abraham Joshua Heschel
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Sassykat
Gender Female
Points 367
Reviews 165
Mon Jun 13, 2011 2:27 am
Sassykat says... · Mon Jun 13, 2011 2:27 am
Hmm. tgirly got all the ones I noticed except one: your rhyming patter error.

They are living in relentless freight,


Because of your rhyming pattern, and because it will make more sense anyway, and since I have this feeling that this is what you meant anyway, change FREIGHT to FRIGHT.

Awesome. Depressing, but it makes you think. Poor birdies! Amazing.
Shakespearian tongue-twister:

To sit in solemn silence
In a dark, dank dock
In a pestilential prison
With a lifelong lock;
Awaiting the sensation
Of a short, sharp shock
Of a cheap, chippy chopper
On a big black block.
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