Breath In The Thunder

Hi,

I really enjoyed reading this. You use language and imagery very well. The first two lines really drew me in and the tension throughout this stanza is very effective. Stanza four was really good.

There shouldn't be an apostrophe in "rainbow's" because you are not showing the rainbows' possession of anything. I think stanza three was too dramatic and too focused on the speaker and you lost the power of the imagery here. I think the last stanza would be a bit weak. I'd look to the storm as you fade out rather than bringing God in at the last minute.

A pleasure overall.

Hope this helps,

Jas

Hi-ya!!!! First, Your title is very interesting. It should be 'Breathe'. It makes my thinker think!

This stanza is like your willing the rain to take you, and essentially kill you...*wonders why?*

Will you rage against me?
Terrify me and knock me down!
I've got a home,
but it might be better to drown!

Start rivers down my skin, Love this line!
and make me like the ground!
Like a bear in hibernation,
I will sleep as you pound!

This like feels a little forced...

Brilliant! Keep it up!

This was great! I thought it might be better to limit the use of your exclamation marks, so they have more impact. I think someone already pointed out that there should be an apostrophe in "rainbow's."

But anyways, this was really, really enjoyable to read. Nice flow, and cool voice.

-Dai