Rainbow (Chapter 3)

I learned from Rainee that there is a school website. I wanted to check it out. Part of it is because usually the school websites have a little chat box for the students. I really hoped this one had one! When I logged onto my lap top when I got home from school, I searched "Lerra Highschool" into google and it popped up. I was so happy! They do have a chat box. My user was going to be "Scar14". I couldn't wait to start chatting.
There was a lot of people in the room so, I would get to meet a lot of people from this school. It's easier for me to talk on the internet rather than in real life. Here was my amazing chat experience:
Scar14: Hey everyone! You may know me as "Scarlet" but I just joined this so I could have an opportunity of making new friends
Raindrop14: Hey Scarlet! This is Rainee! What's up?
Scar14: Nm. Just got done eating dinner.
Raindrop14: Awesome.
WhimsicalDarling: Hey everyone. I'm new here. My name is Collete and I have a hard time making friends so I was thinking this could be an easier way to make friends.
[b]Scar14: Hey Collete! I think you have Mrs. WinterBottom my hour right?
[/color]:WhimsicalDarling: Oh yea! So.. Raindrop14. Who are you?
[/color]Raindrop14: I'm also in your history class. -.- Listen, I gotta go! Bye Scarlet!
Scar14: See ya!
WhimsicalDarling: It seems like she didn't like me.. :/
Scar14: It's not that it's just.. she's very shy and she's not used to hanging around new people. You just gotta give it a little time. Well, I gotta go eat dinner! Bye Collete! Nice meeting you and I hope to see you in school tomorrow! *waves goodbye* ^-^
WhimsicalDarling: See ya!
[WhimsicalDarling logged off]
As I logged off and ate dinner, I went up to my room to think. I do that a lot which is kinda dorky. I came to a realization that I hope Rainee doesn't act like this to all new people. She didn't act this way around me, maybe something bad happened and I want to get to the bottom of it.

I'm so sorry for those extra color links.. -.- I don't know how to make text in color but... Please just ignore it.

I read your other chapters too and I liked them too. To make it easier to read, I would suggest putting a line between each paragraph and to start a new paragraph when another person begins to speak. It would add much more to your story if you described what Rainbow sees, what she feels, etc.
I am not really an expert at 'show, don't tell' seeing as how I have trouble with that a lot, but it seems you are telling everything. Like instead of telling the reader "I really hoped this one had one!" Show the reader Rainbow's anticipation as the search engine is loading and how she could feel her heart lifting in her chest and barely noticed that she was squealing with delight(It all kind of depends on how happy she is about finding the chat room though).

I have one question though, did Rainbow change her name to Scarlet or are they two different people? In the other chapters, the POV character was Rainbow. Now the POV character is Scarlet in this chapter. Or am I just stupid and missed something in the previous chapters about Rainbow liking to be called Scarlet rather than Rainbow? I do like your characters and their names. Keep writing. I would love to see the next chapter.

Thanks. Obviously I make a lot of mistakes in my writing and I'm sorry for that. But yea. She just made that her user. Because.. hers and Rainees would be to alike. :/

First of all, I've read the three chapters, and the first thing would suggest is that you consolidate at least the first two chapters if not all three into one. Right now each chapter is short and somewhat disjointed. I think you could easily fix this if you combined them. Chapters should be at least a page in length unless they take the form of journal entries. Another general tip for you is to try to write like you would talk, but not go overboard with it. Obviously you don't want your writing to sound super stiff, but it still needs to read like a story. My suggestion to you is to go back through, consolidate your chapters, and work through your story to make sure it reads easily. Also, I agree with Sannah that you should space each paragraph to make it easier to read. And remember that whenever someone speaks they get a new line.
Hope this helps, and I'll come back and do nitpicks soon.

-sare

Okay Her name is Rainbow right?
Then Why would others no her by Scarlet thats confusing

~Dmari