Vince'n Slicer

3 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 300
Reviews 0
"When did your dad start abusing your mother?" The office I sat in was dull. Nothing reallly special about it, cheap tan paint was slathered on the wall and white curtains covered the 2 barred windows. I was in an juvinial shool for the misunderstood. It was like a form of hell, i had a few versions of hell. One was my dad himself, I was my moms only child.
The consoler looked at my sideways turned face, I was starring out the window at the rain pouring down onto the downtown buildings of Fort Worthless, Indiana.
"Vincent are you listening? You need to tell us whats going on so we can help you." His name is Jack and I hated him when he called me by my full name! I was known as Vince'n slicer around the school.
"Last year on my 17th birthday," I snapped, "he slapped my mom for buying me an IPod touch. My mom worked hard at both jobs so hard to buy me that IPod." my eyes began to water as I remember how she died, infront of me!
"Ok Vincent did it all go down hill from there?" He knows exactly what had happend! I know he does, he's seen my file!
"Yes he began to drink much more, and got fired from his job. He wouldn't acknowledge my exisitance either."
Jack sribbled down some notes on his pointless clipboard, "When did you and your mom leave?"
My dad was an asshole, he yelled at my mother who worked her own ass everyday at 2 jobs, she barely even knew me! He was always a drinker and he never acted as I was his own. Her death killed me inside, 1 week before my 18th birthday, one more week and we would have left my dad... One more week.
"WE NEVER DID!!! THAT BASTARD KILLED HER ONE WEEK BEFORE MY 18th BIRTHDAY!!!!" I had enough of this hell hole, I was ready to be gone to see my mom and hope never to seee my dad. I jumped at Jack his clipboard slamming into his face.
June 14th, 2010 I killed my father, and I feel no guilt what so ever. He shot my mom right in the chest, infront of his own son!! He told me if I snitched on him I would be next. I wasn't letting that happen, so I went into the kitchen grabbed a long silver knife.
"Calm down Vince." Jack wasnt scrawny but he wouldnt stand a chance against me. I started pacing,
"I hated him so much Jack, no one understands my life!!! He needed to die so i stabbed his ass!"
I grabbed the knife and went back into the living room, my piece of shit dad sat in his blue reliner!!! My moms body laid with a blank look on her face, like she was asleep with her eyes open! She looked so inocent. Adrenaline pulsed through my veins and i ran at my dad, his slowed reaction didn't kick in until i slit his neck open and watched him gasp and grab for me, I watched my dad bleed to death. His blood covered the chair and the floor.
"Thanks for the beer dad." I popped open a bud lite sat on my bed and listened to the crikets chirp to the moon in the sky.
Last edited by KinRyu17 on Mon Jun 13, 2011 8:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Kin Ryu




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 5497
Reviews 117
Oh, ah, wow x)

-> It wasn't bad but you did make a lot of errors. Starting with the rating. Personally, I think you should have rated it 15+ or something.
-> Your "I"s need to be captial.
-> When did your Dad start abusing your mother?"


'Dad' is not the father's name, yeah? So put that in lower case.

->
"Ok Vinent did it all go down hill from there?" He knows exactly what happend! I know he does, he's seen my file!


a) Vinent , did Commer!
b) what had happened (Happened spelling!)

->
he slapped my mom for buying me a IPod touch

IPad Touch.

->
"Yes he began to drink lots more, and got fired from his job. He wouldn't acknowledge my exisitance either."


Yes. He began to drink lots more. He even got fired from his job.

->
he yelled at my mother who worked her own ass everyday at 2 jobs

Instead of writing the numerical form of "2", it'd be nicer to write the word form. Two.

-> Past tense/ present tense; You showed the past (where the character's mum was being beaten) in the present form. Change that, okay? :)

That's pretty much what I found. Well done. The storyline was really nice, but the rating could have been done properly.
Please try to change that, if you can.

Good luck! :)

-Justtrying.
If I were to have a super power, it would be to time-travel, so that I could turn back time, and erase your very existence.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 6553
Reviews 122
Hello there :)

I'll start out with some nitpicks.

"WE NEVER DID!!! THAT BASTARD KILLED HER ONE WEEK BEFORE MY 18th BIRTHDAY!!!!"

Easy on the caps and exclamation points here and in a few other places. It you want to put emphasis on words, you can also use italics.

It was like a form of hell, I had a few versions of hell. One was my dad himself. I was my moms only child.
The counselor looked at my sideways turned face. I was staring out the window at the rain pouring down onto the downtown buildings of Fort Worthless, Indiana.

And here. Capitalize your "I"'s. A period should go after explaining that his dad was a form of hell, because it doesn't really flow with the next sentence. And then just some minor grammar errors.

"Ok, Vincent. Did it all go down hill from there?"

Again. Comma's and minor grammar errors.

I grabbed the knife and went back into the living room. My piece of shit dad sat in his blue recliner.

And again here...

My moms body laid with a blank look on her face, like she was asleep with her eyes open. She looked so innocent.

And again here.

Overall, this was an interesting piece. It made me wonder about why Jack kept pushing and pushing Vincent to jog his memories.
I do think that you could make some descriptions more clear, but you really wrote out something thats worth the read.
Great job!
keep writing
--Ash
And just when the caterpillar thought her life was over, she turned into a beautiful butterfly.



Deal with the faults of others as gently as with your own.
— Chinese proverb