my poem

The black sheep is leaving,
It was never part of the fold
How can a single black sheep fit among so many white brothers?

The black sheep is gone,
She was never happy in the farm
Her wool was quite different from the fold;
And though the good shepherd had it washed everyday,
To the barn house, it was black, black as death itself.

''Oh!, said the barn head, she has never passed the qualifying test to be a sheep-white, she is nothing but a thorn in our flesh, she is to relate with no one but the pigs".
"Ay, said the members of the barn, the pigs are stubborn, ruthless and dirty, nothing like us, she'll fit in there alright".

But the black sheep has had enough
So one night, she runs away
Forgetting her fear of wolves and wool hunters,
She ran away into the blackness
Not sure of what lay ahead of her.

Farewell, old farmhouse
Farewell, barnyard.
But the good shepherd found her
His wide heart of love
She could not ignore
Her bleeding heart he healed
And she, once lost,
Was now found.

Oh!, what joy abound at the barn house that day
The farm once empty was filled with sounds of laughter
And love replaced hatred.

I hope it's a little bit better this way! the first poem i wrote was the way i felt then. THIS is how i feel now.



Like i said, this poem has nothing to do with racial discrimination, it has to do instead with the problem of not fitting in a place, most people face this problem of not being able to fit into a group either in school, at work or even in your family. I used the metaphoric story of a barnyard and 'the little black sheep'' in the family to describe this. this is for people who are being treated like an outcast and therefore they feel condemned, because they do not fit into a certain clique or way of living or they do not conform to some set rules or behavioral pattern. I've been there too, and i wrote this poem at a time when my heart was filled with bitterness and hatred and i felt like running away, and i always felt bitter, but the word of God says in Rom 8:1, that there is therefore no condemnation for those who are hidden in Christ Jesus, God loves you the way you are and at the same time he's encouraging you to grow. so instead of letting hate fill your heart like the black sheep in the poem, let go of bitterness and pain and let the love of God flow through you. the burden is a lot less and life will be a lot easier, i assure you.

This was beautiful and it was a great story. A lot of people feel like this. The only negative thing I would have to say about it would be it didn't really have that poem feel to it. It certainly was a narrative (and believe me things on this site are hardly ever narratives even if they say they are), but it didn't have that flow a poem should have. This could work as a really short short story, but it needs more flow to be a poem. A structure of some sort:)

But it's still beautiful. I loved it! Although I have no talent whatsoever with reviewing poetry so sorry if you didn't like what I said or you didn't like my review.

Hmm, interesting way of presenting your thoughts/views. I think you should tidy up the technical side of things, right off the bat.

dolwright wrote:The black sheep is leaving,
it was never part of the fold.
How can a single black sheep fit among so many white brothers?

The black sheep is gone.
The black sheep was never happy in the farm.
Her wool was white, OK, so this is confusing. First off you're saying she's black, black, black, but then you state she's a white sheep. This poem in general is really hard to understand, without reading your spoiler. (Message at the end) I think you need to clear up your ultimate message - make it cleared that this sheep -person - is the same as the others, but FEELS different and is TREATED differently. Also, up till here you use 'the black sheep', and FINALLY resort to 'her'. I think you should go back and change some of the 'the black sheep' to 'hers' or 'shes'.
the good shepherd had it washed everyday.
Yet to the barn house, it was black; black as death itself.This is a lot better. It cleans up some of the confusion the reader faces.

''Oh!" said the barn head, "She has never passed the qualifying test to be a sheep-white, she is nothing but a thorn in our flesh, she is to relate with no one but the pigs".
'"Aye, said the members of the barn. "The pigs are stubborn, ruthless and dirty. Nothing like us! She'll fit in there alright".

But the black sheep has had enough,
So one night, she runs away.
Forgetting her fear of wolves and wool hunters,
she ran away into the blackness,
not sure of what lay ahead of her.

Farewell, old farmhouse.
Farewell, barnyard.. Take out one of the (.)
I'm leaving! So in the previous stanza she you talk in the past tense, "she ran", not here, you resort to present tense, "I'm leaving." Fix that up.
A curse be on you till I return.
the love you never showed me, This is difficult to read. Change it to "the love you failed to show me" or something
no one will show you.
May you be empty
Till I return...

OK. I feel you've got a GREAT message to share with the world, but right now this poem really isn't pulling it off. When one reads this, our immediate assumption is that it IS to do with the blacks' treatment before the Civil War, or as you said, racial discrimination. Since you tell us, it's not, in fact, that, I have to start thinking it's something else, but by your poem, it's not clear. I just end up more and more confused throughout. NOT good.

You really need to tidy up your grammar and punctuation, (before posting please, next time!!!) and divide the stanzas better. After that, you can work on the actual content of your poem. What are you trying to tell us, with this? You say you're wanting to portray someone falling for bitterness, instead of being Christ-like and forgiving, as they should be. Personally, I think you'd have a MUCH stronger poem if you showed the sheep being forgiving and humble, like Jesus, and how that's much more rewarding, rather then telling us about a sheep that does the opposite.

In the beginning, you REALLY need to make it clear that this sheep is NOT black, but doesn't fit in. (How Christians don't fit in with the world). You need to give us more of a basis for WHY it doesn't fit in, WHY it's 'black', etc. Also, toward the end, and at the end, you say there is some 'curse' upon the farmhouse, and barn animals for not showing kindness. Are you saying the black sheep is coming back for revenge one day? Or that these people will be punished by God, by ending up in hell one day? Either way, I don't think that's what you want. You want to make it clear that these other 'sheep' have the chance of forgiveness by Christ, but if they refuse him, they will end up in eternal damnation. God is constantly showing us, (His sheep) forgiveness, and love that we NEVER show him, so this last line is really the OPPOSITE of what I believe you're trying to tell.

Anyway, I really think this could go somewhere, but it needs a lot of work. I like the idea, and message you're trying to tell, and the idea of using sheep for comparison is great, but you need to work on this. Hope this review helps, and makes sense, and good luck!

thanks for the comments....i admit my poem needs a little brushing up..my message was not clear enough and i didn't modify it to suit it's purpose,i am sort of new to this sort of thing and i appreciate your efforts at correcting me. thank you.

I don't quite understand, you say her wool is black, then you say it's white? Are you trying to say something like on the outside they were the same, but that she had a different soul??? Well, that's how i took it, I loved the fact that you did it on not fitting in, we all know the feeling, and if you don't well, your not really human then huh???I relixed your "new at this" and it's REALLY, REALLY, REALLY good! i love your style, but the stanza's weren't even, and some rhymed, and others didn't.....Well, point is, i LOVED it! and your really good, just work on putting your point across!!!

I like it I love the part about the shepherd's love in the end. So glad to meet a fellow God lover on here x)