*deleted*

*deleted*

I have, therefore by posting this comment, acknowledge and signify the reservation or my reviewing space.
My child, you have been blessed.
Let no one tell you otherwise....



My review-
First of, I will keep this review considerate ad sweet, as you requested.
It's a basic characteristic of a decent human being. And I pray to God that I am one.

My first negative impressions of this are that it's just really long. Not that it's a bad thing, it just that I haven't reviewed long stuff too much. But I'll try my best...

Stanza by stanza, baby...
FANCIES

First *Fancy sings sweet melodies for the girls who’re forlorn
His initials (were) scarred (on) my right cheek and heart since I was born
So I gave him a chance to be the hero of my happy story,(comma)
But he drank in too much love and slept deeply.(period)

Stop. Stop. Stop.
Here's is what I hear.
A rhyme
A rhyme
B -.-
C -.-
*Are you personifying fancy, here? Because that's what it looks like.Good. But then why is your title plural?

I rolled my eyes to look at Second Fancy-ooooh..makes sense, now...
Whose lamp has shown green light for his fiction-filled inventory
But I realized his life was a fantasy;(semicolon)
Didn’t even try to fake a lie, just lived with Insincerity

Good, good.
God characterization of the second fancy.

Neither could be the hero of our my stories- Who else is there? In the first stanza, you refer to *your* happy story...but who else comes in..?
I'd tossed away silly dreams of being with him, or him
Like Mr. First Fancy
The other had frenzy
Though they gave their Leaf? (what?) more fame,( comma-you get my point...)
I know I’ll never want either of them again

.......(stanza skip)...........

Now it’s time for you…
Fourth Fancy dear, didn’t you hear that you’re a young man who might someday be as famed as they?
Will lonely girls ever deserve the fake connection that would waste their juvenile days?
I know you can’t comprehend-
but try to remember me when a thousand weeps real tears for you
Tears unseen only by you!

(stanza skip)

You couldn’t be the hero of our tale as well
Please forgive a young lass who couldn’t help it and fell
You turned around for
Your Wonderful Lover
Pray you both make it to the end
‘Cause now I’m standing in a corner
Telling the whole world how there was never...

My favorite part.
This is where it all begins to form one idea and make sense.
I love how you tie this all together. really nice.

…a hero in any of these old, sad stories
If I ever look back I’ll only smile my tears away
Four Fancies have come
And four men have gone- lovely ending conclusion. lovely.
Too bad someday each of you might see,(comma)
But by then my Prince have finally come to stay for me- Just to make it end beautifully in rhyme and such.

Overall:
I really liked this poem/song. it's was a nice and well-thought-out compilation of different experiences. Usually I hate romance, but this was more than tolerable. it was smart. More than pretty words made by a respected person.
This actually deserves a like.
*likes*

Just smooth out the minor errors in punctuation, and it will be perfect!
Keep Writing!
--------------------
-Jojo

Spoiler

I know that this wasn't too helpful.. and I'm sorry. I just couldn't find too much to critic and I natural tend to rush through long pieces.
sorry!

I absolutely adored it. The thing from start to finish was good. But to offer one critique I would offer that you change the fact you have no punctuation, I seem to say that a lot, but even poems need some too. Otherwise though, I would not change a thing.

Aww... thanks Ignatius5453.

Jojo, please be fast. I've been itching to hear what people think of this... how they understand or perceive the words... It's weird. I know.

Okay. First things first. The formatting of your post is atrocious. Why is your author's notes in quotes? It draws unnecessary attention to it, aside from looking extremely ugly when combined with the presence of the spoilers and HUGE text at the end with the interspersed text so small you have to strain your eyes to read it. Speaking of, why is the poem form under spoilers in the first place? Or better yet, why are there two versions of the same piece with different line breaks? Make up your mind: do you want this critiqued as a poem or as lyrics? I know I, for one, am not going to critique both, and poetry and lyrics do vary in the areas that are focused on within critiques.

Going back to formatting (because the mish-mash of formatting really, really bothers me), how you present your piece has a HUGE impact on how it is perceived. Right now, I don't even want to start reading either version of the piece because the formatting of the post is so ugly. The obnoxiously quoted author's note, the presence of two versions to be critiqued, the HUGE text at the end: all of them combine to send a very strong signal of "DO NOT REVIEW ME!!! I'M TRYING TOO HARD TO PULL YOUR ATTENTION!!!"

The tone of the PM request doesn't help with the first impression much, either.

Let your piece speak for itself. Rather than making your author's note the feature, put it under a spoiler so that those who do not want to read it can easily skip over it without it being too obtrusive. Pick which version of the piece you want to be critiqued. From the sound of your author's note, you intend this to be a song, so it would make more sense for you to put up the lyrics version rather than the poem. You can always put alternate versions up on your blog for those who are curious. Lastly, there is no need to use such large fonts, even for titling. Doing so makes you look like an attention whore, which is an impression I'm sure you want to avoid, so I suggest refraining from using large fonts in the future.

Talk to me if you fix up the formatting, and I may critique the actual piece. Right now, though, I just can't bring myself to read past the first line because the post looks so ugly, and it's extremely distracting.

Ok, Mr. 'Lorry. I've did what you said but never mind the review.

Hey Jash! I've been a bit busy lately, but I promise you, I'll get to it. I'm locking my WRFF thread for the time being, but I'll have this done within two weeks, I swear on my life and your life. 0:3

So anyway, this is reserved reviewing space. I'll post the link on my profile to remind myself. ^^

So, I read the first stanza, then started reading the second one. Suddenly, I realized what it was you were saying, reread, and got chills. It's beautiful, dear.

By the way, I had to blow the page up to read the tiny writing. Would you mind using the small font that we can still read? Kthnx. ;P

And again, I love the message of this song. It's so true.

Chose her scarlet game to fame

Game? I was expecting an article of clothing, to be honest.

He could stare straight in the sun without blinding his full, blue eyes

Why could he stare at the sun? Was he superman?

But he wasn’t the hero of my wanted happy story
I hope he finds his love and starts a fam’ly soon

I know the feeling.

Dear Fourth Fancy, you’re the only one I’ve met among you all
Someday you’ll be famed as they; I hope you won’t build up a wall
The years you’ve spent with your wooden friends were all worthwhile
We’ll see each other soon and throw each other smiles

I don't understand this last stanza. What are you trying to say?


At the end.....don't say you're sleepy and have to go. This is a static piece--what you were doing when you posted it is irrelevant. I've probably said similar things, but I try to avoid it now. It's not necessary.

Also, why are you shouting at me? :O

Oh... I did? But I used size 100...

Hey. First of all, fantastic job. I really enjoyed it. It's beautiful and illuminates truth, while telling a story. Doing all this well is a difficult job for any poem but I think you've pulled it off. You have just the right levels of sorrow, hope and vindictiveness to balance it all out.

So, if I liked it so much, what's the critique? On a technical level, the poem has a few flaws. The first two lines are deftly written iambic pentameter, so I got prepared for that rhythm scheme throughout the poem. (For those reading this who don't know, iambic pentameter is when every other syllable is stressed and there are a total of five stresses in the line.) After this, though, you launch out into free verse, which is a little jarring. Personally, since a lot of your lines work perfectly with iambic pentameter, I'd suggest you structure the whole thing as such.

As a side note, my personal favorite lines:

"And when the sun glared out, it didn’t blind his full, blue eyes"

"If for love I’d dared to dare I think he could have been…"

Keep writing!

Hmmm. I think I'll review this as if it were a song since that's how you intended it and it makes a lot of difference rhythm-wise. If this was poetry, there'd be a lot to change as far as line breaks and stuff but when you sing, you can stretch the words to fit more easily. Since I don't know what tune this would be sung to, I can't comment much on rhythm but I'll try to give you a few comments/ pieces of advise on the words themselves:

FANCIES

First Fancy sings sweet melodies for the girls who’re forlorn [This line is really pretty. Its meaning isn't immediately visible but I like it. I think maybe it should be 'who are' instead of 'who're' though, it's easier to sing and fits the flow better.]
His initials scarred my right cheek and heart since I was born
So I gave him a chance to be the hero of my happy story [I'd suggest a line break after be.]
But he drank in too much love and slept deeply [Flow is a little off here. Maybe add in a 'so' before deeply.]

I rolled my eyes to look at Second Fancy [I think this could be more exciting. And I'm not sure if a person rolls their eyes to look at someone. Sounds a bit awkward.]
Whose lamp has shown green light for his fiction-filled inventory [This line is a little long, makes it hard to fit it in there! It sort of works if you say in-ven-try instead of inventory. Maybe specify it as like that?]
But I realized his life was a fantasy
Didn’t even try to fake a lie, just lived with Insincerity [Who didn't try to fake a lie? It's a little obscure and the flow wouldn't be damaged by using a he or and I at the beginning of this line.]

Neither could be the hero of our stories [Where does the our come in? Stick to my.]
I'd tossed away silly dreams of being with him, or him
Like Mr. First Fancy
The other had frenzy
Though they gave their Leaf more fame [Not sure about this line. This stanza in general is a little bland compared to the others.]
I know I’ll never want either of them again

Then...

Third Fancy mopped a sleek tune of hope which caught my ears
Sadly my small voice sank in thunderous cheers so he couldn’t even hear [Slightly awkward run-on line.]
How he blew my mind and stole my time in thirty-two long days
His strangely lovely modesty I wished the world could never fade
I wish I never could have said
That inside I admired his thirteenth Run under a dark, grey sky [Nice line.]
And when the sun glared out, it didn’t blind his full, blue eyes
His light golden hair wasn’t pretty, but I didn’t care since
If for love I’d dared to dare I think he could have been…

But he wasn’t the hero of my wanted happy story
I hope he finds his true love and starts a fam’ly soon [Not really liking this line at all. It doesn't have the same sentiments as the others and is somehow going off topic or too specific when it mentions family.]
Third story has ended
According to trend
When he gets that glorious Ring of his
I’ll watch him from afar and stare as if I were a Jew [Not sure if I understand what you're referencing here.]
I’ll smile as if I were a Jew

Now it’s time for you…
Fourth Fancy dear, didn’t you hear that you’re a young man who might someday be as famed as they? [Could be a stronger line. You're losing the quality somewhat.]
And those lonely girls, will they ever deserve the fake connection that would waste their juvenile days?
I know you can’t comprehend
But try to remember me when a thousand weeps real tears for you
But these tears will be unseen to you...

Oh, I hate these feelings which crushed my heart to tiny bits [Too cliche for my liking.]
Like the Three, you never knew or wanted me, to say the least
A childish heart could be easily wrenched but so hard to mend
This, you should have known even before you played pretty notes I myself have formed

You couldn’t be the hero of our tale as well
Please forgive a young lass who couldn’t help it and fell
You turned around for
Your Wonderful Lover
Pray you both make it to the end
‘Cause now I’m standing in a corner
Telling the whole world how there was never...

…a hero in any of these old, sad stories [You're picking up again. I like the above stanza and this line in particular.]
If I ever look back I’ll only smile my tears away
Four Fancies have come
And four men have gone
Too bad someday each of you might see
But by then my Prince have finally come to stay [A rather weak ending.]

Alright so I thought this started off really strongly but then it lost the rhythm and the words weren't as strong either. You picked it up again a little toward the end but I think you should defineately revise that middle section. Also, I'd have liked to see something a little more original for the very end. Try to avoid ending on a cliche because it makes your writing less memorable which would be a shame. What you've got here's pretty good and you should do those early stanzas justice and round it off decently.

I hope this is of some help to you,

Heather xxx

Look, this poem has a lot of potential - good idea, with a strong theme and powerful wording. However, the structure is atrocious, unfortunately I'll have to agree with some previous reviewers int hat respect. It's a little difficult to read, and the punctuation is very off.

I like the way you connect your ideas, and you use nice and quirky vocab which I also applaud - just work on the structural aspect, and it should be great.

Miss Kitty, I understand what you mean by a weak ending. But I hope it isn't that disappointing since even though it may sound cliche, it is what I know, and what I believe... so, I'm not so sure in rephrasing that...

But OH! Thank you so much, guys! Honestly, really helped. =) Imma fix the unforgivable flaws as soon as I get to. =D/

Can't believe I've editing this post 23 times already. I keep on re-reading it. I think I should stop editing it for awhile, huh... so I could refresh my mind before further editing.

jash,

i'm not really good at reviewing as i am not considering myself as a writer.. But this story did capture some moments from my past though some parts are confusing.. ;@) btw, as far as i can understand the story, it is more about 4 individuals with common mistakes... The story somehow related to Sleeping Beauty..

I like the last part... "but then my king have finally come to stay...". As a whole, i like the story.... Keep writting....

Your friendly neighbor,
senzafine

I. Love. This!
Your piece is just beautiful. I love how different it is - it is like nothing i have ever read before and not in the slightest bit dull. The quirky vocabulary gives it character. You did lose me, though, very briefly here and there, but apart from that - wonderful!
Totally unique and absolutely brilliant.
Lovely.