He's Different, Hes....

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I was supposed to be normal. I think my mom dropped me or something. My name is duncaan price and I am 14 years old. I live in the great Moscow, Russia. But right now, I'm being transferred over to Rome Italy to live with my eldest sister Elizabeth price since my parents were murdered and I would have been alone. I hugged my dusty black bag closer to me when the boy that was escorting glared at me in anger.

He looked like he was rather... A hoodlum, well, some how. He had messy brown hair with blonde natural highlights. His eyes were forest green and he had white sharp teeth. He had the earrings at the top of his right ear and two below his bottom lip called "snake bites". He wore black slacks and a white shirt with a black ripped up coat and chains hanging from his pockets and cross necklaces hanging from his neck.

The boy was the complete was the complete opposite of me. I had nice straight brown hair. My eyes were ocean blue with noticeable amounts of gold in them. My clothes were normal school slacks, white button up, black coat, black tie, and shoes. He licked at his tongue piercing and gave me an odd stare.

I started shaking quickly.what if he tried to hurt me? Or leave me at the wrong stop? Streams of tears flew down my pale cheeks that were now reddening, I sniffed in sadness. Why would he do that to me? But this was partly because of my parents had attempted to leave me when they got murdered. Did I tell you I panicked easily and I had O.D.C (obsessive compulsive disorder) which means that I like things to be perfect at all times. He drew in a harsh gasp and threw my bags away from me to get closer.

The sad thing was, was that he was 16 and I was his uncle of the sort. He wiped my tears away with his black and white striped gloved hands. After my commotion which some passengers on the train had seen I was just shaking and twitching slightly. "What's wrong with you?" he asked me softly.

"Y-Your gonna leave me some-somewhere and I-I'm gonna be all alone and s-sad and sc-scared!" he laughed lightly at me and pat my head.

"I wouldn't do that to my favorite uncle that's younger than I am!" I kinda remembered this boy. He was the kindest to me of Elizabeth's sons and the neatest. He would always play with me even if the older boys were doing something fun. I smiled softly and myself and looked down.

"Well, th-thank you."

"Yeah, no prob. I may seem scary on the outside, but I have love for almost everyone on the inside."

"T-That's sweet. I'm duncaan price. It's nice to meet my sisters son after so long." he smirked at me and crossed his arms. "You've gotten so tall!"

"Ha, and you've gotten so short and feminine. But that's what being a neat freak does to yah. I'm O'Connor Vlademire. Nice to finally see you again," I blushed lightly at him with a smile. He was, and still is, a nice young man.

After a few minutes the train stopped abruptly. Some of us left the train and the train driver ran back to his front room and made the train speed up again.

I turned around to see many people walking, some even running around, shoving people rudely. Someone pushed me down making me fall. I don't believe I know how O'Connor did it, but he grabbed the mans hair and made him apologize to me, and he was much older than the both of us!

"No wait O'Connor let him go!" I gasped. He laughed lightly at me and threw him down, picked up all my bags and walked off. I smiled slightly and ran to catch up with him. I saw a long line at the taxi stand but O'Connor pulled me to the side. He waited for a few minutes with me and a taxi came jumping towards us. It stopped delicately. We both got in and heard groans and screams of 'No fair!'s and 'he cut!'s. "maybe we should wait in line O'Connor..." I trailed off my babbling making him laugh.

"Oh nonsense Duncaan, your so cute. I called this taxi to pick us up. They're just waiting there because it's cheaper." I frowned a bit and held my luggage close to my body. "So Russian. Why have you decided to visit me of all our relatives in the world?" I rubbed my eyes as soft tears dripped from them.

I was weak. I promised I would talk about it with ease to everyone. "W-Well! My mo-mother and father were mur-murdered." he groaned and face palmed himself. "Wha-what?"

"I promised myself I wouldn't make you cry like the last time I saw you and I already did! Twice!" He started licking his piercing on his bottom lip quickly, like a habit of some sort. As the taxi stopped, we got out and a beautiful mansion stood before me. It was white and had Greek columns around them. I gasped and turned to O'Connor.

"it's amazing!" I turned again and thought, my bags! I ran in the taxi and grabbed all my bags and when they all dropped in front of me, the cab drove off in search of another customer.

O'Connor picked up my bags and walked into the house. I heard Italian music spread through the home happily, kids were jumping around and dancing, mothers were in the kitchen drinking wine and laughing, fathers were outside barbecuing or watching the game on a huge flat screen, kids of all ages were running, dancing, singing, and swimming.

O'Connor was probably the oldest boy maybe. He turned to me with a sly grin. "I'll put your bags in your room, look for my mom." He winked at me and walked up the stairs, leaving me alone. I walked onto the kitchen to see multiple adults chattering about their lives and problems.

"Um... Is Elizabeth around?" they all turned to me silently. A woman walked out from the crowd happily. She had bright lively green eyes and black curly hair, her skin was tanned and she wore a long white Mexican dress with colorful lining at the shoulders.

"Duncaan!" she ran to me and gave me a hug. She was 24 right now. "Oi, did O'Connor pick you up? I sent him out! Where is that boy!?" she looked around the room in anger.

"Oh, he got me Lizzy. He's putting my bags in a room right now." she smiled and hugged me once again.

"It's good to see you again! Oi, have fun,enjoy the party, Kay?" she said in a thick Italian accent.

"Okay." I turned around but she called me back.

"And Duncaan!" I turned to her and her friends. "Go change into something more loose! Your in Italy! Have fun and relax honey!!" I nodded and turned up the stairs and bumped right into O'Connor.

"Eh?"

"I need to change into something else instead of my school clothes." He grinned and dragged me into his room.

"Well, you haven't unpacked yet, let me change you!" he took off my coat and ripped the white button up in half. He pulled my pants down to my ankles and dragged me closer to his wardrobe by taking the tie. He made me put on some black shorts hitting my knees that were very loose and they showed my boxers. He let me use one of his tight grey tank tops and a pair of flip flops. I was about to walk out but he made me put on a green Bracelet. "Never take this off. Please?" he begged.

"O-Of course not!" I promised I wouldn't and we walked down the stairs together. Some kids looked at my bracelet and glared at O'Connor.

"So, you wanna go swimming?" I smiled and took his hand. As the parents all talked inside, even the ones barbecuing, the large groups of kids ganged up on us in a giant circle.

"Who's this Thorn?" a boy with bleach blonde hair a green eyes asked.

"None of your fucking business Jax." he snarled back, holding my hand tightly.

"I apologize for your nephews rudeness, sir. I am Jr. Also known as Jax." He bowed down and kissed my hand, "You're very soft and innocent. I like that." I pulled my hand back and looked up at O'Connor.

"You'll be fine. I'll tell him myself. Okay?" they all hissed in anger.

"I want him!" a pig tailed girl screamed. O'Connor screeched loudly, silencing everyone.

"No! He's mine, now get over it."

"Did he even agree?" another boy asked, licked his lips at me.

"He doesn't need too, I'm older than he is, I choose."another boy walked through the crowd and shook my hand.

"Hello Duncaan, I've heard a lot about you, you may not remember me, or any of us for that matter. But I am firus, and we are all vampires."
Last edited by AlleyCatFromHell on Fri Jun 10, 2011 5:13 am, edited 1 time in total.




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There were plenty of errors here in this story. First, your CAPITALIZATION. I marked it with pink, it includes the names and the beginning of the sentence and paragraphs. Ok, some sentences did not have a good flow. Some were over described.

Ok here it goes:

I was supposed to be normal. I think my mom dropped me or something. My name is duncaan price and I am 14 years old.you should capitalize the name of the person I live in the great Moscow, Russia. But right now, I'm being transferred over to Rome Italy to live with my eldest sister lizebethName! sensesince my parents were murdered and I would have been alone. I hugged my bag closer to me as the boy Who was escorting my was glaring at me.
you should revise this sentence

He had brown hairyou have mention it on the second sentence and looked like he was rather... A hoodlum, well, some of the sortwhat?. He had messy brown hair with blonde natural highlights. His eyes were forest green and he had white sharp teeth. He had the earrings at the top of his right ear and two below his bottom lip called "snake bites". He wore black slacks and a white shirt with a black ripped up coat and chains hanging from his pockets and cross necklaces hanging from his neck.you were putting much description here,

This part is very confusing. After stating that Duncaan is not normal, there it is! There is a man? What's happening? Where are they?

He was the complete opposite of me. I had nice straight brown hair. My eyes were ocean blue with noticeable amounts of gold in them. My clothes were normal school slacks, white button up, black coat, black tie, and shoes. He licked at his tongue piercing and gave me an odd stare.

I started shaking quicklyI dunno if this is appropriate in this sentence.what if he tried to hurt me? Or leave me at the wrong stop? Streams of tears flew down my pale cheeks that were now reddening, I sniffed in sadness. Why would he do that to me? Did I tell you I panicked easily and I had O.D.C (obsessive compulsive disorder) which means that I like things to be perfect at all times. He drew in a harsh gasp and threw my bags away from me to get closer.

The sad thing was, was that he was 16 and I was his uncle of the sort. He wiped my tears away with his black and white striped gloved hands. After my commotion which some passengers on the train had seen I was just shaking and twitching slightly. "what's wrong with you?" he asked me softly.

"y-your gonna leave me some-somewhere and I-I'm gonna be all alone and s-sad and sc-scared!" he laughed lightly at me and pat my head.

"I wouldn't do that to my favorite uncle that's younger than I am!" I kinda remembered this boy. He was the kindest to me of lizabeths sons and the neatest. He would always play with me even if the older boys were doing something fun. I smiled softly and myself and looked down.

"well, th-thank you."

"yeah, no prob. I may seem scary on the outside, but I have love for almost everyone on the inside."

"that's sweet. I'm duncaan price. It's nice to meet my sisters son after so long." he smirked at me and crossed his arms. "you've gotten so tall!"

"ha, and you've gotten so short and feminine. But that's what being a neat freak does to yah. I'm O'Connor Vlademire. Nice to finally see you again," I blushed lightly at him with a smile. He was, and still is, a nice young man.

After a few minutes the train stopped abruptly. "WE ARE NOW AT THE BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY OF ITALY WITH ITS AMAZING CAPITAL OFyou can omit this ROME!! Any takers?!" after some of us left the train the man ran back to his front room and made the train speed up again.

I turned around to see many people walking around, some even running aroundrepetition, shoving people rudely. Someone pushed me down making me fall. I don't believe I know how O'Connor did it, but he grabbed the mans hair and made him apologize to me, and he was much older than the both of us!

"no wait O'Connor let him go!" I gasped. He laughed lightly at me and threw him down, picked up all my bags and walked off. I smiled slightly and ran to catch up with him. I saw a long line at the taxi stand but O'Connor pulled me to the side. He waited for a few minutes with me and a taxi came jumping towards us. It stopped delicately. We both got in and heard groans and screams of 'No fair!'s and 'he cut!'s. "maybe we should wait in line O'Connor..." I trailed off my babbling making him laugh.

"oh nonsense duncaan, your so cute. I called this taxi to pick us up. They're just waiting there because it's cheaper." I frowned a bit and held my luggage close to my body. "so Russian. Why have you decided to visit me of all our relatives in the world?" I rubbed my eyes as soft tears dripped from them.

I was weak. I promised I would talk about it with ease to everyone. "w-well! My mo-mother and father were mur-murdered." he groaned and face palmed himself. "wha-what?"

"I promised myself I wouldn't make you cry like the last time I saw you and I already did! Twice!" he started licking in piercing on his bottom lip quickly, like a habit of some sort. As the taxi stopped, we got out and a beautiful mansion stood before me. It was white and had Greek columns around them. I gasped and turned to O'Connor.

"it's amazing!" I turned again and thought, my bags! I ran in the taxi and grabbed all my bags and when they all dropped in front of me, the cab drove off in search of another customer.

O'Connor picked up my bags and walked into the house. I heard Italian music spread through the home happily, kids were jumping around and dancing, mothers were in the kitchen drinking wine and laughing, fathers were outside barbecuing or watching the game on a huge flat screen, kids of all ages were running, dancing, singing, and swimming.

O'Connor was probably the oldest boy maybe. He turned to me with a sly grin. "I'll put your bags in your room, look for my mom." he winked at me and walked up the stairs, leaving me alone. I walked onto the kitchen to see multiple adults chattering about their lives and problems.

"um... Is Lizabeth around?" they all turned to me silently. A woman walked out from the crowd happily. She had bright lively green eyes and black curly hair, her skin was tanned and she wore a long white Mexican dress with colorful lining at the shoulders.

"Duncaan!" she ran to me and gave me a hug. She was 24 right now. "oi, did O'Connor pick you up? I sent him out! Where is that boy!?" she looked around the room in anger.

"oh, he got me Lizzy. He's putting my bags in a room right now." she smiled and hugged me once again.

"it's good to see you again! Oi, have fun,enjoy the party, Kay?" she said in a thick Italian accent.

"okay." I turned around but she called me back.

"and Duncaan!" I turned to her and her friends. "go change into something more loose! Your in Italy! Have fun and relax honey!!" I nodded and turned up the stairs toit should be and bump into O'Connor.

"eh?"

"I need to change into something else instead of my school clothes." he grinned and dragged me into his room.

"well, you haven't unpacked yet, let me change you!" he took off my coat and ripped the white button up in half. He pulled my pants down to my ankles and dragged me closer to his wardrobe by taking the tie. He made me put on some black shorts hitting my knees that were very loose and they showed my boxers. He let me use one of his tight grey tank tops and a pair of flip flops. I was about to walk out but he made me put on a green Bracelet. "never take this off. Please.question mark is well suited in this sentence" he begged.

"o-of course not!" I promised I wouldn't and Weis should be small letter w walked down the stairs together. Some kids looked at my bracelet and glared at O'Connor.

"so, you wanna go swimming?" I smiled and took his hand. As the parents all talked inside, even the ones barbecuing, the large groups of kids gangs up on us in a giant circle.

"who's this Thorn?" a boy with bleach blonde hair a green eyes asked.

"none of your fucking business Jax." he snarled back, holding my hand tightly.

"I apologize for your nephews rudeness, sir. I am jr. Also known as Jax." he bowed down and kissed my hand, "youryou're very soft and innocent. I like that." I pulled my hand back and looked up at O'Connor.

"you'll be fine. I'll tell him myself. Okay?" they all hissed in anger.

"I want him!" a pig tailed girl screamed. O'Connor screeched loudly, silencing everyone.

"no! He's mine, now get over it."

"did he even agree?" another boy asked, licked his lips at me.

"he doesn't need too, I'm older than he is, I choose." another boy walked through the crowd and shook my hand.

"hello Duncaan, I've heard a lot about you, you may not remember me, or any of us for that matter. But I am firus, and we are all vampires."


Ok STORY-WISE :

I liked this one because this was my first time to read a gay story. Duncaan and O'Conor. I am quite surprised with the twist in the ending... we are all vampires. What does that mean? They want to drink Duncaan's blood? They want him to join them? Did O'Connor fall in love with him? After reading the this, I am very interested to read your next post. I wanted to know what will happen to Duncaan.

Again just work in your CAPITALIZATION...
I'm not that harsh, Am I? Others will have a much more critique than I have done... Okay, Overall, it's good :)
It is our choices that show what we truly are far more than our abilities

Paul Zione




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Grammar. Grammar, grammar, grammar. I would have liked to enjoy it more, but the grammar was so patchy that it took away from the story. I hate to say this, and I hate to discourage you, but there wasn't very much good grammar. What I found strange was some of it was good, and then all of a sudden, it just reverted back to being capital letter-less. The main problems I found were in capitalization and dialogue. Always capitalize the beginning of a sentence and/or dialogue, the name of a proper nouns, etc. At the end of a bit of dialogue, always put a comma.
"Right now, I am doing a review on The Young Writers Society website," I said.
Yes, it's a lame sentence. But it shows good grammar! Note the capital letters, the quotes, the commas, the tag line.
Main point:
GRAMMAR.



“I'm so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers.”
— L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables