#2- Kendra: Part Two

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Blood Lust
Kendra: Part Two


Serah stared out at her masterpiece. Beautiful. Sickly beautiful. May as well have some fun before she goes, eh?
A secret control center stood below her. Before she brought Kendra into this, 215 people filled the army of Condemned. Now there would be 216, which was Serah’s favorite number. Each one sat at a table with black goggles that covered their pierced eyeballs, and each one thought they were living their lives just as they were before they met the creature. In fact, they thought Serah was nothing but a dream.
Her arm hooked around Kendra’s, as if she was a nurse escorting her.
“Sit down dear.” She looked at her victim.
“Okay… Where are we really?”
“At your house, honey. Your bed is right there, sit down.”
“I- I can’t see anything.”
“Sure you can,” Serah briefly patted Kendra’s back comfortingly, “Right there is a queen sized mattress with a light blue comforter and white pillows. In the room next door, your little 2 month old daughter, Melanie, is sleeping.”
“Oh, I guess- I guess it’s just the injury; I’m hallucinating that there’s darkness. That’s probably possible, isn’t it?” She stuttered. It was easy for the lady to cave. She was so confused that she had no choice but to trust this stranger. There was no other choice, right?
“We’ll talk to the doctor in the morning. Get some rest.” With that, Kendra tried to picture the scene. She knew her home, of course, but something didn’t fall into place. She shook off the thought, unwilling to contemplate any frightening possibilities. “Do you trust what I’m telling you, Miss Kendra?”
“I have to.” As she said this, Serah smiled.
“Yes, I would say that you do.”
“Then I’m choosing to trust you.”
Immediately, Kendra felt instantly at home. Her vision came back to her; she could see the bed she was sitting on, the door that separated her from her lovely daughter, and her nurse.
She was seeing all this, right?

Two days passed as Kendra continued on her way, thinking she was living just the way she should. She checked in on Melanie, made her meals, read her paper. It was a calm, easy life and that’s just how she liked it. No need to worry about anything bad happening and especially not that nightmare she had had the other day. Only Serah could see that she was really just sitting among two hundred other people, looking straight ahead vacantly. The scene never got old to her.
Walking up and down the aisles of metal chairs and Condemned soldiers, Serah brushed each sweating head with her long, demon black nails. The scraping against dry skin was fine music to her ears. She approached Kendra. Something about Kendra’s blood made Serah squirm. The fact that anything could possibly make her, of all people, uncomfortable, also made her desire it more.
Her hand hovered within an inch of the victim’s head, feeling the heat radiate. Serah sucked in a deep breath. She could almost feel her soldier’s blood pounding and rushing. A beat, like a heartbeat, pulsed in her ears. What was so special about Kendra that she would hesitate before drawing blood? Soon she began to smell it and taste it. Copper wafts encircled her, entranced her. She shook her head and the sensations cleared. Curiously and cautiously, she crept her hand back to the soldier’s head. The sensations came back, surrounding her once more. Serah’s tongue glided smoothly across her lips. What makes me ache for the sweet metal yet feel so repulsed by it? What could hold such agony on me, the Queen of Death?! Her anger at the power of Kendra’s blood swelled into rage. She was the Most High here, not some rat! Her instincts of ire told her to attack and consume the power, but she couldn’t. An invisible force, a mystic strength was putting a wall between the Queen of Death and this mighty blood! How dare anything stand for such foolishness?! How dare anything oppose the Leader of the Condemned?! Snap! Her fingers clicked together and she appeared crouched like a hunting cat on top of the table. She faced Kendra and lurched a bit closer, drawing a finger softly under the victim’s chin.
“What makes you so special?” Serah hissed.




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:) Excellent.
I think I can already see what's going to happen, not the over all story which is looking awesome, just what's going to happen with these two. I hope there ends up being a twist, lots of twists, that take me by surprise.
Keep writting, can't wait to read the next part. :)
All this time I thought I was learning how to live,
when in fact I've been learning how to die.




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All right, here for the second part!

So first off, I'd like to get into Serah's head a bit more. Right now I'm just seeing the surface part of her, and I don't know a lot about her as a character. What's motivating her? Why is 216 her favorite number? What's she thinking as she's inspecting her troops? Is she working with anyone else, someone who can help her with her conquest?

I think the details of what makes Kendra think she's back at home would also be good to include. For one, it'd give some more substance to the story, and I think it'd be interesting to hear. Plus, it would give a good clue as to what setting this story's in, because I don't really have a good idea. Is it space age? Normal suburban with a dangerous underworld? I'm not even sure what time period this is taking place; I'm guessing modern from the faint image I have of the alleyway and Kendra's home.

The last part, where Serah's intrigued by Kendra's blood, is probably my favorite part. Something unusual and mysterious is always a good twist to a story, and Serah's thoughts on the matter make for some really good insight into just who she is and how she operates. I don't think you need quite so many exclamation points, though, as too much punctuation can really detract from the value of your work, since you're relying on marks to convey emotion and emphasis instead of words. But that's a pretty minor nitpick of mine.

All right, so that's all I've got to say. Please don't hesitate to PM me or write on my wall if you've got any questions or whatnot. Keep on writing! Cheers. =)
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle




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You should put it into story mode so it's easier to read. It's really creepy.
When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people.
-Abraham Joshua Heschel



I don't think so alliyah, but don't quote me on that.
— TheBlueCat