The Tales of Blood Lust

Blood Lust
Preview/Introduction

“Oh sweet copper…” Serah licked her lips slowly, savoring every bit of blood as it crept onto her tongue. Was she a vampire? That depends on the meaning of the word. If a vampire is one who sucks the blood out of others, then she wasn’t a vampire. She didn’t suck blood at all.
It was midnight, her favorite time of the day. Serah stepped around the dead body in front of her, careful not to touch the pool of blood that streamed from his torso. Such a waste of blood- defiled on the ground. What a shame that she only managed to catch a little drop of before the man fell and ruined her plans. Oh well, it was time for her to get going anyway. Somebody would find the body soon and wonder how it all happened. There was no way they’d catch her. Snap! Her fingers clicked together and she appeared in an alleyway, about three miles east of the dead man.
Oh, how she longed for that blood…
“Serah, you’ve returned to us so soon?” A tall woman stood before her. Fishnet hugged her legs and arms. A black robe undulated in the cool wind. Four others stood behind her, creating a V formation.
“You’re too easy, Chelsea, you know that.” Serah let a sly smile stretch on one side of her face.
“Then why haven’t you worked your little magic tricks on me yet?” Chelsea retorted.
“And leave these four poor souls unattended? Never.” Her sarcasm floated casually to Chelsea’s ear. The crew turned and began to walk away, pretending to be suddenly disinterested. Just what Serah had intended. Of course it worked; she always got her way. With that, she snapped her fingers behind her back. A splintering stake of rotting wood appeared in her fist. Then she snapped with her other hand, showing up behind Chelsea without a sound. “Knock, knock…” Serah whispered in a ghastly hoarse voice. She slowly pressed her cold, bony fingers on Chelsea’s shoulder. Immediately the enemy froze. “One” She tightened her grip. “Two” A firm squeeze made Chelsea gasp for air. She started to cripple down and her posse fled.
“Stop-” Chelsea managed to squeak. Serah curved her pale hand, allowing her sharp nails to push against her opponent’s skin, finally dropping her to her knees with pain. Serah could hear the faint pop of skin as young blood seeped onto her nails, painting them with a crimson red. Just when she thought the girl had enough, she released one hand, only to swing her stake straight through Chelsea’s back. The smell of fresh kill rose to her nostrils.
“Three”
Satisfied with her job well done, she licked the gel off her fingers. The small taste wasn’t enough. The desire grew more intense inside her. She glanced down at her now dead foe… blood was beginning to drench the robe. At first she was reluctant, but one should always feed their hungry desires, correct? So she stopped holding back. She flew forward, crashing to the ground next to the bloodied witch. Adrenaline fueled her hands to pluck the wood nearly effortlessly from its resting place. Riiiiiip! She tore the jacket from the body, snapping each thread with a popping noise similar to the one made when she penetrated Chelsea’s skin, only louder. This encouraged her. Finally, the pallid flesh revealed itself to her, taunting her to press more blood out of it, so she did. Her palms slid to the sides of the wound and slowly pressed down and moved inward, forcing more and more blood to flow parallel to the witch’s spine. The ruby gel called to her, “Seraaah.” Oh, blood is most definitely the master of seduction with its beautiful scarlet glow, taunting voice…. She couldn’t stand it anymore! Her soft pink tongue stretched toward Chelsea’s back. At first, moving quickly from the rush, then slowing to savor the metallic flavor. Up and down, the body still warm and bleeding. The salty flesh mixed well with the blood, she thought. Her wet mouth reached the open wound. Serah moaned with delight as more of the sticky fluid crept onto her lips. Her tongue flittered around the hole like a snake. Ah, yes- blood is indeed the master of seduction.
The blood gave her power! She drank her enemy’s blood and now the world belonged to her. Her stiletto heal dug into Chelsea’s side, turning her over as she walked away. What was she to do with her newfound power? With the lasting adrenaline rush that came out of this intoxicating red goo? If the blood gave her the power to teleport herself and create new things at the very moment her fingers met, what else could she do? Thinking about it brought a smirk to her face.

Yes, what else can I do?




Bloodlust
Kendra: Part 1

I, Serah, being of no sound mind, intend to gather my army. I’ve spent my time observing the next victims- learning exactly how to pull them in; there is a lie that works for everyone. I know my fate, I know it well. I know of my condemnation, I’m determined to bring my own fate upon others. I’ll call us the Best Ones but only I shall know our real name: The Condemned.

Kendra glanced out her window. It was stormy outside. All she could hear was the rain knocking on the window and the wind blowing the November leaves around. She glanced at the clock: Midnight. It had been two hours since she checked on her daughter, Melanie. Her legs felt heavy as they reached the cold floor. Her head peaked around the corner of her doorway into the nursery. She shuffled to the crib.
“Melanie…” She sang in the happiest voice she could pull off. A soft crying assured her that the baby was indeed safe. She probably needed a changing. She peered down into the crib expecting something completely different than what she saw. “Melanie!” Blood coated the crib and there lay her precious daughter like a worn out baby doll. A gaping hole the size of a fist had been dug into the child’s abdomen. A tender heart had revealed itself and it was still pumping, slower and slower… Kendra was mesmerized by the beating of her child’s heart. It tugged at her, watching the slowing thumps.
“You knew it was coming. You knew you shouldn’t have left her there for more than an hour.” Serah whispered into Kendra’s ear from behind her.
“Y-yes.” Kendra gulped, wide eyed while still hypnotized by Melanie’s heart.
“But you can make this up to yourself, can’t you?”
“I can?”
“Well one can’t undo what has been done, sadly. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. Join me. You’ll forgive yourself when you taste the blood.”
“I don’t- I don’t know what you’re trying to-”
“Silence!” Serah cut her off with her impatience and anger. She took a deep breath and collected herself. “I promise you that you’ll be fine and that your family will understand- even be proud of you.” There’s a lie that works for everyone.
“They will?” Kendra began to turn around to see Serah when the creature’s hand met her back to stop her. Serah wasn’t even making any sense, but it didn’t matter. She would get her way.
“Okay…” Kendra inhaled.
“Then you won’t need these. You’ll see in a new way.” She caressed Kendra’s face from behind her and slowly slid her fingertips next to her victim’s eyes.
“What are you-”
“Silence…” Serah whispered. Her sharp black nails crept on top of Kendra’s eyes. She pressed down on the lens, sending a burning sensation through the new recruit’s body. Her knuckles bent; she pushed her nails into the eyeballs. A squishing noise sounded as the tips of her nails penetrated the cornea. She dug around to the back of her victim’s eyes, scraping and scratching the bone backing the now punctured peepers. The hilarious part was that Kendra was trying to cry. This brought joy to Serah’s face.
“Agh!” the mother cried. A grin of satisfaction and she plucked her fingers free.
“You’re mine now. I’m in control.”
“I didn’t,” Kendra gasped, shaking from pain, “I didn’t agree to this.” She tilted her head up, as if to look, but it didn’t help. All she could see was darkness.
“Oh, but you did. You told me, ‘Okay’. You signed up for this sweetie when you said that one word. Take my hand!” Serah shot her hand out for the fool to take.
“I can’t se-” Serah grabbed the quivering hand and pulled the lady off the floor. She rushed out of the house, Kendra struggling to keep up behind her.
“My baby!” she sobbed, one hand reaching back to the house longingly. “You insane little bitch! I swear, when I regain my ability to fight, I’ll…”
“You’ll what?! You will what?!” Serah turned to face her captive. She slapped her. “Lesson one: You respect me!” Snap! They were suddenly in the back alley where she had her most recent taste of blood three weeks earlier. Serah walked down the alley a bit farther. She knew that Kendra would follow- Kendra was a human, after all, and she’d made impression enough to be sure that she had her loyalty.
“Where are we?” Kendra braced herself for pain as she opened and closed her eyelids, hoping that the next time she blinked, the world would come back into view. Disappointment flooded her heart.
“We’re bringing you home.”
“Huh?”
“Kendra, this is your house.” Serah couldn’t help but smile at herself. This plan was ingenious.
“No it’s not. We just left my house.”
“Oh, poor dear. We’d better get you to bed. You’re hallucinating again.”
“You killed my baby!”
“It’s worse than the doctors thought. We’ll bring you back to the hospital tomorrow.”

She always got her way.

I. Love. It.
It's brilliantly written and I want to know what happens next! Especially more about the two characters so far mentioned!
Stop reading this review and go write more!

To begin with, I was quite dubious of this piece, cause I've become naturally wary whenever vampires are mentioned, ever. But you actually managed to draw me in really well! The description was very good and gripping; you really gave an insight into how Serah feels and how she is thinking.

I also kind of like the idea of the story being told from the villain's perspective, it gives an interesting twist to the plot!

The only things I could really criticise is that there are some minor issues with tenses at some points - often you switch to present tense when describing Serah's thoughts, but it would probably be more fluid to stay in past tense. Also, you should make sure that Serah does have some flaws other than just being pretty twisted and sadistic! Like, if her sense of invincibility is what eventually leads to her downfall, or something like that?

Overall, this was really good! I can't wait for the next bit!

~synne

Hello! Hawk here for a review!

H'okay, so this is an interesting story. I like the idea that Serah's not an average vampire. I also like how intelligently evil she is, and you portray that really well. However, you don't want to go too overboard. Remember, villains have more depth to them, just like the heroes and any other person. They all have their own history, memories, and the little things that make them how they are right now, at this point in time when we as the readers come in. Add in a little more about Serah, just to give her more personality besides being a ruthless killer. Often, the best villains are the ones that don't act entirely evil all the time.

Something else I'd like to mention about this is the way the story's being told. Everything seems to be moving really fast; there's not a lot of time for the reader to take a breath and get an idea of the surroundings, of the characters' appearances, etc., and you really want to make those little spaces. See, you're basically showing us a movie, only you're using words instead of images on a screen, so it's up to you as the writer to fill in the little details that people need to establish themselves in this world you've created. Remember to use your senses as well: how did the air feel -- was it cold, hot, in between? What kind of smells were in the alley? What sounds are people and things making?

Another issue I had was the reactions of characters. Such as the part where the baby's stomach is ripped open -- you said that Kendra heard a "soft crying". If anyone of any age had that happen to them, they'd be screaming, and since the baby now has a stomach wound, chances are good that it's also going to be gurgling up blood, which it'll start to choke on.

Also, Kendra's reaction doesn't seem quite right; she's a mom, and this is her precious child. Motherly instincts are like a bear's. They'll go crazy if their darling is injured in any way, and this...this is pretty bad. So why isn't Kendra doing anything, screaming in anguish, trying to cover up the hole, fighting Serah? The reactions just don't seem quite right.

And then when Kendra's eyes are plucked out...again, that's extremely painful, and there's not a lot of struggling or screaming from Kendra, which is the least I'd expect. She should be trying to free herself from Serah's hands, trying to bat those fingernails away, trying to scream for help and also screaming from the pain of having her eyeballs stabbed.

So overall, you've got a good concept, but I think it needs some more fleshing out. Work on adding more details so the scenes are clearer. And then try to picture everything in your head and ask yourself whether that's really how someone would react. I think this will help give your story more strength.

Please let me know if you've got any questions or whatnot. Cheers! =)