Well, um, it was sweet. I don't know if you already realized this, but it needs a lot more. One haiku stanza isn't enough to pull of an idea like the one you have. Tell us why they are beautiful, how long it's been since they were young and reckless, and what that means (young and reckless as in junior high/middle school, or six-year-olds?) Elaboration is a writers best friend in cases like these. Tell us everything you possibly can, because it's a lot easier to edit a piece when there's too much and simply tell them to cut than to say, like now, not enough and needs more. I'm saying it now: IT NEEDS MORE.
Shakespearian tongue-twister:
To sit in solemn silence In a dark, dank dock In a pestilential prison With a lifelong lock; Awaiting the sensation Of a short, sharp shock Of a cheap, chippy chopper On a big black block.
Ummm..Hallie? I know this isn't all you wrote, at least I hope not... Write more, but on what you have now the line "as ever you were when we" doesn't make sense.
"You're as beautiful <-- I'd add "as ever" here then period. As ever you were when we <-- I'm not exactly sure what you're trying to say here. Were young and reckless"
"You can't find another me, but I can find a million yous."
"My shadow followed when you walked away and ever since that day my life has never been the same"
Could everyone please, please learn the difference between a haiku and a senryu. This is not a haiku as it contains no kigo (seasonal or nature reference), no keriji (a "cutting" word), and directly speaks about human relationships. This makes it a senryu. A haiku (and a senryu) is so much more than slapping together 17 syllables.
Also, this senryu does not need to be elaborated on or expanded. Matsuo Bashō (aka the greatest haiku master of all time) said "The haiku that reveals seventy to eighty percent of its subject is good. The haiku that reveals fifty to sixty percent is brilliant." A haiku (and a senryu) should cause the reader to think long and hard after they read it. If you reveal too much, it is ruined. Also, if you need more the 17 on (incorrectly translated to 'syllables') to convey your idea, you've failed in your endeavour.
@Sassycat: elaboration is the only thing you should never, ever do in a haiku or senryu. This senryu is great because it raises so many questions. If all these questions were answered it would be a very unsatisfying piece.
So, the only ways you could make this piece better is by adding a full stop at the end, and labeling it a senryu, not a haiku. Good job Hallie.
K.
Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
